Bombay and Montoya: A Chilling Challenge
It was the fourth quarter, and DuPont High School were down by 5 points with only 20 seconds on the clock. To make matters worse, the Leviathan Pilots had the ball at DuPont’s 9 yard line. The whistle blew through the cold, misty air as the ball was hiked back to the Pilot’s quarterback. Their center had tripped on the slippery mud and left a gap that marooned the quarterback, now wide open. George Bombay, DuPont’s star quarterback and linebacker, saw the gap and tore through it, hurdling and throwing other players aside. The quarterback drew his arm back, and as he went to release, George collided with him; the ensuing hit had enough force to knock the quarterback straight on his back, sending the ball up into the air.
George was still moving at a full sprint, catching the ball against his chest as it fell. He knew he was uncontested in his run to victory, so he pointed to the crowd as the clock struck zero and he stormed into the end zone. The crowd roared as a single unit of energy and joy. The wind suddenly picked up, and their school banner flew heroically in the gusts of air, filled with triumph. The wind did not stop growing, as suddenly things were being blown away by the dozens. The trees on their side, a marvelous aircraft came over the field, and a tractor beam set on George pulled him off of the ground and into the ship. His parents screamed in agony and shock, as did the rest of the crowd. He was inside of the strange ship before he even knew what was happening. The sudden shock of the whole situation caused him to faint for a while.
He awoke in a white room with company, although he was alone when he first entered the ship. Alongside him was a strange man, who appeared to be about 25 years old. He was on a computer, giggling with the likes of a dolphin while playing a game. Across the room were 5 soldiers in coats and ushankas, one standing out as particularly large and in command. The larger soldier noticed George was awake, and instantly saluted him. Why would they salute me, he thought. He had just been abducted by these men, and they treat him as if he is one of their own. The large one spoke.
“First of all, George, I realize that this is all very shocking to you. You have been unconscious for quite some time, well over a week. We picked up Adam the day before we found you. You two will be working together for our cause, and, if you cooperate with us, you will both be back in your homes the day after you left. However, right now, you and Mr. Montoya are our friends. We don't like to call you prisoners of spaceship gulag, but you will be such if you do not cooperate. Earn your freedom, comrades.”
“Okay man, I don’t know who you are or why I am here, but you have a lot of explaining to do. First of all, where in God’s name am I?”
“You are on the Putinator 5, The Motherland’s finest ship. We are currently orbiting Earth in stealth mode to evade detection from the Nazis,” said the large man.
“Nazis?” George proclaimed, “They have been gone for 70 years.”
“They were actually gone for 90 years. Well, not gone, but dormant. Now they’re back, stronger than ever, and we want to eradicate their leader, Adolf Hitler, back in 1940. It’s easier than stopping them now.”
George yelled, “So are you actually telling me that I will be traveling, THROUGH TIME AND SPACE, to kill HITLER?” He stormed around, deep in thought. In his pacing, he noticed a emergency eject button and a parachute. I could just take it and jump out, surely I would have a better chance at survival, he thought. He considered it for a bit, and then decided against it. He turned back to the Russian.
“As long as things go to plan, it won’t be as stressful as you’re making it sound. That is, assuming you survive the space and time travel,” said the large man after a while. The smaller Russians were not saying anything, just standing there. Suddenly, as the large man was about to start speaking again, two teenagers bust through the door, panting.
“We got out just in time. I think we did the trick just fine,” said one of them.
“Really?” The large man sounded excited. “You mean you ended Hitler?”
“Well, not exactly. We tried to make his childhood really frilly and nice so that he could not possibly become angry enough to start a war,” After further investigations, the large man became very angry. The entirety of the Nazi army were now dressed in flamboyantly colored uniforms, and were covered with glitter, according to his field scout. Pictures of Hitler, who was brought back to life by the new Nazis, disturbed him even more. The large Russian shot both teenagers in the knees with a crossbow and turned back to George.
“We have already briefed your comrade Adam to this point, so I will need you both to listen up,” the large Russian said. “Are you okay to proceed, comrade?” Adam gave a big thumbs up.
“Let’s make some tacooos!” Adam exclaimed.
“He’s a bit of a strange one,” the Russian said quietly to George. “He plays games on his computer for a living and I think it’s gotten to him.
George replied, “I can tell.”
“Okay, now that you’re both here, I can further explain specifics. This will be a very quick job, probably less than 5 minutes. However, it is crucial that you aren't seen or captured. All you must do is sneak into the camp and kill this new, worse Hitler. As soon as he is dead, we will beam you back up to the ship and you will no longer be destined for glorious space gulag. Okay?”
“Got it,” said George and Adam simultaneously, grabbing guns off of the wall. And, without warning, they found themselves in a vortex-like time warp.
“GET WRECKED TIME WARP!” said Adam after about 30 seconds, laughing like a dolphin at a high volume; he seemed to cope with the physical strain of the vortex with ease. George, on the other hand, had to fight with every ounce of his being to stay conscious, as he feared he would perish if he fainted. After about 10 minutes of pain and mental torture, with all of his worst memories playing out before him, he was finally finished with it. He found himself, along with Adam, outside the gates of a large encampment, the sign reading, “ARBEIT MACHT FREI”, or “work makes you free.”
This was undoubtedly Auschwitz, but the inside looked different, almost as if it was covered in glitter. Before they could move, they were spotted by the guards, who had glittery rifles and were taking aim. The duo shot back, taking cover behind a small tank.
“Hitler should be close, we can get this done without any issue,” said Adam. He explained that he had taken a virtual tour of Auschwitz on his computer and knew that the largest building was not only close, but had an unguarded back entrance. Adam signaled for George, who was still awestruck by the situation, to follow him. It seemed too good to be true, as after picking off three guards and traveling along a row of bushes, they were at a large window, left unattended, in the back of the largest buildings in the camp. They broke it and climbed through, silently took out an unsuspecting guard with a knife, and broke open the door. There were two guards inside, both of course sporting the glittery rifles they had seen earlier.
“Für den Führer!” exclaimed one guard, who squeezed off 3 rounds before being executed by George, one of which grazed George’s thigh. The other dropped his weapon and began to cry softly, while Adolf hid under his desk. The sight of the man crying forced Adam to laugh hysterically, before he grabbed the man’s gun and began hitting him with it.
He offered George the honors to finish their mission, and George accomplished the feat many dream of. He closed his eyes and killed Adolf Hitler with a bullet through the heart. His pink heart uniform was ruined, and so was the Third Reich.
He felt himself getting woozy. He opened his eyes to find he was back in the vortex. There was no more Auschwitz, or anything for that matter. This felt much more intense than it had last time, as it had halted Adam’s laughter instantly. The feeling of having to go to the bathroom, throw up, pass out, and swallow a hundred painkillers all stacked up in George’s body, and he fought with all of his might to keep conscious. The feeling lasted or hours, and suddenly it just stopped. The feeling lasted for hours, and suddenly it just stopped. Now, all was white and blue, with thick clouds galore. There was no vortex, no spaceship, no football field, and no Auschwitz. George heard a voice, before he realized it was God himself, who spoke to him in a Russian accent.
“George, you accomplished a heroic task today.”
“Then why am I dead?”
“Well, the short answer is this: Hitler’s regime was the only thing stopping Stalin from taking over the world. You see, Joseph Stalin ended up dropping bombs on every nation except glorious Mother Russia, which means all of your ancestors are dead. Hey, at least you get to go to Heaven, because you technically never sinned. Hail Marx, Lenin, and Stalin”
And like that, it was all over. Let this be a lesson to all: if a large Russian in a spaceship wants you to go back in time and join a famous YouTuber in killing Glitter Hitler, just say no. Honestly, it would be better to steal a parachute and jump from orbit, provided you have that option.