25% Dank Package
For normies that aren't up to the challenge, we have a very low risk solution for you. We will hook you up with some old savings account at your local hometown bank. While you won't receive very much profit off of this (like about 0.01%), you have little to no risk for losing any money. However, this is only for n00b5 with no experience or bravery in the investment world.
Detail: Savings account - a very low risk account that will not generate any profit, due to the very low interest rates set by banks.
CD - You put a certain amount of money in a bank for a certain amount of time for a set interest rate. The longer the period, the more interest you could make, although it is often not very much.
Mutual fund - a group of people invest together in order to invest in something that benefits all of them.
401k - (something you should have already unless you're a skrub) A financial investment plan that provides for your retirement.
50% Dank package
For those of you that want to become a part of the stock market, but not end up like Bad Luck Brian here, we offer this package:
>Everything in the 25% Dank package
> 5x Preferred Stock. Preferred stocks, like common stocks, guarantee a share of ownership and the ability to receive a dividend, however, are always guaranteed a dividend at every agreed date. These return more payout than a bank account or a CD, however are not as secure, especially if the stocks fall through. Even if you do get a dividend, it most likely will not be very much.
>2x Government Bonds. These bonds, while often not as big, have a greater return than savings bonds.
9001% Dank Package
If you wanna be rollin' in the dough like doge here, then select our 9001% dank package. You could get the ultimate payoff, or you could always crash, burn, and drown (aka shrekt). These stocks have the highest potential payout which comes with the highest potential risk.
5x junk bonds - A junk bond is a bond that has a very high risk, however can pay out the most if the stock market smiles upon you. Else you could end up dry, which is what happened to many during the stock market crash several years ago.
5x Common Stocks - Stocks that do not guarantee any dividends, however do guarantee voting rights over what could happen to the company in the future. Like junk bonds, they could pay off in the future, or they could crash and burn.