Week 5 Update

It's not the Commish, it's just Bologna

This week's report brought to you by Brandon Weeden. Super American.

Greetings Fantasy Nation. It's time to get separation. The Falco Punch division is a hot mess! Not one, not two, not four, but SIX, count 'em, six teams clog the middle of pack. The Family O Bock and the Bennett-Simon connection bring it up the rear. Ew you sick sonsabitches.

Then there's the top. Two fella's. Danny Schultzy Baby and yours truly...Captain Von Bologna. Both of whom sit atop the division undefeated four games into the season. BOOM. I said BOOM SON!

Franks and Beans Favre Dollars faces the lowly Darf Box, but Darfington has already had YOUR CLEVELAND BROWNS drop 22 this past Thursday on 'go root for' Buffalo. Luck has a tough match up against Seattle; good be the difference maker.

Von Bologna sends the Cutters up against some guy named Adam Marko. Let's pause for a moment and wish some guy named Adam Marko a speedy recovery. He recently purchased GTA V and it was simply a classic case of life imitating art. Get well some guy named Adam Marko. But f-ck your team. I will win. Cam Fig Newton is back for vengeance! WELCOME TO THE PARTY PAL.

**Just in...Team Beer is looking to make a move at a top offensive position. Now may be the time to mix it up while it's still early in the season. Could lead to a break away from the mid pack and join yours truly on top. It's good up here. TEAM BEER telephone lines are open...**

Let's get back to this week, already in session.

Team BEER has Josh Gordooo FLEXING a TD and 86 yards. Solid match-ups across the board with Slick Nicholas. Tony “don't call me homo” Romo battles Peyton Manning and the Broncos. Could be a massive day for both quarterbacks. BEER sends Brees against the tough Chi-caaa-go da Bears defense.

The Clouds will float down South to slap those DBs of Dade County on their home turf. The Sky-Sky's hope for the rest of the team to step up thanks to Jordan Cameron getting shut down Thursday. But you can't blame Cameron. With all his trust in a ginger, it's no wonder he barely squeaked past 3 and a half points. The doDADEdos put all their trust behind Peyton Manning's weapons. But right across the field IS Peyton Manning. This match-up is a gamble. But both teams coming off losing weeks, let's get weird.

The Baby Centipedes look to bash their ten-thousand fists into Jets with Atlanta's defense on Monday night. Thicketburn has GUA-RAN-TEED Matt Stafford's glass jaw gets DESTROYED at the hands of Clay Matthews. Clay was not quoted as saying, “I'm going to eat his face off in the first quarter. Then a lung in the second. Half time I will break his legs off and put them into a pretzel. Dip that leg pretzel into melted chocolate and serve them for the after party. By the time the third and fourth quarter roll around, Stafford will have no choice but to on disability. 'merica.” Intense stuff Clay.

Finally, Aaron Rodgers will eat some of the colonel, grab the mic, and serenade his dead bird. Pretty bird. Good bird. Sweet bird. Quiet bird. Dead bird. Will Bock(please don't put sand in ma vachina)wich continue to praise at the altar of Fantastic Phil? Does that toe have anything left in it? Is the toe suffering from athletes foot? Will he make the call to John Madden? Is the toe big enough to drive a truck through? BAM! Get some KFC and find out this week.

That's it. GAME ON. Good luck y'all! Twerk it!