My Rockin' Summer
If you asked my mother about me, she would say that I am her free-spirited, easy-going, wild child, who has a fear of getting in trouble, but has the need to live on her own terms. I am the vagabond child of the family. These past few years have been filled with self-discovery about what I need in my life to be happy, something the cynical pessimist in me has a hard time dealing with. This summer probably was the pinnacle of that learning experience, to the point where it can finally put it to an end and continue on with my life.
A couple years ago was the beginning of the end for a relationship I had with someone. It ended with a lot of bitterness and hatred toward what they had done to me. I basically walked away from this relationship feeling like a fool because I let someone do that to me. It was my fault. After this relationship ended, I would hear from this person occasionally and we would continue to have the same argument that we always had. A little over seven months ago this person told me happy birthday and I have no idea why. This person messaged me online at the beginning of this summer and I did not respond. There comes a time when you have to let it go and move on.
Over the last few years, I have learned that I need freedom in my life to be happy. I am not a relationship person and I never will be. I would rather go to the movies by myself then have to answer to someone. I can not be tied down to one place and I need to have the freedom to go explore other cultures. I like driving in the middle of the night because of its innocence. This is my greatest joy.
I found love in a hopeless place, unexpectedly. It was spontaneous and I had this huge grin on my face all the time because of it. That was until it ended months later. You could find me on the shower floor crying to myself with puffy red eyes which hid their previous gold glimmer. That worked for awhile, but what I have learned is that there comes a time when you have to pick yourself up off the floor and tend to your obligations because the world does not stop just because you are crying on the floor. Sometimes the dreams you had are over. Sometimes it is better to have no one than it is to have someone who does not want to be with you. I cannot love you anymore because maybe my love is meant for someone new. Maybe it is meant for myself.
The same way the world did not stop when I drove myself to Target at ten a.m. crying into my shirtsleeves because I needed to buy black tights for the funeral I was going to at my favorite farm in Michigan. That is when I came to the realization that I will no longer get my favorite oatmeal christmas cookies in the mail. Life is short.
I learned this summer that I had to let go of my contradictory need for a meticulously planned life and go find myself some freedom and spontaneity. I needed to go buy Passenger tickets two days before the show. I needed to go buy philly folk fest youth camping tickets with a friend the day fest started and then stress over how we were going to get ourselves in because minors can not camp by themselves. I needed to go to Steel City by myself and hang out with Quinn, Cassidy, and Steve just because they are my favorite people who play Open Mic at my internship.
Meticulously planning my life never made me happy. I am happy when I have the freedom to go explore the world. Take me as I am.