Mi Vida Loca: Blog
Dealing with being a high school drop out and trying to get your life together is a stressful thing especially if your dealing with going to job corp to do so. Well, I, my friends am sorry to say but this has all ended up on my plate and I'm wondering how the fuck am I going to dish this out. *Sighs* Okay, let me just exhale and start my life story. Maybe one of you guys can relate to it. This, right here, is my daily blog. Which I Will update EVERYDAY to let you in on the juicy details of my life so, welcome to MI VIDA LOCA (my crazy life.) <3
If your wondering about the elephants above? (: its because I have an obsession with elephants. Don' mind them (:
So we start off on a harsh note. Sorry for that. Lets just say, that my karma and luck isn't the best. For those who actually kept up with me when my blogg actually exist before this, I'm sorry. For those of you who actually read, you already know how I am when I get emotional and I accidentally erased my blogg .-. Dummest mistake of my life but at the same time, Greatest thing I ever did. This helped me to move on and start on a new slate. To let go of things that needed to be set free.
For those of you who don't understand WHAT I'm talking about, let me some up everything that I "accidentally" deleted in the last blog I wrote.
I'm Vivian, and I go to this thing Called Job Corp for those who are trying to go SOMEWHERE in life. Here? I fell In love with this boy Who went from being Off limits which at the time, I nick-named him "The Cuffed." Then he went to being single, which I changed his name to "The Bullzie" Because honestly? I liked this boy so to me? It was like he had a black and red target on his forehead(: We began to "Talk" and soon enough he was "Mine." But drama seemed to keep happening between Me and the "Bullzie." With how much he said he hated it? It seemed like he did nothing but cause it between us.
Long story short, he broke my heart. He went from telling me he loved me, telling me I'm Beautiful and everything, to "I can't be with you." God, did those words hurt. They still feel fresh with me just typing them. Ha, what am I talking about, It just happened two days ago. So of course, with me talking about it? Feels like I'm sprinkling salt in an open wound.
He told me he never wanted to be with me, he just saw that I was a very caring person and he wanted to make me happy... ? If that makes any sense. If that makes any sense to you then your smart as fuck because I still don't understand it. He never cared, he just played me. This hurt like fuck. This honestly? Is my first heart break so emotionally its alot of stress. Too much stress. I'm already Manic Depressed and have Chronic Anxiety. So this? Was like a cherry on top of my "perfect" life. Thanks.
Here are some people you should know (Literally the nicknames I call them in my head) -
The Shadow- The boy I fell in love with. & got burned by. ( Why Call him shadow? Because He's someone I used to know, he's nothing but a mere shadow in my memory..
Tubbie - My pregnant best friend. ( I call her tubbie because her face reminds me of a cute teletubbie ^.~ )
Teddy - A boy who literally looks like a big teddy bear. Whose like a big brother to me. Haha.
The Ex - Shadow's Ex.
Minion - The Ex's Litte minion, literally.
The Gamer - One of my best guy friends whose a gamer, obviously.
Butterfinger - A close friend of Shadow And mine. Like a brother to me.
Stigma - A unique odd individual who reminds me of an "Odd Future" member.
Retro- Stigma's best friend.
Simba- Shadow's Close close friend, who looks very simular like they could be related.
Nala - Simba's girlfriend, My close friend.
Cuddlekin - Mutual friends with all of us. She's a cutie.
Vivian - Me
Rogue - My second personality, in my head.
But this is where we left off at the story,
with me, heart broken, alone, and depressed.
The next morning I woke up to a stale room and a frost bitten window. Okay, I was hoping we didn't have class today but once again I was wrong. Part of me didn't want to wake up because of how much I was hurting. I thought of a dozen scenario's of how I could get out of going to school today but I knew I was on restriction and this wouldn't work. I would probably get terminated from the program, so I didn't press my luck.
I got up and for some reason I felt like I was in a hurry. Usually, somewhere in another life, where the "Shadow" still wanted me, I would be hurrying to get ready then rush downstairs to see my baby's morning face. But in this life, in this horrible reality I realized, I was alone, on my own time, and didn't need to hurry for anyone. Part of me didn't want to except the fact that things were done and he didn't want me, but my mind wouldn't believe it. I really WAS a niave girl, who was taken advantage of and now? Is depressed hating life.
I pushed aside these self pity feelings and got ready and went downstairs. I wanted to step down the stairs just as he was headed out the door so it didn't seem like I was actually waiting on him, even though I was. Time went by and he didn't come. Typical. He was ALWAYS late when we were dating and I expected him to come out of his room any minute.
Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock - 7:06am
I saw a familiar friend step out of the back corridor, where Shadow should've come out. I let out an exhale of dissappointment then looked back up to greet him. His name was "Teddy" and he was like a big brother to me in so many ways. He cared when no one did, and most of all listened when no one did.
"Goodmorning Lady" He looks at my face. "Whats wrong?"
I took a deep breath because I knew I was on a verge of tears.
"Is it wrong that I'm waiting for him? Even though we broke up?" I asked, my voice wavering, threatening to break. He took a sigh, like a father would when trying to help his daughter with hard math question.
"Look, If you guys broke up, Vivian, You don't HAVE to wait for anyone." He said this like I was worth something, but I pushed that thought aside quickly. I wasn't worth anything in my eyes right now.
"But, I can't help myself from feeling like I need to. I mean were still friends ? So why is it bad that I'm waiting for him? ... We usually go to breakfast .. everyday together. . . " I trailed off because a couple tears escaped my eyes and I didn't want to have an hysterical morning of crying for the rest of the day.
Teddy stepped close and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"If he broke up with you, Vivian, then he doesn't love you. You shouldn't waste your time and energy on someone who doesn't deserve it." I felt that every word he said was true but part of me, well lets just be honest. ALL of me still believed in the idea of "US." Me and the Shadow. ALL of me was broken and just felt like we needed air. Maybe he still loved me and maybe this was his way of just asking for a break ... right? No, Wrong. I distinctly remember The Shadow saying he didn't want to be with me. He cared for me, But didn't want to be WITH me. If that makes any sense. Well, if you get it, then your smart as fuck, because I surely don't understand, and I didn't. I was so broken, and this was the worst kind of broken, especially when it comes with first in the morning. This meant I would feel like this all day.
Time went by, that I was stalling talking to Teddy just to wait for The Shadow. Maybe if he came out he would see I was talking to Teddy, and would miss the way we used to talk. But that fantasy was shot down as I realized he wasn't coming. I bit my bottom lip from keeping from crying and headed out the front doors.
A cool chilling feeling filled my face as I walked down the frosted sidewalk. When I walked past the cafeteria I couldn't help myself but to scan and see if maybe he was already in there. But he wasn't and I let my head hang and stare down at my shoe-laces as I took everystep.
I hated him.
But I loved him.
But I hated him.
Then I needed him.
Then I hated him.
Then I thrived him.
Then I tried to convince myself I hated him.
With every footstep came 3 or four tears to accompany the rhythm of my feet. I whiped my tears away and put my head up high, like I was the shit then walked in the Cafeteria, made my tray then sat in our familiar two-seater table. Maybe he would come a little later and see me through the window and the empty seat would entice him to come sit with me.
He still wasn't here and I began to feel like maybe he stood me up. I thought of a million reasons why he wasn't here like:
- He got sick.
- He had a early appointment.
- or He was in the cafeteria, just hiding from me.
I would've thought he just slept in but you have to be out of the dorm by 7:15 so, I knew he wasn't just getting up. I let the morning drag by until 7:45 then picked up my tray and emptied it, then walked out the door.
"Hey Vivian, I got CIGGGAARREEETTEEESSS" The Gamer said. Well, actually, he sort of sang the "ciggarrettes" part like in an opera singer. It was enough to make me smile. I lit it up and listened to him rant about how much we never talk then his ADD kicking in and he was talking about 50 years from now, he was going to make a bio-chemical weapon and would give me a discount for being his best friend. It was cute and funny all together. I missed The Gamer in so many ways. So I just let him rant and rant. Normally, I'd tell him to STFU; but it'd been a while and I didn't mind it entirely too bad.
A familiar best friend of mine who I used to talk to, but stopped because she got pregnant and was in and out of baby-daddy problems, walked up behind me and said she'd walk me to class because she needed to go that way too. I thought of her as a "Teletubbie" because she had such a round light-skinned cute face.
So Me, The Gamer, & Tubbie started up the hill when I glanced to my right out of reaction of seeing someone in my periphreal vision. & to my luck guess who it was.
He made his way over to me but with every footstep he made towards me my thoughts went off like an alarm system:
1 step: OMG, he's looking at me.
2 step: Is he really walking over here?
3 step: Fuck he's making eye contact.
4 step: I think he thinks I look bad.
5 step: Okay he definately thinks I look like shit.
6 step: Quick! Run! Wait no, keep calm.
7 step: I can't keep calm he's smiling.
8 step: God, I miss his smile
9 step: He doesn't miss me though.
10 step: He doesn't even care.
11 step: He'll never care.
12 step: God, I love him.
13 step: I miss him.
14 step: Okay snap out of it.
By this time my feelings are all jittery and nervous I can't really speak.
He leaned in and gave me a half-hearted hug and I began to feel empty but satisfied at the same time. I felt empty because it wasn't the hug I wanted but satisfied because I got to hold him close today.
"Sorry I woke up late today" He replied. I felt relieved he wasn't hiding from me in the cafeteria like I thought. I couldn't breathe, I was already out of breath from him touching me. God, I felt like a little ass girl.
"Breakfast is over, you wanna walk up with us?" I asked, hoping.
"Uhh .. I gotta go get something. . ." He replied looking over at the cafeteria like something caught his attention. I felt my heart sink and my hopes die down in the snow.
"Okay" I replied, hardly audible.
"I'll see you later" Without skipping a beat he walked away. I felt... so empty. Like I didn't even matter to him anymore. Like I never did. I felt the knot form in my throat and my eyes start to sting. I hated how things were. How we went from "I love you, from the moon and back" to "Hi" and "Bye." There was no, "I'll message you later" Just "Bye" I hated this. More than I hated myself right now. And that was ALOT.
"C'mon, Viv" The Gamer said, ushering us to walk up the hill. So we began walking and I fell back a little bit behind Him and Tubbie. I wanted so badly to cry again but I didn't stop myself nor did I let myself. I let the tears stream from my face silently and tied up my hoodie by the draw string so no one could tell I was crying. People always say my lips give it away when I'm crying because of my bottom lip. It pokes out like an infant before they cry. I guess in that aspect. I was a baby. Once we gained the hill I hugged them goodbye and waited outside my class door for a while because it was locked.
Moments later the Shadow reappears out of nowhere and walks up the steps. & Gives me another hug. This one was much better. It also stung more. I guess with the Shadow the more he hugged me the more it hurt. The more he didn't hug me , it also hurt. God, was this confusing.
I loved this boy. & This boy, didn't give a fuck about me.
Lunch came and I wasn't really feeling it. I felt like everything that I really looked forward too was shot down and dead. I was so used to going to lunch seeing "The Shadow" Who was my boo at the time, and talking laughing and exchanging compliments. But today was different. I sat in my little two-seater table by the window where Shadow and I used to sit and I saw him two tables down from me, seated with his friends listening to music and syphering.
I felt kinda hurt because yesturday, even after everything was broken off between us, he still sat by me. I was really hurt by this. I attempted to eat but I couldn't make myself want it. I forced myself to eat a little so I wouldn't be COMPLETELY starving in class. I took two bites of the burrito then started on my peach cobler. I stopped and stared at the peach at the end of my fork and got the urge to cry. I had a flashback of when Shadow and I were together how we were sitting at the table and I was playing around with the filling part making him disgusted. It was cute, funny, and now depressing. I tried to push aside the feelings but a couple tears started to fall. I pushed them aside and couldn't eat with the lump in my throat. After my fatal attempt to eat a couple bites I pulled out my book and began to read to take my mind off the people in the cafeteria.
Every Now and then I'd glance up at Shadow but he seemed like he didn't notice me. I decided to give him until they shut down the cafeteria, to come over to talk to me. I was having an inner battle with Rogue, because she told me that he wouldn't come sit by me, but Vivian swore on everything he would.
12:00 Came and the security guard was coming around shutting everything down and kicking everyone out. I sighed, put my book back in my bag and gave the empty chair where Shadow should've come to sit, a sad look and walked off and dumped my tray. I was being broken down little by little. I feel like Shadow was doing these things on purpose, and part of me hated him for that. Why would you want to break off someone who truely loves you? I just didn't understand this. I spent my whole life wishing and hoping for someone who would love me the way I loved Shadow. People really take advantage of things that are really hard to find.
Congradulations, Shadow. Your breaking off all strands with me.
1. Meeting me in the morning? Strand - [Broken]
2. Sitting with me at lunch? Strand [Broken]
Whats next? I didn't want to find out. Because every little move he made was breaking me apart. I was entirely, completely and utterly depressed beyond point.
And I'm questioning what options I have. None.
So what was the point of existing?
After school, I waited for Shadow in the dorm lobby because I was going to talk to him about some things. First, About this cool technique I learned about opening your third eye, and also about Lucid dreaming. The rest was honestly because I just wanted to talk to him. It'd been a while since we'd actually talked like we were close. We'd have like a 5 minute DEEP conversation, then go back to ignoring eachother. Well, rather him then I.
I waited for about 20 minutes until I decided to call It quits. I went up stairs to put my stuff away, then back downstairs to get laudry detergent from the really cute Dorm-Leader. Lets call him "Proffessor." ^.^ teehee. He looked like a generic character that you would play on the boardgame "Clue." He was just too cute. He was about 6'3 light skin, dressed sophistocated and wore designer glasses. He had a low cut with really caring eyes and a sexy deep voice. (: mmmph.
Ha, Let me stop before I get too excited.
After walking out of Proffessors Office it was very Ironic because Shadow was just walking in the building. He gave me an unsure smile and I pulled him in the vending machine hall way.
"Hey, what happened to meeting me after school?" I asked tilting my head up towards him to look in his eyes.
"I had .. uh, things to do" He replied. Figures. Its always, "I had things to do." He never elaborates with me anymore and its like were distant from eachother. I hated this shit. Since when are we distant? I guess thats just how he wanted things. I let it roll off my shoulder and invited him outside for a ciggarette. We conversed with a few friends and I started reminiscing outloud and he had to snap me back into reality. That was the past, This is now. We took the conversation inside and decided to talk serious now. Here came the serious talk time. Ha -.-
I told him that I felt like there was something between us and I just didn't know whether to really let go or not. So I asked him:
"So I really need to let go, right?" He gave me a sad smile then said.
"The best option is to let go." I looked him in his eyes and I felt like someone shut off the lights that use to illuminate the spark between us and I knew it was Shadow doing it. It was like the "Love" went out of business and now it was shutting down and it was time to turn out the lights. I let everything sink in. It hurt. But I knew it was the truth. I nodded in assurance so he knew I understood. Then we wrapped up the conversation and I went up stairs.
I closed the door behind me and began to uncontrollably cry as I lay there motionless on my bed not wanting to live, breathe, think, see again.
The rest of that day was fucked. There was nothing excited, there was nothing worth telling. Just know it was alot of pain, and "trying to let go" going on. I tried distancing myself but it was as if everything that I did, he kept coming back and making up for things, without realizing it. I spent that afternoon playing Call Of Duty World At War with Gamer and honestly ? I can say I loved being around him, He was a happy, awkward, crazy, weird individual and it was super cute. He was like my own little pet-best friend I kept in my pocket, who I took out on a rainy day just to make me happy again. With all this, it made me almost forget about Shadow. But after the games were over, Me and Shadow decided to go pack to the dorm and try to spend a little time. He probably wasn't thinking it but I was. When we came into the dorm we had 20 minutes before roll-call so we both pulled up two chairs in the back of the lobby and sat there conversing. We went from talking about this one boy on campus "Snitch" and how he was always talking shit, and the latest rumor he spread about Shadow actually crying over me when we broke up. Okay, This wasn't good, but honestly? I kinda liked that version better. It made me seem like for once that he was the victum. Despite the very caring side of Vivian, Rogue on the other hand, loved this little sinister lie. It kinda made her feel like for once? She wasn't the one hurting, well, WE weren't the hurting ones and for once? Vivian and Rogue broke there first heart. Although, thats not how it went down and even though it was a sick fantasy to think about, things weren't that way and here I was, The painfully heartbroken girl, sitting with the one person that lied to her. Sitting with the one person who broke her. I was the stupid brokenhearted girl who kept coming back for more. Why was I doing this to myself? To Rogue? Why? It didn't make sense. Maybe I was just a masachist and I loved the pain he gave me, because I'd rather feel him break me than to not feel his poisonous touch at all.
Is that illogical?
Well, lets just say, I didn't give a fuck. & The fucks I actually gave? Were hidden deep inside me in a part of my body that was driven numb by the pain he gave me.
Love is really blind. Well, Love is actually numb, in the aftershock.
We sat there talking about how we were going to break into the gym and have a little snack-pic and spend time together. This made me so excited but all together the feelings actually rushed back into my cheeks and I felt the pain of this & my whole demeanor changed. It seemed like the more I came close to him the more it hurt. The more he was nice to me, the more I was falling in love again. The more he looked at me the more I got lost in his eyes and the more we even talked, the more I was considering trying again. I hated this because I was constantly in a battle with Rogue.
Rogue: Say this
Vivian: But I can't push it.
Rogue: Just try!
Vivian: But thats what got us her in the first place.
It was like this ALL damn day. I was constantly under the pressure of Rogue telling me to try to get with him again, but Vivian knew that would only push him away even more. He just said for me to let go of him this afternoon, so why would I keep pushing the fact? I guess Rogue was the thin thread that kept me holding onto Shadow. I noticed Shadow was saying something but I didn't know what he was saying until I tuned back into planet earth 411.
"Hahaha! why your face look like that? You just went from" He made an imitation happy excited face. "To" then he made an imitation ugly sad face. I gasped in surprise.
"Ha! I didn't do that! ... did I?" I whispered the last part. I guess I was asking myself mostly. He nodded. Then tried to read my eyes. I hated when he did this because I felt like he was invading my soul. My walls weren't up anymore so I couldn't hide. My walls were destroyed and crumbled from the break up so I was very vulnerable. I felt like he could just read me whenever he wanted and I couldn't do the same. I hated this.
We changed the subject and finished off our conversation and went to bed.
That night? I cried myself to sleep. Again.
Next morning I woke up to the siren of my roommates alarm clock. I rolled over and tried to hide under my blankets. I began to cry again. I hated waking up with this knot feeling in my gut, because I would always wake up thinking about Shadow, but just the idea he didn't want me, broke me down, almost every second of the day. This hurt. Bad. I whiped my tears away and got the will power to get up. I brushed my teeth and looked at myself in the mirror. Fuck everything, everyone and everyperson. Today? I was doing me. And yes, I'm not combing my hair. Personally I've always loved my hair the way it looks in the morning, Despite the fact it looks like a bed head.
When I was little I used to day dream of me waking up and it kinda looked like sex hair so when I was a virgin I used to wake up, prance to the bathroom, blast brittany spears "Oops I did It again" and pretend I'd just had a sex the night before with a rich gambino and walked out the room to a music video in the bathroom as I tried to pretend be sexy. Ha, what young mind I used to have. But anyways, this was when my hair used to be past my but and I would whip my hair every which way singing in the mirror and a brush. I smiled at the memory and decided that I would just walk around today with sex hair. Fuck everyone else's opinion. I wanted to be Vivian today, Not influenced by Rogue.
I got dressed, waited downstairs but he didn't come so I just went to breakfast and went to class. I forget how, but we ended up messaging on wattpad and what he said surprised me. He said that if I was more calm and collective he would probably speed up the process of taking his break & it was possible we'd try again. This was weird because The loud crazy obnoxious side of me, was mainly Rogue. Its crazy because today was the day I decided to show/be completely and 110%
This excited me because I felt like this was easy to gain back the one person that I'd actually fell in love with. I did my best to block out Rogue and for the most part I was succeeding. If this was all Shadow was asking me to do? I had this one in the bag. No questions asked.
After spending lunch together, Shadow messaged telling me he liked me way better this way and he was way happy. This was like a cherry on top. I loved this. Maybe there is an upside for everyone. He was starting to make me even more happy now.
After school we met up in the lobby, we smoked a cigarrette and conversed a little bit, and playfully I took his phone and it popped up at the messages. I couldn't help to resist the Urge to read his messages from "Carrot Top." This girl was a white red-headed, whore. I'm sorry to say it? But she was. She flirted with EVERYBODY on campus, Fucked w/ half of them then made half of the relationships on campus impossible to progress. She was the reason for EVERYONES break up. I looked through it and the first thing I saw was like throwing salt in my eyes.
"Wassup Cutie" It read. It was from Shadow going to her. This made me want to throw up. Literally. I felt nauseated and mad. I wanted to punch him in his face and stomp her in the throat. God, couldn't she keep her legs closed?
I pushed aside my feeling of loathing (hatred) and envy and tossed him back his phone. I don't think my face helped though because he saw I was pissed, and kinda backed off. But he had this look on his face like he wasn't sorry. & This hurt. I gave him the most convincing smile I could behind the knot in my throat and the dragons in my stomach, summed up the conversation and ran to my room. Once the door closed, I heard Rogue say, "I think I'm going to be sick," I ran to the toilet in time and threw my guts up. I threw up all my feelings. Pain, Hurt, Disappointment, Anger, Agony, Disgust and worst of all Love.
After throwing up, I couldn't help it. I just broke down and started crying my eyes out. Why was this happening to me? Why did I care? Shadow wasn't my boyfriend but I loved him. No fuck that, I was in-love with him & I couldn't understand how I could want someone so much it made me sick. I couldn't understand how I could want someone so much and they not want you at all, or even look at other females knowing they have a perfectly good one waiting. Fuck everything Shadow had to say about not waiting for him, because I was. I'm a Leo, and when I want something I'm determined. But I didn't know if this was going to be the one who got away? or the one who killed me in the process. I guess Dying in the place of someone you love? was a good way to go. I skipped roll-call and got in the shower. Turned the temperature up all the way and curled up in a little ball and layed there, letting it feel like rain as I cried some more.
Most depressing shower of my life.
I decided to wear my favorite shirt that defined me as a person. My bad-ass marvel shirt with all the characters up there. I liked to refer to myself as a hero. I didn't know how, but ever since I walked around the house at age 4 wearing no shirt, my underwear over my neon blue tights, my blankee as a cape, a tiara and play high heels, I knew thats what I was going to be. A super hero. When I become famous, its not because I want the fame or the riches, Its because I want to be a hero to the fans who have nothing in life, but the vibrations of music in their ears and the lyrics that I sing and they hold onto. Yup, It was going to happen.
I went to dinner, ate with Shadow and afterwards went to the Rec. So far the day was great. We decided to play Dance Dance Revolution and I was waiting for him because he was talking to someone in the Recs office. I got a gut feeling and I didn't know why. He was right next to me so what was he doing so bad? I pushed aside my intuition. The more I waited the more the gut feeling got worse. Finally I got impatient.
"Shady" I said. He ignored me. So I tried again. "Shady" He still ignored me.
"Shadow!" I yelled. He seemed to be laughing with the person, and said.
"Ha, hold on, I be there in a sec" I got curious so I walked over around the little barrier between us. Once I saw the black hair and light skin, my stomach dropped and I felt like my heart was in my throat. It was the "Witch" Why witch? Because she went around campus teasing every guy because she knew she was cute. She was like a more fierce version of Carot Top. I hated her. All at once the nausea came back up and I felt like I was going to throw up everywhere. I ran to the bathroom and vomited, again. I waited a little bit, rinsed out my mouth then regained the little bit of self-confidence I had left.
You may be confused why this bothered me. Because honestly? The Witch was fucking gorgeous, and I envyed her for it. I could see right through her though. She had family issues and was very heartless. She got hurt once and now hurts guys because of what she felt. I hated her for that. She also was the main distraction of my past relationships here and I hated it. It was like 'damn, am I not pretty enough to take your attention off of her?' I'd ask my boyfriends at the time but they just ignored me, because they were stuck in a trance over her. The Witch.
I exited the bathroom and they were right there. They said something slick but I ignored it and went into the game room and tried to play some games. But it didn't help. I asked for Gamers phone as I went outside in the freezing cold, in a thin jacket. I didn't care because I was already numb. I ran behind the building, went to youtube and listened to "Impossible" by Shontelle. I cried my eyes out as I layed on the ground looking up at the heavens I didn't care how ridiculous I looked because I was already at my all time low. No one was outside because of the cold and no one could see me through the windows because they were all occupied to what the Rec had to offer. I layed there conforted by the cold stone concrete beneath me and suddenly, little snow flakes started to fall. But it was awkward because it was very light.
I cried there for about 20 minutes then got up, because I couldn't cry anymore. There were no more tears to form. My face was smothered with tears and I whiped them away. Suddenly as I sat up and sat there for a little bit the snow stopped. I felt like, that meant something. I don't know what, but I know it meant something.
I went inside and tried to have a good time and ignore him. Delete him out of my life. I was done , completely done.
About 2 hours later when I got in line to get pizza because It was someones birthday, I felt someone tap me as I turned around. The first thing I saw was a black and clear beaded bracelet held out on an index finger. I looked up at Shadow and he had a sad, painful look on his face, like he didn't want to give it away. Like the bracelet was his breathe and I was a bully taking his life away. I looked at him and he said,
"You said your done with me, so I thought you'd want it back" He gave me the saddest eyes ever, and I just wanted to hold him close and tell him never to worry again, but Rogue wouldn't let me. Rogue was offended. I told him we'd talk about everything first.
After pizza we talked it over, and he didn't understand what he did wrong. So I explained it all to him. He had an understanding, I think because we moved on from the topic and I apologized even though I didn't do anything wrong I just felt like, once again. I couldn't lose him, despite I already did. I just couldn't ... let go.
We played around for the rest of the night, but I couldn't help but feel like shit the whole time. I wanted him. I loved him. I hated him. But fell in love with him. I couldn't stand him. But I needed him. I wanted to run away. But didn't want to leave without him. I couldn't understand this.
We entered the dorm since It was almost curfew and I overheard someone say it was 9:50pm. My heart sunk. That only meant 10 minutes. It just wasn't enough. I could never spend enough time with him. I didn't like how we were far apart. How we were so close, yet so distant. This made me feel like I was helpless. I couldn't possibly be happy without him physically, mentally, and emotionally. But I had too. & that was the hardest truth to accept. Something in my body wouldn't let me. It wasn't Rogue, It wasn't just Vivian. It was .. every fiber of my being.
Just didn't feel right with out him. Honestly? This is what it feels like to get your heart truely broken for the first time. First love? & he breaks me. Not once, not twice but everywaking moment. And I was the dumbass, because I pushed it aside because I just wanted him close. Wanted him no matter what the painful toll was I had to pay.
At that moment I realized Shadow was tapping my knee over and over again. He gave me a look that said, "Please don't be sad" I gave him the fakest "assurance" smile so that he wouldn't feel bad for me. I didn't want him to .
"Don't smile, Because theres something bothering you. & its bothering me too" I hated those words coming from him because I didn't want anyone to feel the way I was, EVER. Never, on the face of the planet should ANYONE have to feel this way.
"ROLL CALL!" someone yelled. It was curfew and I felt my heart sink in the bottom of my shoes. He walked me over to the stairs and gave me the tightest warmest hug. I loved it. It killed me alittle more inside.
"I love you" I whispered. But he was too busy talking to someone. I felt something shatter inside. Is it possible that my heart could really break even more than it already is? You can't break a heart if it was never whole to start with.
I walked up the stairs and ever footstep I felt myself get closer to my dungeon where I'd cry myself to sleep again.
Bingo! : I was right. & That night, I felt like My mind was on him, up until 12 o'Clock. & Even then I couldn't sleep because I felt like a entity in my room was trying to kill me. Later that night I felt something choke me, every couple minutes. I couldn't breathe. What did this mean? I didn't know. So I stayed awake till my eyes couldn't hold open anymore.
4:30am I fell into an endless slumber of pain and tear stains on my cheek.
Love Is Blind and complicated.
The Next day went by pretty smooth, Shadow and I were chill and after school I went to my room and got dressed up. Something about it being Friday kicked into my system and I felt the need to celebrate. I'd gone through ENOUGH for one week and it was time to reward myself, and I guess everyone looking at me. Not to brag.
I got dressed up in a 80's theme swag. With a long sleeve shirt that cut off right underneath my boobs with a plaid shirt which a tighed around my waist and some high waisted tights and my combat boots. Yes! I was looking right.
I guess part of me was dressing up for Shadow just to show him how beautiful I was but most of it was for myself. We enjoyed dinner and I asked him his plans. He told me he was planning to go off center with a fellow friend of ours who would be leaving monday. I didn't like the idea of it because I didn't want him to get terminated for violating our Restriction and Probation but I eventually agreed on letting him, even though it wouldn't have been my call anyways. He let me keep his phone when he left and I kinda felt good about that I guess. Just because He promised to call me and keep me updated. That made me feel a little closer to "a relationship" to me. So I took whatever I could get from him.
After dinner I was heading to the Rec, which was about 30 minutes after he left and I spotted him walking towards me.
"Aren't you going to go off campus?" I asked. He shook his head.
"Nah," I thought to myself, "Hmm whats the catch" but I accidentally thought too loud as I said:
"Oh, they wouldn't let you leave?" He shook his head no. "What, you got a gut feeling not to go?" I tried again, He shook his head no, then smiled down at me.
"Nah, I wanted to spend time witchu" He replied. I felt blood rush to my cheeks and butterflies try to take flight out of my bellybutton. This was so cute. So sweet. Soo... not like him. I kinda didn't believe him because of the look on his face but I decided not to let Rogue ruin how I was feeling.
We entered the Rec and chilled a little bit, and eventually walked to the main office to get some weed a friend of ours had copped. Shadow rolled the joint in the bathroom and I decided to take him somewhere nice. We climbed the hill and climbed in a fire escape on the side of one of the main buildings. Once we got up there the view was Beautiful. It was a view of all the city lights and far out into the distance of DC. I loved this view and usually came here to think. Okay, I came here EVERYTIME to think, cry, sometimes even just take a breather & I loved the idea of showing someone who I loved the view. This was a special moment for me because it was like showing him a side of me and saying "here I hope you think its beautiful." Shadow loved it. He would lay his head on my shoulder with his right arm behind my back and just stare at the lights. I felt at that moment I was looking at the world at our finger tips and nothing could stop us from whatever we wanted to say, think or do.
Of course my feelings and perception was enhanced after we smoked a little, but that was only better for myself. I was feeling happier and honestly? I felt like for once? Maybe, I am in the right place, at the right time, with the right person, in the right circumstance. Eventually the feeling went away when we decided to leave because my high-ass was feeling paranoid. We went into the Rec Center again and played a couple board games with our friends then eventually left, once we met up with "Island boy" Who was the friend I told you about that was leaving monday.
On our way to the dorm they sparked the other half of the joint and we just giggled and played around. I was feeling perfect. I was high, just spent a cute moment with Shadow and earlier, before we copped the weed, Shadow kept flirting with me, making me feel special and kept kissing me. I swore everytime we kissed though, in the back of my mind I was thinking whether he was playing me again to make me feel happy or whether he actually meant everykiss. I pushed aside the thought and Entered into the dorm lobby and sat there. Shadow and I talked a little bit before one of the boys I call my son here invited us to go smoke. I saw Shadow silentely debate in his head whether he wanted to but I decided to let him have his space, his freedom, because I wanted him to feel like he wasn't obligated to do nothing and maybe if he was getting TOO much freedom from me, eventually? He would miss me. I told him that I didn't want to smoke and that I'd just wait for him. He promised me that he'd be back soon, that it didn't take too long to smoke. I smiled and let him disappear.
Boy was I wrong.
30 minutes went by the SLOWEST and I just kept making up scenarios in my head of what happened. Maybe he got caught, or maybe he was just so high he forgot about me. Or maybe he just truely wasn't going to come back.
45 minutes went by SLOWER and I had smoked half of my ciggarettes by now and was starting to feel my throat get sore. God, he really did forget me, and he really didn't care.
12:25pm and curfew for us ? Was in 5 minutes. To my dismay, he walks in high as fuck and just sits down. I'm beyond hurt, pissed, broken and dissappointed but I did my best to pretend like I was cool with it. This is what he had to see, so he would believe that he could do whatever he liked and in my mind this was the key to make him like me again. But it just bothered me that he didn't even seem to care.
He eventually cracked my code and told me that he felt bad, that tomorrow we'd spend time together. This made me feel a little less dissappointed and I took my stuff, gave him a tight, reassuring hug and took my ass to bed. Little did I know that I'd end up crying for the next 2 1/2 hours. It was a rough night and I finally fell asleep to sounds of Keyshia Cole, and Kelly Clarksons, heart break music.
The next morning I woke up with nothing but cramps and I knew it was that time of the month. Lethargically, I got in the shower, and went back to bed. I was in so much pain I couldn't even stand up. I knew I promised Shadow I'd meet him downstairs at 1:00 or 1:30 but the way I was feeling from last nights episode and this mornings beautiful gift of nature? I would've just lost it and ended up coming back upstairs from crying. I couldn't stand to see him right now, but I guess I couldn't hold a grudge from him because He said he'd make it up today and spend time with me, so I dozed off for a little bit before I got up, took ANOTHER shower, just because of OCD, and got dressed. I didn't feel like myself. I felt more numb than usual, and just made my way down to the gym. We were having a Home basketball game against another job corp and I figured he'd be there.
Before I entered into the gym I saw The Ex walk out looking gorgeous than EVER. I guess I was so numb and careless today I slipped up:
"You look beautiful today" I said emotionless. She turned and walked up to me as she said.
"Thank you" She replied as if I'd just saved her lost puppy or something. I guess she'd been waiting to talk to me? We sat there in silence as I inhaled my cigarette. I offered her one but she said she had a pack, so I put them back in my back pocket. She took a exhale.
"Why'd you make me do this?"
"I don't like how things are, anymore, between us." I replied. Completely ignoring what she just asked, but I felt like she needed to hear it and she did, by her facial expression.
"Me either" She gave me a wry smile.
"Look, I'm sorry" Was all I could usher out of my mouth. I was already feeling dumb for falling for Shadow in the first place, because of how he played me. And I definately felt dumb for how I sacrificed having a great friend like her, for a boy that never got me anywhere but back down depressions road. She gave me a forgiving look.
"Its okay, you know I could never hate you Vivian" She replied as she hugged me. YES, she HUGGED ME. I felt so good inside. Like a load was just lifted of my shoulders. This honestly, had been bothering me for a minute. Ever since I first started talking to Shadow, this was always something that I wished I could do, and honestly I felt like right now was something I needed for today since all the bullshit I'd gone through, dealing with HER ex and now mine. We talked about how much we missed eachother and that we'd talk later.
I walked into the gym where the game was going on and made my way to sit by Shadow. I felt much better that 1) Me and the Ex were cool and 2) Today was the day I got to spend time with Shadow.
We watched the game laughed a bit and he decided to step out to smoke a cigg which he borrowed from me and I accepted the Ciggarette break. I liked spending quality time with him, even if it was just for a couple seconds. A couple people were outside balling on the ball court and it lured him in, so I followed and shot a couple hoops then played soccer with a basketball with my friend I like to think of as the "Butterfinger" Honestly, if a Butterfinger was a person? He'd look like him. Not that thats a bad thing, he actually looks attractive, he's just light skin and I don't know why he reminds me of a Butterfinger, he just does okay? Haha.
After a few rounds I rested on the bench, play fought with Shadow and invited him to play soccer with me and Butterfinger but he said he hated it and didn't want to. He sort of snapped to. He'd been in this whole different attitude since I met up with him and I didn't know if it was because he was high or because he just wanted to give me attitude because of something he felt and it was really getting on my nerves. He even got up and went into the Rec to play spades. This really pissed me off because he said we'd spend time today but didn't even do it? Like how are you going to tell someone something and not even do it? Especially if you were in the wrong the night before from ditching them and basically stood them up. I started feel really dumb after he said he was going back to play again after dinner. This was it, the last strand. This was NOT how I envisioned today and especially after what happened last night? Like what had gotten into him. He was really starting to remind me of my ex who was just always so high they didn't realize how they were acting & this started to REALLY turn me off about Shadow. Shadow was a very good person and had a lot of good qualities but the way he'd been acting lately was like an addict.
I didn't have anything really against smoking weed but when its all the time I didn't like being around it because I felt like I wanted sober attention, not high attention, get me? Rogue was REALLY pushing her way out and honestly I was too weak and fed up to try to ignore her today. In the line to getting food I really felt like I was going into trasformation, usually when I'm getting misunderstood, I'll sit back and let Rogue say her FEW WORDS, but this time, she took over COMPLETELY.
Rogue told Shadow she needed to talk to him when he sat down and as she counted down the last seconds before he took his seat in front of us, she was about to go off. But in a kind manner. She began to tell him how she, well, WE, hate liars. She didn't like the fact that he'd lied yesturday AND today. That if he says he's going to do something? Then he should do it. Rogue was tired of following him around like a little lost puppy just because he had my heart and he knew it. He did what he pleased carelessly and didn't think twice. It really hurt. Rogue laughed in his face because it amused her to see how silent he was for once. He just sat there like he didn't know what to say because everything she was saying was right. She explained how love was really blind and that she, us? We could really see him for how he really was and how he had faked it so many times in my face and I didn't see it. It was crazy, ridiculous, amusing. Rogue just laughed and told me that we were worth so much more than that, and She let him know that too.
At this point Shadow was completely falling asleep at my words but Honestly? Rogue just kept laughing inside because she knew the Karma was going to be too real for this boy, but Vivian kinda felt bad. Although, at this point the thoughts that I was feeling was at the back of my head because Rogue was full-blown out there and was taking over. I've never had this happen to me.
"Next time we talk? Try to be a little less pathetic" Rogue said bluntly then walked off to dump her tray.
Whoa! - was all Vivian could say. I've never felt like Rogue was in so much power before. I was feeling ... free. Like I could take over MY life again. Like everything was at my fingertips and if I wanted to? I could pull all the right strings. I decided to go dance with my brother at the Rec to spend quality time with him before he went on the Rec trip where they were taking every one skating. After he left I decided to play Texas Hold'em with my group of friends. Just as the game started I felt like it ended. Shadow walked in and joined the group to watch. I hated being around him honestly at this point just because, Vivian was still vulnerable to being in love with him and Rogue just wanted to laugh in his face and punch him all together. I did my best to ignore him, until one girl walked up to him and was leaning on him and smiling and laughing and shit. It made both Rogue AND Vivian fucking pissed. Why was I getting so pissed off if I just basically told him he was pathetic. Because Rogue felt that way, but Vivian didn't. Rogue felt that he was a waste of time, a back-stabbing, sneaky, cunning, snake. Which honestly? Was almost true. But Vivian still loved him to death and it killed her. I guess thats why Rogue came out so bad, because she was defending how I felt and didn't like it ever since he started treating me wrong. Rogue hated sitting back in the side-lines and watching Vivian get hurt. Be there everytime she cried her self to sleep, sometimes in the middle of class for no reason in the bathroom, and Sometimes when she caught of glimpse of him and he didn't notice her. Vivian was strained, weak, and vulnerable and Shadow didn't care.
At all. And it killed us both.
Shadow at this point was checking out her ass and I guess telling her how fat her ass was. I felt myself get nausious, but I swallowed down the excess air and kept playing. Moments went by when she came back and flirted with him somemore. She eventually told him she was leaving and he gave her a long, meaningful hug. This fucking hurt. BAD. I mean HORRRRRRIBBBBLLLLYYY BAAAAD! I felt like that was the straw that broke the camels back. Rogue was going off in the head and Vivian was already crying. Rogue reached for the music speaker that Island boy gave me to hold, but Vivian had only enough strength to pull back her arm to push away from the table. I guess Rogue was so strong that when I made the effort to stop her from throwing the speaker at him, when I tried to push away, I ended up pushing all my playing chips all over the table. I got up crying my everything out, Rogue did her best to make it known she was pissed and pushed aside the chair, loudly. I ran in the bathroom and threw-up more than I ever have in the past year, including the time when I was sick with a stomach virus. I felt so sick, broken, just fucking destroyed.
How could someone treat me like this? How could someone be SO careless they hardly think about what their doing? Let alone care? I've had people I've hated, I've had some ex's that I really truely and honestly never gave a fuck about their feelings but I've NEVER done some fucked up shit like that before.
Me and Shadow weren't dating but he was fucking with my head. One moment he was telling me that if I was Vivian mostly all the time he'd consider me more, then he'd stand me up, Then he'd be kissing me , to go back to standing me up, to go from telling me he's going to spend time with me, to standing me up AND hitting on a girl IN FRONT OF MY FACE! that was the WORST pain I've ever felt in my life. I felt so fucking hurt, if you guys only knew the LEAST of what I was feeling you would'nt be able to walk away from your computer and smile again a day in your life without wincing in pain a little. It felt like I was nothing.
That I was a peacock and he stripped me of all my beautiful feathers and I was left looking like a mere bird that blended in with the rest of the world. That my beauty didn't matter and that I would never fly again. Well, Peacocks don't fly, but you get the point. I just felt like nothing was worse in the world, that my breath, thoughts, my very being was just useless and unwanted.
Is this what it felt like to be in love? Because If so? I wanted out. I wanted to feel free like I did earlier today. That maybe I could be able to just forget about EVERYTHING that ever happend. Just the thought of him hugging her so long made me throw up some more. I was left there gagging on nothing but air because I nothing left in my stomach to throw up. My stomach clenched and I was spitting up blood. I began to cry, scared that this boy was really the death of me. Still spitting up blood for about 5 minutes, I manage to get myself to stop. Go to the sink and rinse my mouth out. Luckily when I gained myself together again and exited the bathroom, one of the boys in the weight room actually had some listerine strips and gave me 3 pieces of "5" mint gum.
I think he over heard me in the bathroom because he gave me a pitiful knowing look and sent me on my way. I really didn't want to go back in the Rec, but I just told myself to forget about him because I had nothing left in my stomach to throw up. So I made no eye contact with anyone in their.
I truely honestly didn't know he was in their until, after I was conversating with The Ex and he came over right in front of us to play pool. I thought to myself whether he would've came over there to play pool if it was just me over there sitting, because I knew he was over here because he was trying to ear hustle to what both of his ex's were talking about. Soon enough the boy I like to call "Grandpop" Because he's really black and reminds me of a grandpop, came over and decided to invite us to smoke a clip with him in the back. I lead The Ex outside and we smoked.
After being high The Ex and I decided to go to the gym but detored to the bathroom where we spent like 30 minutes just conversating and catching up on everything. We were both dumb-high and the conversation was actually funny and boring at times. After we realized there was nothing to do , she went back to her dorm and I went back in the Rec to chill with Butterfinger.
Butterfinger is a pretty interesting guy. He's pretty cute but his sence of humor is really dry, a lot of people, even myself, find his jokes offensively funny. We got off on a debate about if there really is a god, because he's athiest, to another conversation about if he'd hit a girl. With talking to Butterfinger, I find that I feel a little happier talking to him because he makes me laugh and he actually listens when I speak. And I don't mean just listen to repeat it back but he actually takes it in to recreate my character that he sees me as in his eyes. Like reading between the lines. I get bored of being in the Rec so we head to the dorm where we rapped everything up. I tried to talk to Shadow because I felt like I wanted to get to the bottom of things because he was fucking with my head. I waited almost two hours until curfew and he never came back. That was like the cherry on top of my only broken heart... not.
Butterfinger gave me a good tight hug that I knew meant, "Everythings going to be okay" And we parted ways. I felt a little better because atleast SOMEONE was there for me. & Made my way up to bed.
Getting over you.
It took me forever to actually wake up. To actually open my eyes say I'm getting up, to actually say "I'm fine." today. but the truth is? I wasn't okay. I was depressed out of my mind and I was just like "fuckit" I'm not doing shit today. I layed in bed and just stared at the ceiling before dozing off into another endless slumber. I repeated this procedure for about 2 1/2 hours off and on. After I decided I couldn't sleep anymore I peered over at the clock 10:45am It read. So I sat there awake and just stared at the ceiling thinking. Every little memory kept playing in my head like a bad movie and I just wished that it had only been a bad dream and that now I was awake. The more I thought about it, my body was subjected to hella cramps and I started feeling nauseated. I stood up and ran to the bathroom. After vomiting up for about 15 minutes I got up and brushed my teeth then went back to bed. My stomach felt so horrible and I just knew today was the day I'll just stay in bed.
I curled up in a little ball, after I turned on the radio and let my covers swallow me whole. I was a lonely girl, in a huge world, feeling very small, & alone. I listened to depressing music all morning throwing up over and over again until I really had nothing to throw up anymore. I needed to stop eating before I fell asleep. I think this caused me to be able to even have the ABILITY to throw up in the morning. After laying in bed and crying / vomiting for 4 1/2 hours I got up and got dressed. I didn't really feel like feeling down today. I'd already skipped breakfast to avoid Shadow and now was hiding out in my room because of pain I was feeling BECAUSE of him. How come my life was STILL revolving around him even when he wasn't in it anymore. I got up and took a shower getting beautified and after my work was finished I looked B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! (: I felt like I was a little bit back on my grind of being Vivian again. I stepped out my dorm smelling like Japanese FlowerBlossum and strutted with every step I took. I left my glasses in the room, because I didn't want to see, anyone, just so they couldn't take away my ounce of confidence I'd gained from God knows where. Along the way of going to the Rec I saw some friends smoking a blunt and they relunctantly passed it to me. I took some debo hits off of it and before I knew it I was heading back to my room. Why? Because I was high as fuck, and for some reason the idea of being outside was pointless. Fuck my "ounce of confidence" it didn't exactly go away, I just wasn't feeling like I needed to show off for anything. I went back to my room, kicked my boots off and cuddled with my stuffed puppie that was 2x the size of my torso, and closed my eyes thinking of everything. The radio was still on and with every song that came on I just decided to imagine myself in a music video. This helped me gain my happiness because honestly, despite what bullshit went on, this whole experience was like shit I had to go through to get famous. Thats how I looked at it. & No matter WHAT Shadow thought or tried to do, he could take away my sanity but he would NEVER take away my soul, and dreams. I smiled to myself and thought, "He took away my everything, my thoughts, my sanity and my happiness but at the end of the day he can never take away my heart soul, and dreams. They remained untouched and remain just for me" Rogue was starting to sound smart... wait, I realized at that moment it wasn't Rogue thinking. The person thinking was.. me. Vivian. I told myself to hush because I was high, but took a mental note to not forget how I was feeling and what I had just realized to myself.
I peered over at the clock and it read 4:35pm. Oh well. Dinner was really a necessity and I really didn't need to run into Shadow. I was doing well with avoiding him as it was, but my high was waring off and I kinda wanted to get blowed. I doze off to a light sleep for about an hour, when my roommate came in.
"You still in here?" She asked in surprise, clutching her heart, faking a heart attack.
"Yeah? I told you I'm not going to dinner. Today I'm chilling" I replied, sounding a bit slurred. She stared at me for a second.
"Are you high?" She asked sounding like a protective mother.
"Yes, bitch, I'm high" I replied from underneath my covers. She just laughed and made a noise that sounded like she was disapproving, but I didn't mind. After about an hour or so, I decided to get up and stop being lazy. She told me that there was a superbowl party so I decided this could help me be a little happier, and if I ran into Shadow then oh well.
I made my way over to the Rec, to go see the superbowl party. There were tons of people crowded around the little mini flat screen TV that was mounted on the walls opposite from eachother so the Rec was almost evenly devided in half. I peered around until I saw someone familiar. They had a grey Urban Outfitters beany on and was slouching in a chair. "Hey, I know that slouch" I said to myself. Then I realized it was GAMER! He'd left on Friday for the weekend and I'd thought about him many times throughout the weekend. I ran over to him and gave him a big hug. We exchanged the usual I miss you's and whats been up type shit. We decided to get his PS3 so we could play World At War.
On the way there and back from the dorm of getting his game system, I hipped him to everything that had happened, and he just did his familiar tsk tsk and told me I deserved better, which was entirely right. Other times I would've just told him to shut up with the nonsense but I think after dating an arrogant asshole like Shadow, I think I started to humble myself more. I thanked him for his input as I helped him hook up the game system. As I helped him I peered over and saw Shadow. I felt a pang in my gut because it was the first I'd seen him today and also because he was sitting next to the same girl he was hitting on yesturday in my face. This made me feel some type of way, but I tried to push it off. & Play.
Time went by and I couldn't help myself from looking over there , it just made me feel so... insulted. She wasn't ugly, but she wasn't pretty either. Like why would he down grade and not even that, why would he move on so quickly ? Like this just hurt. After about 30 minutes I realized they relocated to watch the game, as they sat there in the back all whispering and shit and this was it, I needed to pull him away from her. I don't know why but I just felt so, jealous, so hurt, so neglected, so .. forgotten. I didn't know if this sudden urge was from snorting some white shit I found out of my old purse or if it was just purely for the fact I wasn't over him like I thought. I pulled him outside for a ciggarette and started venting. I felt really embarrassed because I couldn't stop talking like a million miles an hour but it just came out like diarhea of the mouth. I just kept going and going and going. He explained that he wasn't ignoring me "persay" he was just trying to help me get over him and this was the easiest for him to do so. I just stood there confused because not only a day ago was he telling me to be myself more and he would've considered me. So what the fuck happened? He was an emotional rollercoaster. He was more indecisive than I was and thats really confusing.
I just felt like the way he looked at me was as if I was just ... there. He looked at me like I was another person, just another being, another soul that was just merely there and that really hurt. I told him that this conversation was just...blehh & he could go inside and watch the game. I was trying my best to hold down the food that I'd eaten before I came to the Rec but he was really making me feel nauseaus. I just stood there after he left then moments later just went inside.
After going inside I realized I needed someone to talk to, whether it was flirting, crying or even just staring at. I needed someone to be there because my heart was a little numb and needed someone to teeth on. I spotted Butterfinger at the table with the rest of the guys including Shadow, who he was talking to. Before I completely reached the table I realized the two were talking and Shadow had shaken his head about something. I reached over and whispered into Butterfingers ear telling him I wanted to go back to the dorm to chill. I really didn't want to be around Shadow. Butterfinger gave me a knowing look then put all of his chips in (because they were playing poker) then stated: "I'm all in" He looked back at me and winked. I smiled a little. He was a good caring friend even though I knew he loved me. He actually ended up winning half of it with his other friend who I like to think of as "Kevin Heart" Because there both funny as fuck and short and black. & look almost exactly alike. Kevin Heart dealt in another hand I sighed and waited until it was over. Butterfinger ended up winning but decided to throw it in because he knew I wanted to get out of there. Before getting up he stroked the outside of my leg telling me it was alright because we were about to leave. I felt loved and I little bit happier.
On the way back to the dorm Butterfinger kept making me laugh smile but still inside I was hurting. I felt like I'd had a long day. Once we got inside there was no seats so we sat at the two tables close to the boys Dorm Leader office. I began to vent to him about what happened today and how depressed I was and how much I was in love with Shadow STILL after how much he fucked me over. Something in Butterfingers eyes softened and I could tell he cared. He took a breath looking like he was bracing himself.
"Why would you want someone who doesn't want you? You've gotta stop feeling this way because," He pause and looked at his hands then back up at me. "Look, Viv, I asked Shady before you walked over to the table, if he wanted you," He paused again searching in my eyes for something to hold on to, "And he said 'No'" He finished. This was like someone stripping me naked and throwing me in the middle of time square, New York. I felt like I had already known this but somewhere deep inside me I was trying to rationalize what it meant in another sense, but it was the cold hard truth. I felt like I was being exposed, because someone finally just said it, that hurt. Bad. I felt my eyes burn really bad and felt every bone in my body suddenly feel heavier and weaker. Tears sprung from my eyes. "Aw, Viv, Whipe your tears, please don't cry" Butterfinger said in a tone I've never heard him voice before. He sounded so caring, so loving, like it truely hurt him to see me cry. It was crazy because everyday this past week every time I've cried he's been there. I suddenly felt like he actually cared. But it still hurt to feel like someone who I really wanted to care for me could'nt even understand how much I really loved him.
"Don't waste you time on it though,Viv. Because he doesn't love you, and he's young. I know it hurts but you got to stop caring for someone who doesn't care." He said stroking my arm with his thumb. I felt like every word he was saying was something I already knew in the back of my head I just needed someone to say it to me. I felt horrible and like today was just needing to be over.
"Thanks, hun, but I'm bout to go to bed, I don't feel so well" I said behind my thick veil of tears. he told me, not to stress it and get a good night sleep. He told me to not worry about anything. He gave me the tightest, assuring hug I'd had in a long time. I felt a couple more tears fall because I was just really emotional about the whole situation. "Thanks" I muttered before releasing him and heading upstairs.
That night before I went to bed, I prayed to god and for once, instead of asking him to help me and Shadow to work out, for once in my life I asked for the strength to NEVER love again.
So this morning I felt .. rejuvinated! I woke up feeling like there was an extra pepp in my step. I got up combed my hair, did a thin line of eye liner and put on some neon pink kick-ass lipstick. I felt like the world was at the tip of my fingers. Its awkward though, because usually when it rains outside, is usually my best days. So you can already guess what it was like outside. It was raining. Hard! I smiled up at the sky even with the fresh water hitting my face I felt good! Like nature was giving my past a good wash away with a good earthly shower and that this was my turning point, my cleansing stage. I loved the rain and for some reason? I felt fucking invincible today <3
Everything was going fine even at lunch when I sat next to my roommates and a couple friends. We joked around like old times and I still had the urges to look around for Shadow but quickly stopped myself. I really didn't care anymore. But after lunch something about my adrenaline pumping or something, I couldn't hold down my lunch. I ended up throwing up what I'd eaten and the feelings of Shadow came back. But luckily they came back a good moment when I was already throwing up, so all those feelings went away. It felt great. I was done with him, and today I was feeling like I really was truely over the selfish bastard(:
Unfortunately the fuckery is too real. Everything that I seem to do still has a down side no matter what. So I guess the down fall of today? was the fact that a couple kids in my class found out that I had a blog and were keeping updated on what I was blogging. Okay, theres nothing wrong with having active readers but I wrote a blog for a reason. To write exactly what I'm going through without anyone HERE aware of how I really felt. It kinda shot down my little feeling of having this blog as my escape. I've done my best to keep my page anonymous but its about time they might slip up and tell more than one person on this campus. So Honestly? I might delete it. I haven't thought that far into my future yet but I hope that god's willing and will hold everything under control. Only problem is: God can't exactly control anyone.
Moments later the boy who found out I had a blog, "Retro" I like to think of him as because he has an awesome old fashioned style, it totally unique, came over and asked if I was mad. I wanted to say yes but there something about his persona that I just can't stay mad at. Retro is such a layed back, caring, unique character I couldn't possible stay mad at him. I explained that I just didn't want anyone to know, and his friend, "Stigma" (Which I think of him as Because theres something about him, that every person doesn't like, but that makes him unique because he's not like anyone, and I find that dope.) who also knew about the blog, I was scared he would say something to the wrong person who would accidentally go and spread it around campus. I just didn't like the idea of ANYONE on this campus knowing about... honestly, who I really was. I'd done so good with disguising it somewhat or covering it up, not that I was being fake, I just knew how to hide things.
Things today were going by slow but one good thing out of today was the one thing I can say made me feel, perfect. Like today couldn't get ANY better.
Retro passed me a note that said. (And I quote) :
"I don't love you but I'd love to get to know you personally, like what is burning the three personalities so deeply, you say you're bulimic well guess what I'm anemic in fact I have reasons everyday to get a knife and cut myself until I start bleeding, some days I value myself some days I want to rattle myself, I can't judge you for what you do, I won't judge myself either for wanting to pursue you, you see I want to help you, you see I want the best for you, when others talk about you. Truthfully at times I join in but because you got used to me. I want to say "she's really a sweet soul," I mean you really are, within the fiber of your very being you are a star, God created a wonderful lady, nature calls you her baby, guys see only your physical which drives me crazy, I see into the spiritual and I know you're made peace. Just let go of the ill emotions, let true love consume you, then swim deep into the ocean."
After reading this I was blown away and speechless. I would've never guess Retro to be that type of person to hurt his self and honestly I never really thought about myself as being bulimic, until today. I knew I threw up everyday but it never dawned on me until today that I'm .. well bullimic. I loved him for writing this for me. It made my happy rainy day even better and I felt like, atleast I had someone who found me beautiful and "Natures Baby" even through all my flaws. It was cute, and I believed him when he said he cared for me, not my body. I loved this <3 Today couldn't get any better ^.^
The rest of the day I just chilled with Butterfinger and for the most part everything was good (: He was retarded and funny and I got to play pool and beat one of his friends who was like really good. It was dope. I later went to bed with a smile on my face because everything was just going great for me. I'd only seen Shadow one time out of the day, and it didn't Phase me, thats how I know everything was about to lighten up. I also finished a book that I'd been head over heels in for the past 2 weeks and now was starting on a new book (: Last night I had the first good dream in a LONG time (:
i AM vIVIAN ROGUE.
Last night, before I went to bed I decided to put my hair in tight braids just to try out the hair style in the morning. So this morning when I woke up, I was feeling, well, beautiful. I'm starting to feel more confident in the things that I do because its like I'm starting to see my true beauty. I love it. As I started to undo my braids to reveal a beautiful wavy texture to my hair, I saw it made it a little more tame and even though It didn't come out EXACTLY the way I wanted I was still satisfied because I felt beautiful. I KNEW I was beautiful. That? My friend is the best feeling in the world.
I ended up going to breakfast with an extra pepp in my step, and I decided to go without glasses so I wasn't tempted to look at all the eyes that would be staring at me. Honestly, I hate it when people stare at me thats why I get so insecure. This way, I couldn't see them. I actually ended up sitting with my roomates for breakfast, joking around with my pregnant roommate as she scarfed down some chocolate pudding with a chocolate poptart and some bacon. I teased her about her cravings and she shot her tongue at me in a playful manner. I loved this moment. I was feeling like ... I was comfortable in my own skin, AND having fun first thing in the morning. This was feeling good. I saw Shadow sitting at his table with his friends, and started to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach but it quickly flew away because I realized who I was, and what I deserve. I realize that I deserve someone who REALLY cares about me, Not merely pretending to care. I deserve someone who loved ALL of me, not just ONE personality of me. I realized I deserved someone who cared, ALL the time for me, not just when he wanted to. These thoughts made me feel so much better and I said a silent prayer of thanks to God for helping me find my own footsteps and my own heartbeat. I started feeling a little bit discouraged though because that meant I didn't have a Valentine for Valentines Day, but I realized, that Valentines day was just a date on a calender for lovers and presents and for once ? I was happy without being in a relationship. I didn't feel compelled to quickly go find one because I'd gotten hurt in a matter of days more than I'd felt in my whole life, so I was fine with being alone on Valentines Day. I made plans with myself in my head and thought to myself:
"Hey, you got to love yourself before you love anyone else right?" And the idea clicked in my head! Valentines Day I'm going to treat myself! I was going to do what I wanted to do for a change and pamper myself, make MYSELF look beautiful for me and treat myself because I deserved it, and if no man would do it for me? I'd do it for MYSELF! (:
I got a sense of confidence from this and left the cafeteria. The smell of smoke outside gave me a sense of craving and I REALLY wanted a ciggarette but I decided to myself. "I'm going to only have a short for this morning and a ciggarette tonight" it wasn't completely quitting because that was just too damn hard, but it was a start. I needed to become a WOMAN and virtuous women don't smoke ciggarettes. Personally, that was so unattractive and I started hating myself when I FIRST started smoking. So this was the new plan, Quit ciggarettes and of course, no more drugs. I needed to live a free independant life, not depending on any man, substance or certain feelings. I am going to be a young woman and I'm going to get there one way or another. (: I'm feeling amazing today and NOTHING can stop me.
The next day was a "ehh" day. I still felt rejuvinated but everything seemed like it was off. For some odd reason, I seemed a little down, but I figured it was just my manic depression talking. I really didn't feel like feeling like this all day. Last night I'd ended up Texting the Shadow and we ended up talking, like we were cool. It was sorta confusing seeing as for the past couple days, we'd acted like we completely didn't know eachother. It also struck me as odd, that everyone was telling me, "Oh, yeah he's happy now" but when I saw him it looked like a different story. He looked so lost in thought that it drived him crazy. He looked like he was depressed but I guess I was the only one who could see that. I could read him like the back of my hand but at the same time, it actually was kinda hard because he'd put up a wall there after everything ended, so I actually had to make an effort to try to read him. All I knew was, he seemed, well, different. Last night between texting him, I found that we had a little dilema. We were coolin' joking around, until I went to the bathroom and realized.
"Hey, how long have I been on my period?" I asked my roommate, she paused looking down at the floor then answered,
"Since Sunday I think?" I did the math in my head. That was only 3 days ago. Only three days and my period was already almost over. This was normal. Sunday I'd been on completely, but Monday was like it was light, and today, was even lighter. I quickly ran to my bed and text the Shadow. I asked him when was the last time I had sex. He took a minute to reply. He told me that it'd been about a two weeks. I didn't think this could be possible but for some reason I got a pang in the middle of my gut. No, this wasn't happening.
I asked him the major question that would sum everything up. Did you not pull out?
He took forever to respond and I was beginning to come up with a million and one reasons why he wouldn't text me back. He seemed excited to text me in the first place right? So he wouldn't flake out on me.. would he? Minutes went by that felt like hours and he finally replied. He said: "Why?" I about threw my phone. He took like an HOUR to text back three letters. I started to second guess myself and just push aside the possibility. It couldn't be, was all I kept telling myself until I believed it.
I texted back: "No reason, Just wondering" I didn't feel like I needed to tell him anything that went on inside my head. It was bad enough he'd already invaded my personal walls I set up so high, and I'd just started putting them back up. Yeah, let him inside my head again? No, sir. He instantly text back saying: "No, what is it? Theres a reason and your not telling me." The statement stuck to me like a sticky note to my forehead. I was feeling guilty. Why was I feeling guilty? I didn't do anything wrong. I sat down on my bed before I passed out because I was feeling light headed.
I contiplated this for a minute. Should I really go into detail with him? These were my worries not his, This was my problem now, not his. This was my LIFE, not his. So why should I tell him? He wouldn't even care anyways. He already said that he didn't love me, didn't want me, and most of didn't want to be friends with me, so why was I trying? Fuck trying, why was I giving in so easily? I got a flash back to the recent time I pulled him outside from sitting with the other girl watching the game and he was so.. distant. I took a deep breath, and decided to take a risk. I didn't know everything and honestly? Maybe if he rejected me, and my rationalizations then that would help me move on even better. The adrenaline rush was crazy, I loved this.
I replied. : Well, My period just started two days ago and is already almost over. . " That was all I could bring myself to say. I couldn't go into detail because I didn't want him to know. I wanted him to put two and two together and tell me what he thought. Instantaneously, I get a reply.
"Is that pregnancy signs?" I closed my eyes feeling defeated, I shouldn't have asked. Just the sight of the word scared me and I was no where NEAR being able to accept the fact that it MIGHT be true.
"Look, did you pull out or not? I need to know" I quickly typed these words then held the phone close to my chest. I was too scared. This was NOT happening. Suddenly my mind started going off like a siren with a MILLION scenarios I'd have to deal with if it was true. I'd JUST got over the guy who I felt would be the death of me and just the thought of having to deal the REST of my life with seeing this dude was too fucking much. I started to feel nausious, but I held it down. Right now wasn't the time to puke, I had a feeling if I started that I would continue to throw up my whole stomach WITH the intestines. Yeah, I wasn't bout to do that. I got a text back and my heart dropped. He told me the very words I didn't want to hear and I just went off. I started cussing at him and screaming, well in all caps and telling him how worthless he was. I started to cry because I was beyond frightened for my life. I wasn't ready. Period point blank. I wasn't ready.
"Look, if this is the case, I'm going to the MAN that you've always wanted, I'm not going to play with your head, or your feelings. I will be the best person I can be." He kept on trying to calm me down but I was just going off. I was crying underneath my covers and wishing I could just go to sleep and not wake up. This was a nightmare I didn't want to except.
cITY lIGHTS & Final Decisions.
So, back to what I was saying, I woke up today feeling still happy but I was superscared of what might be. I didn't want things to be like this. I waited FOREVER to move on. I worked hard to forget him, it was like trying to bend a quarter, impossible. But I still managed to atleast delete him out of ONE part of my brain, which was the part that was connected to my heart. I really wasn't ready to deal with this. No part of me wanted this to happen. I mean, part of me was sorta happy, the part that still loved him, but the whole part of my being was like "NOOOO"
We were texting off and on during the day and by the time lunch came we talked with Butterfinger at the table and Shadow had a look in his eyes I'd never seen before. It was a look that said, he was... happy? I couldn't tell but it was something bright, something different. Like he'd changed, but just the idea of this kinda scared me. I knew EVERY one of his emotions and what they looked like, I've never been able to NOT tell what he was feeling, and this was a look, I've never seen. I felt a little discourage, but I had flashbacks of him treating me like shit, and suddenly all the good mushy things he was telling me to comfort me was just irrelevent. He didn't mean it, and he was a liar.
We made our way up to class and on the way up there we got lost in conversation about what we were going to do, I kept accusing him. I just knew it was all his fault. This whole situation was my fault and I just wanted him to feel horrible for this situation just because he'd made me hurt for so long. But still he was trying to comfort me, He swore he was different and actually had a heart this time. Why was he trying so HARD to make me feel better? He didn't care so why was he pushing so hard? He made me feel like I was stupid, because he swore up and down that this time would be different, that he cared for me, and that he would be the man that he needed to be. Then why was it that all of a sudden since we had this complicated dilema on our hands that all of a sudden NOW he wanted to be part of my life. It hurt, alot, just to think he'd rather just be with me because of the dilema and not for just me. But he explained that he had so much time to think while we were apart and felt like he found hisself. He explained before he was heartless because I loved him so much and he didn't love himself at all, and that he needed to find himself before he could love anyone else. He had a look in his eyes like he was pleading for me to understand. Like I was the only one on earth he was concerned, for once, about understanding him. I started to soften. I felt my walls come tumbling down again, and I looked up at the heavens and cursed and started to cry. I was so hurt, scared, confused. I didn't know WHAT was going to happen. It was just so confusing I felt, vulnerable then I'd ever been. He pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me making me feel that familiar sence of safety. Like no one could hurt me, him, .. us.
We got caught up in the hall and one of the teachers told us to return to class because we'd been going at it for about 45 minutes and were both late to class.
He walked me to my class and told me several times before I went to class how much he cared for me and wanted to be there, how he was GOING to be there and treat me this time around. He explained that either way if I was or wasn't pregnant that he was going to work things out with me because he cared for me, alot. Part of me was terrified, but in love ? You have to take risks and thats what we were doing. He gave me a hug and for once? I can say that was the first time I felt his.. everything. I felt his fear, honesty, and care. I felt his heart aching, I felt his mind overthinking and I felt his body heart and spirit really caring for me. For once in my life? I can say, that was the first real hug I'd gotten, from him. And that meant something to me. It really did.
After school was over, and after I'd spoke with my instructor we'd agreed that we'd go to the nurse the next day and get a pregnancy test for me. I was greatful for that. I wanted so badly to call my mother and vent to her but I felt like I just couldn't bring my mother the stress and I just needed to do this on my own. The Shadow and I went back to the dorm and instead of splitting ways and changing clothes and meeting up later we got lost in conversation and actually ended up talking in the lobby all the way until after dinner time.
I felt like we both were making up for lost time and He even looked like he'd missed spending time with me, because he didn't leave my side but a couple times to go do irrelevant things then came straight back to pick up where we left off. It was as if he loved talking to me.. like really? I felt like he'd changed. He was more open and willing to t alk to me. He was more willing to spend time with me and actually WANT to. It made my heart feel like it was being healed and he was making me feel wanted again. I loved this. I was scared the whole time because I half expected him to get up at any second and say "ha ha! you fell for it, it was all a joke" and strut off. I dont know why but I just felt like someone would pinch me & i'd wake up. It just didn't feel real. I felt like I was spending time with the person that I wanted to believe was really him the FIRST time he played me, the FIRST time he pretended to be the person he really was now. I cuddled with his arm, halfly because I didn't want him to jump up and say it all was a joke, this way if my imagination got the best of me and it really DID happen I could pull him in and punch him with my opposite hand. But also because I wanted to cuddle. I missed him and I guess this was a moment I could cherrish.
After talking for hours, literally, we split ways to get dressed because we were still in our uniforms and after we got dressed we headed to the Rec center. There we spent about an hour chilling with our mutual friends and for once I felt like he really was proud of spending time with me. Like we were a famous couple announcing to our fans that it wasn't over. After the Rec got boring we went outside for a ciggarette and talked, joked around and acted like it was old times again. It was freezing so of course I was shaking and trying to smoke AND talk at the same time. Im sure I looked like a crackhead going in withdrawl. He just smiled and to my surprise pulled me close and wrapped his arms around me to keep me warm. I was really surprised because The Ex's Minion had just walked up and he didn't seem ashamed to show he cared for me. He actually held ME in front of other people, even his friend who'd walked outside to smoke as well. This was a surprise, because before he would've acted awkward, shifting from side to side, from embarassment I guess. But no, this time he meant it, and all I could do was smile and blush to myself. I was wanted by the guy I've always wanted, Yeah, it was a pretty good feeling.
We head to the basketball court and just for him. I played 2 on 2 with Butterfinger and One of my old friends I actually came into job corp with in my group. We ended up winning and playing soccer with the basketball, which we won that game as well. After our Smokers lungs couldn't take it no more we all split ways and Shadow and I decided to go up the hill to look at the lights. Despite the windy cold weather, since we'd just got done playing two different sports we were actually hot. We found a bench that was on the outside of my trade building and sat there looking at the lights. To my surprise after I sat down, Shadow sat so close to me you could even fit a paper clip between us. He layed his head on my shoulder then eventually began to hold me. I was really shocked at the effort he was making to actually show me that he was... different.. that he'd ..changed. I was really starting to believe him, but I chose to keep my doubts just in case so if any moment he were to tell me it was a joke I wouldn't be hurt.
We began to reminisce about our pasts and about our situation and I began on telling him about how I used to be really into soccer and softball and how I taught my siblings how to play. He sat there and listened to me ramble on and for once? I actually felt like he was listening, Because he WAS listening and I was really happy. Despite the coldness outside, Shadow did his best to keep me warm and I loved this, I was beginning to really feel his affection and it wasn't the type of affection I was used to, not the kisses or bear hugs it more was like the affection that the heart does, that actions do that give you the "kisses and bear hugs" to the heart, to your soul. I shuddered at the idea that I was falling in love but I began to accept the fact that this was what I wanted, this is what i've always wanted and here he was giving it to me. I was always looking at other loving couples on campus who were lovey dovey wishing I could feel that, and now? I was feeling that. I was starting to feel like I was getting the affection I needed and that soon enough me and Shadow might be like that. Maybe, if I kept coolin', Shadow might do things on his OWN to me, that I wanted to be done. I blushed at the thought as we decided to go back in the dorm for the last couple hours and spend time with eachother. We talked, we worried, we rationalized, we joked, we analyzed. We talked about everything and before the night was over he gave me one of those rare hugs that he did earlier today and I was feeling like I was falling for him again.
He was going to be a perfect father to my kid, and if I didn't have a kid? Then he was going to be the perfect father-figure for a kid we'd later have, and a perfect boyfriend I was anticipating on having. I, Vivian Rogue? Was falling in love again.
Playing things safe.
So the next day was going by smooth. The morning was nice, we had a good breakfast and the Shadow and I were counting down the minutes before I had to go to wellness to take the test. The Yes or No. The answer to our future, that could change us both. The Docter ended up calling back to my teacher informing her she'd changed the time to 1:00. I sighed and went to take my break outside and smoke a cigarette. I examined the tobacco burning at the end of the cigarette. I really needed to quit. Shadow and I conversed for a little bit before going back to class. Eventually it was lunch time and we were eating laughing as if nothing was wrong with the both of us but I couldn't help but be concerned.
Soon enough 1:00 came and I'd just got off the phone in with my mom in time to walk over to the building for the appointment. I'd told my mom everything. See that was the thing about my mother and I. We couldn't hold anything from eachother no matter how hard we tried, We either gave it away or just couldn't hold it inside. So I ended up deciding to man up and tell my mom what was going on because If I WAS pregnant she would need to know and most of all I'd need to be a mother, a woman. So I decided to come clean. She handled it way better than I thought she would. This gave me a sense of security and it made me see how much my mother really loved me. I loved my mother, alot.
I made my way across the street and I could feel the anticipation eating at my soul. This was making me really nervous, but I kept it pushing.
I opened the door to wellness and gave my slip to the person behind the counter. She was an old lady who was I guess one of the docters who worked there and she looked familiar. I wondered if SHE was the lady I was supposed to come here to see.
"Okay, come in the back with me" She said through the glass as she pushed the button to unlock the bolted door. I followed her through the narrow hallway holding my breath and trying to breathe carefully. I didn't want to pass out. She led me to the back and told me to pee in a cup and she'd be back in the room to converse with me. I did as she told me and after I was done flushing the toilet, I began to wash my hands and looked up at myself in the mirror. Something caught my eyes, whether it was the glint in my eyes or the look on my face but it made me wonder, was I ready to be a mom? Financially, no. Emotionally? I didn't know the answer to this. This was a big responsibility to me, and I felt like this was a good and bad decision, but all of a sudden the thought of being a mother and holding my own child in my hands made me feel an aura of overwhelming happiness swept over my body.
I felt so happy, for some odd reason, my nervousness went away and it was all anticipation. I felt like with Shadow being the father and the person that he was now? And with me getting my shit together and my mother on my side instead of against me?
Anything was possible and I wasn't feeling like I was alone anymore. I had people who loved me and most of all, I would have a baby that I could really love for, the way I've wanted to love someone before. I took a breath and walked out of the bathroom and placed the container on the napkin she told me to. She asked me questions like "What are you goin to do if your pregnant" bla bla bla. & The whole time I just gave her bullshit answers she would want to hear because really ? The whole time I wasn't thinking about her, I was thinking about my life and how it was going to change if everything went supposedly south.
"Ohkay, Mrs. Vivian. We will let you know. Please come back tomorrow after the training day, have a good day." I all of a sudden snapped back into reality and realized that she wasn't going to give me my results. I know my eyes were as big as a keiser roll because she gave me a surprised look as if I just punched her in the stomach.
"Wait, what? I don't get the results today?" I asked befuddled. She took her glasses off and stared at me with a look that was pure sarcasm. But the words that came out of her mouth were the truth.
"No, we need to send it into a lab and we'll let you know either tomorrow or on Monday" She paused, with her mouth slightly ajar. "Anymore Questions?" She asked. She seemed irritated. I thought before I came back with anything smart because this old woman seemed like the type to fuck with my results just because I was rude to her. So I just held it in and nodded and exited the back room. As soon as I was about to walk out of the main office I saw a familiar face. Shadow. He Looked at me like he was unsure of what HE was even feeling. I flashed him an assuring smile and motioned for him to follow behind me. He said his goodbyes to the lady who was cool with behind the glass and followed behind me.
"Okay? So?" He asked. He looked nervous, scared, excited, curious & all. It was so cute.
"WERE HAVING A BABY!" I exclaimed and jump-hugged him. He caught me in a second delay and just stood there.
"Oh... baby." He said sounding excited, scared and surprised. I kinda felt bad but I couldn't keep fucking with him.
"I'm joking, but I took the test. Now we gotta wait until tomorrow to know the results" I finished with a look saying, this sucks. He just had his mouth open in an almost smile like he was unsure whether he should laugh or hit me. It was funny but I felt bad at the same time because I knew he was prolly pissed about what I was joking about, but whatever he was feeling he played it off well.
"Ahh! don't fuck with me like that!" He said snatching me up in a bear hug. I was glad he could except the fact that it was just a harmful joke.
Later that day we just chilled and talked about what would happen if I was pregnant. Both of us couldn't stand the suspence. It just was too much, but we played like we were kids, loved like there was no tomorrow, and cared like there was no one else in the world. I Loved how he was treating me. He was treating me like he really cared this time. & The crazy part was that I could FEEL he wasn't faking. Everything he was doing wasn't out of spite but out of the goodness of his heart. He seemed a thousand times more interested in me and more protective over me and that just made me feel like I was falling in love with him. He was more affectionate in public and didn't care who saw. It almost seemed like he was trying to show everyone that I was his again and I loved him for it. But honestly? I was really scared because It was like he was crushing ALL the walls I put up again to get over him and here he was prancing on in, making his way back to my heart and honestly? I've NEVER felt so vulnerable in my life. I was more helpless than I'd ever been because now? I was truely happy. Now? I was truely falling in love. Now? My heart was not only in his grasp but now, he was keeping it for good, & I didn't know what this was going to me. I felt like my life was literally in the hands of someone whose familiar with it, and not only was my life on the line, but it was my sanity too. But whats life/love without taking a risk?
We hardly got to spend time towards the end of the night because there was just too much going on. I was buzzed from taking a few debo hits from a blunt and Shadow was fried from smoking a big jay with one of his friends. Its either I was high or it was just honestly too much going on because Shadow and I spent like 2 1/2 hours apart from eachother off and on spending time at the end of the night. It sorta pissed me off but I just learned to let it go because I was going to see him tomorrow. We said our goodbyes and kisses n such and I made my way up to my bedroom.
Once I got in my bedroom I went crazy looking for what I was going to wear to the Fire N' Ice Ball, tomorrow. It was mandetory & despite the fact I was on restriction I still had to go and Lucky me, Shadow was my date. I was excited, don't get me wrong but I didn't know WHAT I was going to wear. Shadow had never seen me dress up and I was dumb nervous. I tried on EVERY PIECE OF CLOTHING I HAD. Literally. Everything seemed perfect. But everything looked ugly at the same time. I was second guessing too much and I was so fucking nervous. I tried on a Bustier and a cute skirt but just when I decided that was my option I realized how much it made me look pregnant. I looked on the big side and this made me start thinking about the whole situation and started making me feel dizzy. I shook my head like it was going to shake off the thoughts and put all my clothes away, setting aside my options to pick from tomorrow. I climbed into bed and layed there just thinking.
Was this what I wanted? Was I being too hasty for my own good? I was starting to really fall in love this time because the first time I was convinced I loved him, but that wasn't .. him. Now I was truely seeing what type of person he was and I could honestly say I liked this person better. This was the Shadow that I'd always seen in his eyes I just felt like that version of him was trapped behind his eyes. I realized this was the person I wanted to be with. He was the man that I envisioned myself with and Reguardless of the fact I act stupid sometimes I was praying that this was love just blinding me, because love is blind. I put my phone on my dresser, rolled over and started to doze off. Tomorrow was the day that I found out whether I was going to be a mother, baby mother, spouse and significant other. Tomorrow was the day where my life was really going to begin.
Friday finally came and that meant two things. One? Fire n' Ice dance and Two? The results were coming. The Shadow and I spent most of the day worrying, fantasizing and everything about the results we were nervous, we were scared, we were excited, we were ready. After school we made our way to wellness, and to my surprise, Shadow was already in there waiting for me. I gave him a kiss and made my way back there. The doctor and I made contact and she knew exactly what I was goin to ask. Before I could utter a word she cut me off as if she had the whole discussion planned out.
"Its not here today, come back on Monday" She said with an expression I couldn't exactly read. I just stared at her with a helpless expression. I didn't exactly know what to say. Here I was, a helpless teenager with my possible baby father and we'd already waited enough time and all she could offer for us was "come back on monday" ? This pissed me off, but I didn't say anything because I knew she would prolly fuck with my results. I sat there struggling aloud with what to say but when I seemed to utter out little sounds she seemed like she was ready to rebuddle whatever I had to say. I gave her a look finally saying "i give up" and exited the office. This was some bullshit. I couldn't believe this old hag. I hoped she died silently and met up with Shadow, he gave me a look that said he was hoping. It broke my heart because I knew this would stress him out. I brushed the side of his face then,
"She said they don't have the results, we have to come back Monday" I tried. He closed his eyes, like he was about to snap and I sorta drew back scared of what he was going to say or do, but to my surprise he didn't spaz he just sat there in a silent tantrum because he was angry, scared, disappointed, nervous, and anxious. I could feel it. I just grabbed his hand and helped him up but he just seemed unreceptive.
"Are you mad at me?" I couldn't help but ask. He shook his head, and began to walk with me. I grabbed him mid-stride and hugged him to try to reassure him everything would be alright. On the way back to the dorm we met up with our fellow friends "Simba and Nala" Simba because he reminded me of him, he actually looked really similar to Shadow only he was thick and had thicker curlier hair and his girl was light skinned, short, young and reminded me of Nala. They were like our little group, and we told them everything, ehh, somewhat. We explained we weren't getting the results until monday and just like us, they exhaled in impatience and shook their head. They were too much like Me and Shadow. As we made our way to the dorm Nala and I made plans to get ready for the dance together and the boys decided what they were going to do as well. Yep, its official. I was too nervous, & I couldn't even turn up if they had liquour there because I wouldn't know if I was pregnant. Oh, fun. . . . not.
"Okay C'mon Viv!" Nala yelled at me. I was doing the finishing touches to my lip liner and it was already past the time we should've been left. I'd taken forever to pick an outfit and I finally settled on a casual tuxedo dress with a grey cardian and tan heels. It was super cute. Not too casual not too dressy and I liked it that way. It gave me an innocent, white girl look and even though I wasn't white, I felt like I was born to wear this dress. We headed towards the Rec Center because thats where we were supposed to go and soon enough the bus was there and Nala, Simba, Shadow and I rushed to the mini bus, because it was first come first serve. We sat all the way in the back and chilled. Shadow kept admiring my looks and I felt beautiful. This wasn't like the time before when he played me and made me feel beautiful, this time was forreal and it made me overly excited to know he really thought I was stunning, forreal this time.
I blushed and giggled flirtatiously and let him stroke my ego, because lets face it, I needed it. He turned towards me and kept talking to me giving me the attention I needed and moments later, The Ex sat in the seat across from us in the back and it made me feel some type of way, because she looked absolutely beautiful and it made me start to feel insecure because I wondered if this made The Shadow have some inner battles with himself. He'd said a while back that he didn't want her anymore, but I still doubted that a little bit because the girl was beautiful I couldn't lie, but I felt like she was somewhat more beautiful than me in SOME ways.
He seemed to have diverged his attention all on me and that really meant something to me. I felt more important, more beautiful and more ... like a priority. After we got in the dance it started off slow and the music was "ehh" and we danced a little but once people got there it was JUMPING. I was dancing having a good time but every time I tried to dance with the Shadow, he'd entertain the idea for a half a second then would say forget it and walk off. It made me feel useless and started to get me heated. Finally I did one last attempt to grind on him but he just sorta pushed me away, this was it. So many guys had been trying to dance with me and I kept pushing them off but after he did this I just said fuck it.
A familiar friend came up behind me to dance, and he swayed my hips I looked around for Shadow. Maybe he'd want to dance with me if he saw me dancing with other guys. I started grinding going ham giving him a lap dance and people around were going "ayye" and "awwe" and I thought to myself, "Okay, Vivian, your doing great." But when I peered around I saw Shadow saw me for a quick second, hesitated then just went back to turning up. I got heated and just gave up, I just decided to crowd jump as everyone in a circle was jumping at a rhythematic beat and I joined in. After the song was over and started on the next I started getting in my zone, but Shadow wasn't around and this just made me skeptical if he was secretly hooking up or grinding with The Ex. The Paranoid side of me kicked in and I instantaneously started looking around the crowd searching for my baby. I saw him sitting in a chair off to the side. This struck me as odd because not too long ago he was killing shit.
I went over too him and tried talking to him but the music was too loud. So we decided to go off to a corner by the little bar stand, despite there were only sodas and water and I pulled him close to the inside door and talked.
"Why arent you dancing with me?" I yelled, he gave me a look, paused then continued.
"This is the dilema," He took a breath, "I can't dance with no body. Your dancing with other niggas but I can't get a girl to dance with me because they know how you are, cause they know you'll spaz on them" This made me infuriated instantly, so he WAS trying to dance with other bitches. This made me hurt, annoyed, disappointed, scared, and just anxious all together. This meant that he really didn't give a fuck that I was dancing with other guys, and he didn't care about me, or my feelings. This was all just an act, AGAIN. This made me panic and I didn't know what to do. I was looking around like the idea or solution was going to fall out the sky any moment and I had to catch it.
"Fine, fine. Y-ou can go dance with other girls. I won't say anything, I won't even care. Go" I said throwing my arm towards the crowd. I stepped back several steps to give him a path to walk. I was scared. If he walked away, to go dance? I knew this was real, he didn't want me, and I'd have to give up on him and worse of all, raise the possible fetus I had growing inside me. I took a deep unsteady breath and did my best to put my mouth in a straight line but I could feel my bottom lip quiver threatening to reveal itself, sticking out, and I felt the anger, pain, hurt, fear and anxiety shake inside me as my heart started to race. I could lose him. I really could. I peered over at the crowd for a quick second and spotted Nala And Simba all hugged up dancing together. I silentely wished to myself that Shadow and I could be like this. I looked back at him and I could tell he felt stuck. Ugh, no. I didn't want him to feel like this I wanted him to choose what he really wanted. Me or the other thots in the crowd. Me & the baby, or the freedom doing WHATEVER he pleased. He shook his head and said nevermind and found a nearby seat. I knew this wasn't what he would've chose if he was really able to control the outcome of this. I hung my head feeling helpless and walked over to him and started grinding on him when the song came on, he acted like he liked it even though I knew he didn't. But I stifled the tears and pretended to be into the dance I was giving him. Soon enough he stood up and we went into the crowd and once again he kept leaving me and turning up with other people. He was mad and I could tell this wasn't the end of things.
After he'd ignored me for about 20 minutes I'd learned to turn up by myself and wandered to secluded groups everywhere and was mosh pittin with everyone until one of my songs came on and I could feel Rogue coming out, Fuck Vivian, who the fuck was she? I was in my zone, and it really only took 20 minutes. Rogue started twisting and turning grinding my hips and bending over shaking my ass I could feel Rogue going hamm, Suddenly I felt my best friend behind me as back it was, "Rush" I named him this because he reminded me of James Carter from Rush Hour 1-3. He was retarded, totally awkward, and just dumb but he was my first friend I ever had here so I was like Fuck it. Brother and Sisterly love can't hurt. I started dancing and he joked around doing the cat daddy behind me as I eventually laughed and pushed him off, just as I looked over to my left I saw Shadow was looking at me and I suddenly remembered I'd told him I wasn't going to dance with any other guys and I felt really Bad, like I got caught doing something. But in all honesty? it wasn't even like that AT ALL. Rush wasn't even attractive in my eyes and I didn't understand how he'd count him as me fucking up. I tried to run after him but every time I got to grab him to face me he just gave me a look like he was disgusted. I felt empty and hurt. I just stopped dancing all together. Vivian had come back forsure but This made me feel just hopeless.
After sitting out for a little while my song came on and even though I was feeling like shit Rogue pushed me to the dance floor and some how coincedentally, Shadow was in reach and when I felt the beat grab my sould I grabbed him and started dancing on him. Shadow was surprised but abliged and eventually started dancing with me. To our dismay, they played my OTHER favorite song next and I just kept going ham giving him the best dance I could at the time trying to say in between my hips "I'm *grinds, grinds* Sorry" I'm pretty sure he got the message because after about 3 songs of me dancing on him, he pulled me aside and said.
"I don't think we needa talk this over anymore" He said with a relieved smile and I could tell on his face he was really happy. This made me excited in more places than others but I won't go into that. He liked my dancing and he was happy. That was enough for me. We kept dancing for the rest of the night and everytime a guy tried to push up under me he'd put his arm behind me pushing the guy away and this just made me so fucking happy. There was nothing I loved more than a territorial boyfriend and Thats what he was doing. For the rest of the night we were going hamm turning up going crazy and having fun, sweating like crazy and grinding together. Towards the end of the night they played a grinding song and we had our little intimate slow dance/ grind session and honestly? That was the best first slow dance I'd had in my life <3
After we left he dance and got on the bus to go back home, we locked lips numerous of times. And the last time I kissed him I put all of my feelings I've EVER felt for him into the kiss and I prayed his intuition was open so he could feel it too. That night? Was by far the best night of my life.
The next morning we went to breakfast with Nala and Simba, after wards played a little basketball then got ready back at the dorm. But before I could fully start to get ready, Shadow said he was going to step off. I got pissed because he knew he was on restriction and STILL was going to leave. I wanted to cuss him out but whatever I said He didn't care. He claimed he needed to get money off his card but I knew he was just going to get high and this made me feel horrible. Wasn't I enough to keep him from wanting to smoke all the fucking time? I even quit smoking as much weed because I realized if I go hooked on it again he really woudn't want to be with me. Eventually I gave in, Gave him a kiss and sent him on his way.
I made my way up to my room. What was I going to wear? I wanted to wear something that made him feel like ALL his attention was diverged on me. I wasn't getting the undivided attention from him anymore like I was used to. This made me feel threatened so I sighed and went over to my dress-up clothes. I grinned at my decision and got ready.
After I hopped out the shower I took my time putting on my clothes. I was wearing my Leather tights with a see through satin black buttun up shirt with a black lingerie braw underneath. This was of course visable which gave the illusion like I was thin, and I loved how I looked. My hair was wavy and I put on my casual Blue beany which gave the dressy outfit the statement that even though I looked sexy that I was still me. That was the main reason I wore that hat all the time. But besides this fact I tied my combat boots and made my way down stairs. I waited for my boo to get back and once he did we watched a little TV and he eventually left me to go do his community service, then we eventually went to dinner. I felt sexy, fearless, and completely and utterly invincible. I guess it was the rescae outfit I was wearing. I needed to wear shit like this more often. I usually waited until the summer to wear shit like this but the occasion asked for it.
After dinner we spent quality time and I just felt beautiful mostly the whole day. Everything was lightening up and I was honestly getting used to the idea of us being together. I stopped second guessing him as much but I was still scared almost everyday for what he might do. I don't know. I guess I was just nervous that at anymoment he would say "Oh, I can't do this shit anymore" and just dip because thats what he'd done before. But it was different now. I felt like I could trust him but I prayed to god to not let him dissappoint me because I was letting myself become VERY vulnerable.
At the end of the night we'd ended up cuddling on the floor talking about having a honey moon in England and watched Rush Hour 3. Today was nice, and I prayed that tomorrow would be the same. I gave him a good kiss then went up to my bedroom and fell asleep without a single tear falling from my eyes.
The next morning I had to walk to the cafeteria alone because my hubby was already in there. Breakfast felt dull and I had a feeling like rest of the day would be like that. Well, Little did I know that my day was exactly like that.
Shadow ended up absent-mindedly standing me up. He'd told me he'd text me and I waited for him to text me and even took my sweet time getting ready hoping he'd text me but an hour went by and he didn't text me at all. I hated when he'd do this to me, he made me feel like a lost soul that he'd just pushed to the side. I stalled for a while before losing patience and went downstairs and waited for another 30 minutes. Still, no text no show. I decided to walk to the Rec. Maybe he'd be there. To my dismay I see him walking back with a few boys that were our mutual friends. As soon as we made contact I just blew up. I was hurt , scared, disappointed and didn't know WHAT to think. This all started to look familiar like deja vu and I really didn't want this to be what it was like before. When he began to play me and I was stuck looking stupid. I prayed silently that this wasn't the case. He claimed that I was being crazy and he just ignored me and left me standing on the other side of the street. I tried following after him but once we got inside he disappeared in the back and I waited in the lobby to see him. I felt like he was avoiding me. Okay, he wanted to spend time with his friends, granted but why would he just leave me hanging, getting my hopes up then expect me to understand when he just ditches me? Something inside me was stirring and I felt my intuition trying to tell me something but I couldn't put my finger on it. He came back out and told me he was going with his friends and that he didn't need to be up under me all the time. This hurt my feelings for the fact that he looked at spending time with me alot was "being up under me" This made me want to scream, cry, yell, punch him all in one wave of an emotion.
I Silently wished some of the attributes of Simba could rub off onto Shadow, because honestly Simba treated his girl EXACTLY the way I wanted to be treated. He was territorial, caring and just loved spending time with his girl. Why could Shadow be like this? Wanna know why? PRIDE, ZODIAC SIGN. This made me mad, and I was so lost in thought and my emotions before I knew it, he leaned in and gave me a goodbye kiss. I felt like shit, I was unwanted. I was hurt.
I ran upstairs after he left and let out a quick sob. I cried until I felt like there was no more tears left to cry, Washed my face, did my make up over again and sat next to Butterfinger and talked to him. For some reason I felt like Butterfinger was my personal therapist, and bestfriend. Butterfinger was just so easy to talk to and his humor took the weight off of ANY situation. I explained to him how I felt and he just talked to me and calmed me down. We started talking about baby names and we joked around about ridiculous names and how some of our names that Me and Shadow picked out made our possible son sound like a faggot.
We came up with a million and 1 names as I wrote them down then eventually fell asleep in the chair. I woke up periodically to see if Butterfinger left. He didn't. After what seemed like minutes I opened my eyes and saw someone else sitting there. I began to wonder where ButterFinger went and it bothered me for a second because I loved being around my best friend . I felt like he was my long lost brother, because his caring reminded me of my little brother Heze. I checked my phone and saw That the Shadow said he was coming. I rolled my eyes text back something then went back to sleep. Before I knew it, moments later I saw him in my face and He ushered for us to go sit somewhere else. He wanted to talk by the window.
"Are you mad at me?" He basically asked. I wanted to scream yes, i'm hurt, Im just hurt. But I knew that through his eyes he didn't do anything wrong and that I probably looked like a little baby who was irrationalizing something so I just pushed it aside to cry over later. To dwell on by myself. He wouldn't understand. He didn't understand. He doesn't understand.
"No, It doesn't matter , really. If you want to hang out with your friends its whatever. I don't mind. Like you said We can't be up under eachother ALL the time" I recited. I felt like a parrot just saying this so he could feel fine. But really I didn't like how things were. I wanted him to feel like it was a privelege to be with me all the time. I wanted him to cherish the moments he had with me like Simba did with Nala. I guess at the end of the day we weren't as close as I thought. </3
The day dragged along and we spent time together but there was just an eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach all day. But I shoved it off everytime it came around and kept telling myself to put it in the "cry later" bin in the back of my mind.
Everything for the rest of the day was good, despite the feelings I had. I ignored them pretty well and had fun with my baby. By the end of the night we were all smiles and giggles as we kissed goodnight. I got over my pain throughout the day and found I didn't even need to cry over it later, but I knew it would come up to haunt me the next time he made me feel like shit. But that wasn't the point. Tomorrow was school, the day we figured out if our futures would be intertwined for the next 18+ years. I sighed, said goodnight to my baby, gave him a kiss and made my way up to my bedroom. He fell asleep texting me but it didn't bother me, I needed time to think and analyze things anyways. I stayed up until 2:30 that night just pondering about the future, about myself, about everything really. And that night? When I fell asleep? For the first time I dreampt of nothing but endless ocean waters and endless meadows of lush green beautiful grass and beautiful sunsets. I was happy, but very oddly sad in a very tiny bit of a way. But it was enough to get over.
(Sorry guys this one is going to be UBER short because not much to catch up on.)
So the next day was dull. So theres not much to tell about. Just chillin in the dorm and eventually ended the day. Then the next day everything was pretty kosher. My stomach was in excruciating pain and I felt like I had to be atleast 3 months pregnant but in all reality I was only 3 WEEKS. It was pain that wasn't able to be explained. I spent the day trying to get over the pain by eating hella bananas (which I was also craving) and it just seemed to make the pain worse. My addiction to cigarettes was also on edge. I really was craving them, but once I hit them it was almost as if the fetus was screaming no! and kicking me in my stomach causing me pain. Even though its physically impossible because the fetus wasn't even fully developed, everytime I hit the cigarette I had a stong pain in my lower abdomen.
Shadow seemed to be getting back into his shady days and for some reason I felt like he was distancing himself. I guess it was all because I was in my feelings all day. I'd eventually asked him if he was only with me because I was pregnant.
"Babe, I'm with you for you. I want to be with you, because I want you. The baby adds to it, but other than that, I'm in this for you, us." After he spoke those words it was like a strong painkiller to my vibe. It made me feel better and even though Rogue was in the back of my mind trying to convince me he was just telling me things I just wanted to hear? I just excepted what he had to say because I felt like it was right. I loved how he made me feel, it was different from the first time when he played me. & Honestly if he was playing me now ? (which I highly doubt) that was on him. Being with Shadow, which made me lose my highschool sweetheart back at home? Made me realize you have learn to take risks when your in a relationship. & thats what I was doing with him. I'd give him my all until he proved other wise because it was too much stress in worrying that I didn't want to have to put up with.
I was good with the idea he was mine, and honestly if he was playing me? This love was just a fantasy I was willing to live in, naive and clueless, until he told me other wise. Yes, the risk this is. It was worth it. I had the most amazing person I could see myself with. He made me happy, and made me feel like I could actually ... live. The difference between him and my past couple boyfriends and my lifetime full of girl friends was, he gave me a feeling that was a sence of freedom, a sense of being able to be whoever I wanted to be, which I chose to be me. I really felt safe, beautiful and limitless with him. The sky was the limit and he was my sidekick.
Later that night we'd spent quality time together. The perfect kind of quality time, it just made me more and more excited with him. Everyday seemed like a new page to turn in an amazing novel I liked to call my life and he was just amazing to sum it up. A-mazing. It was perfect, joking around until my stomach hurt from laughing so much, then playfully arguing about little stuff which was irrelevant then cuddling and holding me like I was the only person that mattered to him & I could live with that ^.^
The next morning I woke up extra tired but I got up anyways. Just the idea of seeing him was my main factor of waking up. I met him downstairs and too my surprise he was already down there waiting. It was sweet. He usually slept in then met me at breakfast. After a silent breakfast (because we were both tired) he then walked me to my class, gave me a kiss goodbye then let me wander to my class. I sat there waiting for him to text me when all of a sudden I got an intuition feeling. I had a bad feeling and I began to worry about him. Was he alright? All of a sudden as if on queue he text me. He said he was done and was going to holler at me at break. I felt something faint inside me shatter. I text back quickly saying what did I do? He replied shortly after saying that I was being unfaithful, that I was talking to another boy on campus. I quickly scanned my brain. What was he talking about? I was always about him. It was always about him. I knew this was going to happen soon or later. This scenerio seemed too familiar, just like how everything was perfect the FIRST time and he abruptly out of no where cut things off between us. I wondered silently if this was him, again, letting his guilt get to him about not wanting to be with me.
I knew somewhere deep down inside that he was only with me because of the baby.
I shoved aside the thought and text him back trying to understand what he was talking about. He text back saying that it was because of the conversation I had last night on the phone with the boy "Dominican" that was on campus. I literally jumped back from my phone. THE FUCK? this was a complete story twist that I didn't see coming. Did Shadow REALLY think I was having a secret affair? This made me mad, angry, scared, and pissed off. I didn't even LIKE Dominican. With how long Dominican and I have BOTH been here, if I wanted him I could've had him already, for hes been here just as long as I have. This made my mind twist through a loop. I tried to text back to let him understand the conversation was pointless but he was determinded he knew it all.
My mind scanned through the conversation I'd had with Dominican when he called me the night before but nothing was in our conversation that was big enough for him to trip. We'd talked about me quitting cigarettes because he hated how I smoked cigarettes, and also how he called me and accidentally didn't hang up and left a long voice mail. Other than that? We weren't talking about nothing. It was one of those convos where your on the phone with someone but your still talking to the people your in the room with, completely oblivious to the person you called. I didn't understand how he could be mad. Was I really fucking up because of a dumbass conversation? I was hurt. For the fact he believed that the conversation was more. This made me feel a little closer to Shadow, oddly, because this meant he really cared for me, but I just didn't understand how he could mistake my heart of being in another place other than in his hand. In his control. It wasn't like that, and I really was hurt because this meant that I was losing someone I'd really risked everything for, was pregnant by, and fell in love with.
This was how things ended up. This was what I'd put my everything into, someone who just threw it down the drain at the THOUGHT of something that wasn't there. I kept trying to ease his mind and his often abandoned heart, because of past relationships, to show him that I was different, that I was someone who he could genuinly trust. I felt bad because I've been there. I've been in a relationship where I thought that my significant other was doing me wrong. But I always gave the other person the benefit of the doubt, so I couldn't really relate to how he was feeling.
He just kept texting me back with some bullshit saying I was lying. He swore that I was lying. I couldn't think of anyway to get him to understand that I was telling the truth. I went to break to meet him because he told me that he would talk to me but after walking through his WHOLE building I found he was nowhere to be discovered. I took a last exhale of my cigarette that I shouldn't have been smoking and tossed the butt. Somewhere in the back of my mind Rogue was telling me to give up. I looked up at the heavens and said a silent prayer and walked back to my class. If Shadow was really done over some bullshit, it wasn't worth it. I wanted so badly to cry but something inside was telling me that it wasn't that big of a deal. I couldn't bring myself to cry because it wasn't my fault. There was nothing to cry for. I don't feel bad for myself, I felt bad for him.
Don't feel bad for someone who gave up on you. Feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would've never given up on them.
Moral of the day? Lifes too short to be stressing, so be healthy, and live your life to the fullest. I've learned alot from this boy and one of them is? Live your life while you have it, don't get angry easily because it doesn't help the situation. I learned what it feels like to feel happy, and if he was going to sacrifice our beautiful relationship because of a mere doubt? It was already over before it began. I put in my headphones and just started bumping to "Gone" by Mindless behavior & "You come first" by Jacob Latimore
Gone - "Baby I'm gone, gone, you didn't want me when you had me. Boy I'm gone, Gone, I'm sorry I didn't make you happy, but baby I'm gone."
You come first - " Baby girl, you gone alwaays get everypart of me, nothing else, trust me girl, when it all falls down, we keep it going, can't help it baby, just gotta be unselfish baby, and make sure you come first"
These songs gave me a sence that was saying its okay. If Shadow wasn't going to treat me right that it was okay because there is someone out there who WILL put me first. This song made me feel like there was really nothing to be hurt over, So if he didn't come back? I'm gone. Me and the baby would just have to fend for ourselves. The thought didn't scare me, I just felt bad for the fetus. I wouldn't want Shadow to be with me anyways if it was just to be with the fetus. That wasn't even a good scenario, but I think I was living that scenario, I just didn't know it until now.
I went to lunch feeling a little low. I sat in line but the food made me disgusted so I just got a salad which I didn't even eat. I sat at the table with Butterfinger and waited for him so we could walk back up the hill. I was going to surprise Shadow and talk to him. Even though this whole situation wasn't anything to stress over, I just couldn't stand the idea of him just sitting there being hurt. Even though he came off as angry, anger is a secondary emotion. When your angry it means your either hurt or scared. In this case I'm pretty sure he was both. I really couldn't stand the idea of him being hurt OR scared over something that doesn't need any stress. I still loved him ALOT and since I'm his girl its my resposibility to make sure he's okay no matter what.
After we climbed the hill, I could feel the anxiety eat at my palms. They were sweaty and I had a familiar tingly feeling in the center of my palms. My stomach was doing back flips. I have chronic anxiety so this was eating me alive. I just instinctly worried about EVERYTHING && seeing as I had to approach my love of my life who possibly who probably already gave up on me was scaring me to death. I made my way to his class and stuck my head in there. For some reason I got nervous so when the teacher said "hey" in a friendly manner, Vivian kicked in FULL gear and got scared. I started to power walk down the hall but she called for me to come back.
"Honey, you need something?"
"Yeah, she wants to talk to that one" the girl "Cuddlekin" pointed at Shadow. I call her that because Cuddlekin because she looks so cuddly <3
I felt blood rush to my cheeks in embarrassment. I guess I was standing there clueless because Cuddlekin said: "You can come in, she don't care" She pulled the sleeve of my jacket and shut the door behind me. I swiped my palms against eachother awkardly and slowly made my way over to him. I tried to be casual and pull up a chair but almost tripped, luckily no one was paying attention and I said a silent thanks and sat next to the Shadow. I did my best to explain to him that it was nothing but his look on his face wasn't what I expected. I expected him to hate me, to have a hard expression, to have an expression that just told me he hated me. But instead it was a look that said he was really hurt. This broke me apart even more, to think that my harmless, oblivious actions really hurt him. I swallowed the knot forming in my throat from the verge of bout to cry but I had to show him I was strong. If he saw me crying he would probably think I was a weak individual. I couldn't risk that.
He reluctantly told me he trusted me, even though I knew deep down inside he didn't know what he thought anymore. I knew that he was really doubting things with me, I sensed it, but I knew he also was trying to let me know things were alright... for now. He wasn't going to let this go and it was going to take him time to TRUELY trust me again. I knew this. I felt ashamed of myself for being so stupid. I didn't know how this was my fault but I just knew it was. I didn't want him to hurt, I was supposed to be holding his heart and nurturing it, but instead I got careless and just didn't think straight and made a dumb mistake. God, I felt like a murder. I took a deep breath and attempted to hold his arm but I just felt all types of rejection energy coming from his auro. He was doodling on the mouse pad with a pen and I knew this was a scapegoat for him to not look in my eyes. I tried taking the pen from him but eventually felt bad. I don't know why, I guess because I felt like I'd already harmlessly fucked up and hurt him unintentionally that I was now overly cautious about every move I made, even if it came down to even a pen. I gave it back and let him doodle on the mouse pad.
After getting on good terms with him he walked me back to my trade building and I tried to make random conversation to ease up the tension but even though he was smiling and responding back I knew he was just giving me a reaction that I wanted to see, not what he truely felt. I felt like this was how it was going to be for a while. He was going to hide his true feelings he was JUST getting comfortable enough to show me, now it would probably take FOREVER for him to truely open up again. I knew his type. He was the type to get hurt and vow never to let it get that close again, so despite the fact he said he was okay and that he trusted me, there was an underlining alter-meaning in what he was saying, and little did he know, I could read it.
He kissed me before I went to class and I got the feeling like I was going to feel like shit all day.
The rest of the day was a blurr. We just chilled but it seemed like there was gonna be that wall up ... forever. But luckily rumor was that we had no school for the rest of the week and it was a Wednesday which meant we had like a WHOLE week off of school. This was awesome. This meant I could spend more time with my baby and try to get him to get closer with me. We headed to the dorm after school but he said he was going to step off campus. I wanted to argue but I knew that after today I had no room to argue so I let him go. So I headed to my room to get ready for dinner.
Dinner went well I felt like the space he got from going to the store was what he needed. He was back intact and was back the Shadow that I knew.
I don't know what to say next. Just know that the rest of the day went perfect and there was nothing really to note about it.
The next day we didn't have school due to the snow and it honestly looked like a winter wonderland. We went to breakfast and made plans to play in the snow. On the way back to the dorm to get ready to play in the snow, Shadow told me he was planning to go get high with his fellow friends, and then go play with me afterwards. I felt irritated, but I suspected that it was just the pregnancy hormones so I let it go. I also knew he would do anything he wanted anyways, so I had to let him do what he wanted. So while he left I played in the snow and went sledding down the big hill that the dorm sat on. Everyone was outside having a dorm vs. dorm snow ball fight and it literally looked like a war zone. These people were out of control. It was totally rad. I loved this. I waited for a while and 30-45 minutes went by && he still was not outside. I started to worry, I don't know why. Scenerios of him getting caught started popping up into my head and it started to worry me sick. I texted and called him. No reply. I sighed and kept playing in the snow. After a while I decided to go look for him. I exited out of the back door and wandered to his familiar smoking spot. It was empty. I wrinkled my eyebrows in confusion and went back inside and exited out the front door. Where was he at? Suddenly my sight went off like radar and I saw him smoking a cigarrette in the front, glossy-eyed, looking like he was in a daze. I shook my head and chuckled under my breath and muttered "oh babe" and ran over to him and gave him a kiss. He smiled and looked a little confused.
"I looked for you" I said he smiled and continued to smoke the rest of his cancer stick.
We found a cardboard box that everyone else had abandoned after getting tired of sledding and made our way to another hill by the trade building. We attempted to sled but it wouldn't budge under the light snow so we just tumbled down the hill and laughed out loud in excitement. It was like a scene in a movie. I took a mental recording of everything going on just to savor later about the moment. We quickly got cold and decided to go back to the dorm and clean up for dinner.
After dinner he told me he was going to go spend time with his friends because he had "things to do" this really angered me. Why did he keep leaving? I was afraid this was going to become a habbit. So I tried to fight him on it but he didn't want to hear me. He just told me I needed to "chill" and let him do him because he can't be in a relationship that doesn't allow him to do "him." I felt defeated, I felt weak, and I felt helpless, there was nothing I could say to him to make him stay. I knew it was only going to be a couple hours and that I was going to see him again, its just, I didn't understand why he didn't savor the moments and time that he actually had with me. I didn't like this but he was going to do what he was going to do reguardless so I gave up and threw my hands up in the air (figuretively) and said fuck it. After he left, I began to cry, and just went to my room and slept. I didn't want to be awake, on a gorgeous day like this, without the guy I loved.
After the slumber was over I got up and decided to go look for him. He wasn't really helping me out because he wasn't texting back so I reluctantly had to go find him, if I wanted to spend time with him. Yeah, searching for your boyfriend in like freezing weather and actually be happy with him when you found him? Dedication. (Smh)
I couldn't find him and I started to feel neglected. How could he go this long with out seeing me? If he claimed to care for me just as much as I cared for him how come he could be away from me for so long?
Because, stupid, your more in love with him than he'll ever be - Rogue taunted.
"Shut the fuck up!" I yelled out loud.
A couple had just walked by and looked at me like I was crazy but I really didn't care right now. I was ready to just give up and go in my room, but then a song came on that I was listening to on my phone "Both of us" By Taylor Swift ft. B.o.B and It made me stop and stare at the world around me. It made me think about last night how Shadow and I had taken a detour before we went in for the night and had sat down on the bench at the basketball court all hugged up and watched the beautiful snow flakes fall to the cold earth. I then realized what I was going to do. I made my way to the basketball court, cleared a space on the bench because of all the snow, and sat down and observed the snow. I began to think about my life and how I ended up here. My mind scanned all of the memories I had with my ex-bestfriends who changed once I realized that my life shouldn't be made up of drugs, sex and parties.
After I had been pondering for about an hour and some change I decided to head to the gym which was right across the basketball court. I found Shadow in there playing basketball. I was pretty furious because while he was playing basketball not even thinking about me, I was being sad, sentimental and missing him. I shook my head and climbed the bleachers to wait for him to finish. After a while of watching him I decided to go on the other side of the court and shoot baskets myself with a fellow friend I hadn't spoken to in a minute. Just as I started I noticed Shadow seemed to have noticed I diverged my attention onto something else and he stopped playing. I took this as he wanted to leave, so we did.
There was tension here but we both ignored it and decided to spend the rest of the night with eachother. He was leaving tomorrow to go home for the weekend and I knew we both needed that extra time before he left. Once we got into the dorm it was almost as if he was a new person. He was all lovey dovey and kissy kissy and I loved this. I started to think maybe the spaces away from him was a good little occasion we should have. I like him better this way. It wasn't too long after that he told me he was just high. This shot down my little theory and I tried not to let this anger me. I wanted him to want me. Sober. I wanted him to hold me. Sober. I wanted him to be affectionate. Sober. Because I felt like this was just a Shadow under the influence and it wasn't fair to me that he was being perfect, and it wasn't his clear thought. It was like a tease. I didn't let this phase me though. I soaked in everything he had to tell me through his slurs in his voice and decided to take this to the head. Maybe when he was high we was really hisself, because they always say, influenced thoughts are sober thoughts?
Before we wanted to except it. The night was over and we were farewelling and giving kisses like we weren't going to see eachother again, even though that was only half way true. He was leaving me tomorrow, and not coming back for like 3 days. God the suspence. Haha.
Goodbyes && Un-welcomed Hello's
The next morning we had a quick time together. Let me explain.I waited for him for breakfast, but he was late because he had to pack. We went to breakfast. Then he had to pack. We tried to watch t.v. Then he had to pack. He gave me a shirt he wanted me to wear, the I changed, came downstairs. Then he had to pack. UGHHHH! It was getting on my nerves but I didn't say anything because I knew he'd need to pack because he was leaving in a little bit. Thank the heavens, though, because surprisingly it was sunny outside AND it was Valentines Day. It was perfect. We both were wearing hipster half matching outfits. We both wore bandanas (:
We took some instagram pictures and chilled and joked around and before I knew it, he had to go /: I walked him to the guard shack and said my goodbyes. I tried to give him a meaningful kiss goodbye but he was too in a rush to get off of the job corp campus . I couldn't blame him.
I went to dinner then straight to my room. Other days, somewhere in another life, if I didn't have a babyfather or someone I was head over hills for? I would've turned up, because it was Valentines day and then would've chilled and joked around with random people but that wasn't the case. My baby was gone for the weekend which left me free with too much time on my hands. My roommates pressured me to get out and do something so I signed up for the Movie trip but since the line was too long I ended up not being able to go.
I wanted so badly to go back to the dorm but I decided to keep busy so I didn't become depressed and stay in bed crying over something that in all reality wasn't that big of a deal. Lets just face it. I was a big baby. Deal with it.
I saw Butterfinger playing pool so I decided that he was who I was going to chill with for this little seperation time away from my boo. I played like a million games of pool until I truely couldn't make anymore shots and sat on the sidelines and watched the remaining people in the Rec play whatever they were playing. Soon enough Butterfinger left on the trip and I was alone.
I grabbed a few people to play Poker with and every five seconds I was checking my phone. Shadow hadn't texted me not once and I was starting to feel some type of way. I hated this. Any other time he didn't text back I could just go look for him and tell him that I'd texted him but that wasn't the case. The one boy, "Neutron" I like to call, because he looks like a black version of Jimmy Neutron, kept making slick comments that kept getting to me. It was starting to piss me off. Things like,
"Ma, I don't know why you checking your phone, he cheating on you anyways"
"Girl, while you worrying bout this nigga, he laying in some pussy"
"You needa say fuck that nigga and get you a stick to fuck tonight."
"Ma, Its a nigga mentality, if any nigga was not around his girl? He getting pussy"
I was really doing my best to block out Rogue right now because she was feeling the same way, but Vivian was holding onto the faith that he wasn't doing us wrong. He was just spending time with his family right? Everytime I started thinking positive and start to smile Neutron would come around and say some shit. It wasn't like I could walk away because Him along with two other mutual friends were playing poker with us. This was really fucking with my head. To make matters worse he kept leaning over and stroking my face saying some shit to trying to get me to cheat on Shadow. Okay, Okay I know your thinking "Y'all are not together?" But the fact of the matter is, thats my baby father and reguardless of that fact, he was still mine and he had my heart so I considered myself as TAKEN. He didn't get this point and kept touching me. I started to feel uncomfortable so I pushed all my chips to the middle and lost on purpose so I could leave. Finally after about 30 minutes Shadow ended up texting me. This made all my fears go away. My baby was just spending time with his family, and that was nothing to be scared of. I doubted that he would go all the way home to a family he was missing like crazy just to ditch them to get pussy , when he had this perfectly good person waiting for him to come back to her on campus. Yeah, I was going to go with this good gut feeling.
Neutron started to get on my nerves. We were playing pool and everytime I picked up my phone he was peering over in my phone saying : "Ohh so he decided to text you back huh?" And reguardless of the fact that he'd asked me this EVERYTIME I picked up my phone, and I gave him the same answer EVERYTIME, he still asked me. I just ignored him and kept playing pool trying to diverge the conversation. I picked up my phone to text back and Neutron made up a new excuse :
"Oh is that boyfriend number two?" I finished my text and didn't make eye contact as I made a shot and continued for another ball.
"Nope" I replied. He seemed amused that I'd actually answered one of his million questions having to do with my baby. So he continued.
"Why not?" He tried to shoot a ball but missed. I began my turn and made it.
"Because I'm FAITHFUL" I said the last part slow so that maybe he'd understand this time. He began to say something about how Shadow wasn't faithful to me, but I cut him off.
"I don't care, I'mma be faithful till the day I die." I said. Seemed to shut him up. I Shot the 8 ball and put my pool stick on the table and began to walk back to the dorm. Neutron decided to follow since we both had to go the same way. Once we hit the fork in the concrete I gave him a limp hug and walked to the dorm. I didn't know how tomorrow was going to play out. 1) I had someone who was obsessed with me, or atleast wanted to fuck me 2) I was missing my baby and there was nothing to do. 3) I had a WHOLE day ahead of this tomorrow. I hated free time. I never realize this until now.
I texted Shadow for about 2 minutes before the silence from his end started again. Out of today? I'd texted him probably like 7 times. Thats it. I sighed and burried my head in the pillow and fell asleep.
The next morning I said fuck breakfast and slept into 1 pm. I decided today I was going to stay in the bed ALL day. Shadow wasn't here , and he was the only person I was ever concerned on spending time. There was nothing on campus for me to do so there was no point of me going outside. To my surprise Shadow called me and we talked on the phone for about an hour, I even got to talk to his mom who was excited to meeting me, she said, and then Shadow had things to do so I let him go.
Great. Today was going to be BORING.
After laying in bed for about 4 hours dinner came by and I'd taken a shower and freshened up. I was planning on going to Dave and Busters with a boy on campus I call my brother. He was a family friend and knew me since before we BOTH could talk. I needed to spend more time with him because I hadn't even attempted to in a long time. But once again, The list was too long and I just told him to go along without me. Once again, I was stuck in the Rec bored. I played pool with Butterfinger and spent the rest of the day with him. Neutron kept popping up and bothering me but I'd gotten good at literally ignoring him. It wasn't that I didn't like him, he was a cool dude, but I knew his intentions and by me knowing his intentions and saying we could still be friends? Was a no-no. Shadow wouldn't like that and I had ALL respect for him even when he wasn't here.
The rest of the night was dull && I quickly went to bed because tomorrow morning was the when Shadow came back. I couldn't wait to hold him close.
"Baby I'm back!!" I read in a text. I was so excited I could run downstairs and give him a huge kiss, but I'd just woken up. I decided to quickly freshen up. I wanted to look beautiful. He hadn't seen me in 2 1/2 days and for the past couple days? honestly, I'd let myself go. So i jumped in the shower and got all prettied up. I ran downstairs and gave him a spiderman kiss. He was sitting in the chair so I had to tilt his head back and kiss him like that. Spiderman kiss. I walked around the row of chairs and sat next to him. Now when I say he looked SEXY?! that was an understatement. HE LOOKED FUCKING GORGEOUSLY, AMAZINGLY, SEXIFIED! He'd gotten an edge up and was wearing a new outfit. God my baby looked too good. I blushed and was lost for words. He interuppted me and place a big red gift bag in my lap. I grinned at him and I knew it was my Valentines Day gifts. I Reached in the bag and pulled out a stuffed zebra that sang "I'm sexy and I know it" when you pushed the button in the paw. THIS WAS TOO DOPE. I laughed because my baby knew me too well. There was a big heart shaped narrow tin of a dozen chocolates and a pack of Newport Ciggarettes along with these little smoking pieces that take the tar out of the cigarrettes when you smoked them. This made me too happy. Shadow HATED me smoking but he knew it was my fatal flaw and he still did his best to support and help my habbit. I leaned in and kissed him giving him the biggest kiss I could. He smiled and blushed. Today was going to be perfect.
We ate breakfast then headed back to the dorm. Shadow fell asleep but I let him sleep because he had to wake up at 4 am just to get here in time for the morning. I loved him for this. I held him and caressed him. He was nestled in the crook of my arm and I could tell he missed me too.
After about 2 hours he woke up and we cuddled in one chair. The time apart really made him care for me more & I could see this. He later told me he was going to go smoke with some of his friends. I was too happy he was back to argue. Half of me wanted to smoke too but I didn't know if that was smart seeing as I had another life to watch after in my lower stomach.
After he got done smoking we made our way to the Rec to play pool before dinner. On the way there I planned on telling him about Neutron because I thought he ought to know but he beat me to the chase. He told me that people were telling him that I was all in nigga's faces and shit. This angered me. WHEN WAS I EVER INTERACTING WITH ANYONE ? on some happy shit? I explained to him the whole Neutron situation and he gratefully believed me. I was nervous this would turn into another situation like we'd just had with the boy Dominican. But I think Shadow learned he could trust me. This made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
The whole time while we were in the Rec, Neutron kept staring at us and Shadow was completely all over me and this made me feel, wanted. I knew Shadow was trying to send Neutron a message saying "She's mine" and I loved this. I loved the idea that Shadow was feeling territorial and it was like I was seeing another new side of my baby. This side I loved the best because it seemed more like him. We both laughed at the idea that Neutron looked pissed and I decided to be all over Shadow too, so Neutron wouldn't come by later and say "I saw, you don't want him" bullshit. I wanted him to know I ADORED Shadow.
Soon enough it was dinner time, which we both crushed, then made our way to the dorm. We chilled and attempted to watch a movie but I think it was love in the air because we were making out/ french kissing, tongue and all, getting heated and grabbing eachothers faces getting really passionate. Ever since Shadow came back everything has been like this all day. Shadow was showing me way more affection, not caring WHERE we were at that waking moment, and this was the most passion the both of us have ever encountered with eachother. Little things were getting to me making me feel like I was falling in love over and over again, such as little whispering between kisses saying "I missed you" & "Baby."
This? By far, was and still is the best memory the Shadow and I had.
I was beginning to feel like Shadow wasn't so much of a shadow to me anymore, he wasn't someone I "used to know" because honestly? back then, I didn't know him like I knew him now. I always knew that this was the person I was loving, but I felt like, at that time, the person I was seeing now, was something I wouldn't see for a while. At that time when he played me so long ago, wasn't Shadow. In all honesty I don't think Shadow even knew HE was inside.
Now? I didn't see Shadow as a shadow. Now I saw him as "Prestine". Clear, and pure.
"Prestine" and I were so engaged in our kisses and affection dialect, && I wondered if he felt like the world around us had stopped too. I wondered if he felt like we were the only ones in the world at this moment too. Passionate kissing turned into, lust. Not the dirty, sinful lust. But the "I love you so much, that I want to show you" Lust. We kept stopping to cool down, just to engage back into the heat. Finally we decided that it was time.
5 minutes later I was in his room, swirling tongues with him, sitting on his sink as he unbuttoned his pants. I quickly got undressed, and he started the shower. Yes, this was about to get real. Even though we couldn't fuck on his bed , I think that our relationship had progressed to the point where we could step up our intimate life. He was the only person I truely felt comfortable with, completley nude. At first when we first started having an intimate relationship, I'd always cover myself until he was ontop, so he couldn't see me. But this time was different. I jumped in the shower, where he met me. I didn't want to face him at first but once his soft, velvet hands caressed my sides, I turned around and we engaged back into our kissing. But these kisses were different. These were light, yet meaningful kisses. Half of them meant "I'm going to fuck the SHIT out of you" But the other half meant "I'm going to give my all to you, please give me your all." I took in every emotion I was feeling.
Once he started to "love" me I had a wave emotions honestly, unexplainable. Just imagine, losing someone so close to you, there was no space to measure. Imagine the pain, hurt, agony and fear, all being taken away in one exhale. The feeling of having that person approach you and pull you close and reconnect the space between you, and knowing that this time they'll never leave again. Thats what it felt like. I felt like I was truely being completed, there was no scars anymore, there was no hurt. This was real, he was mine. I was his. With every stroke, coming closer to climaxing, I felt like I was coming closer to feeling him in the spot in my heart where he belonged.
I don't know whether it was "making love" because I'm sure he was just "having sex" but just to feel that chemistry is a gift. Even if don't last forever? I thanked god for letting me experience what it feels like to have someone like him in my life.
It ended, and I rushed to get dressed, because one of the Dorm Leaders was doing room checks. Its so ironic. For some reason, as sneaky as Prestine and I try to be, somehow the whole dorm knows I'm in his room, everytime. I quickly got dressed, gave him a passionate kiss and jumped out the window.
After Prestine met me back in the lobby and we had a ciggarrette break (which by the way is THE BEST after sex) we went back in the dorm. We chilled with Butterfinger, and alot of other people. After joking around and being bored we decided to do a Ouija board. I know your thinking (this bitch crazy) but its not as bad as you think. JUST AS LONG! as you don't keep fucking with them and don't get obsessed and over rationalize things, you'll be kosher (;
We fucked with Ouija board alot. I had about 20 session's with various people trying to test the theory if it was real. Each session that went by made me feel weaker and weaker. I started to feel odd and not like myself, I couldn't hear Rogue speak anymore, and I wondered if she was still there. I took a break and in my mind I was trying to contact her. Suddenly I realized. Rogue was gone. She wasn't in my mind, my body, my anything. I felt Oddly empty and ... alone. I felt like, I was 100% Vivian and this made me feel, awkward. I felt light headed because it felt like I was naked. It felt like I was missing something.
Soon enough towards the end of the us playing with the board, I got a weird thought that popped in my head. First of all it felt fucking weird because I never thought I could get actual... well thoughts. I was so used to Rogue telling them to me, or giving them to me. So to feel me think for myself or have an actual come to me, by itself felt foreign and uncomfortable to me. I felt like I wasn't done with the Ouija Board. I felt like there was something Prestine and I needed to find out. I eventually talked him into doing it once more. We summoned Ouija 3 times circling the plachette in the center of the board. I continued the routine, asking if there was a presence here with us. I asked if it was a good spirit. Luckily it replied "Yes" as the plachette traveled to the edge of the board. We asked its age and it traveled to zero. I got a tingling sensation in my palms, center of my chest and a growing pain in the lower region of my stomach. Prestine and I looked confused.
"Have you been born yet?" We asked. The plachette traveled to "NO." Suddenly I got an excruciating pain in my stomach and a driving pain up my "area." I looked up at Prestine with hoping eyes, we both knew who this was.
"Whats your name?" We asked in unison. Quickly the plachette maneuvered its way around the board. This spirit was stronger and Prestine and I felt that from our finger tips to the plachette to the board, it was all connected. The plachette spelled out: J-E-S-A-I.
Prestine and I both cried out in surprise and Prestine started to tear up, as it continued to spell its last name. Jesai is the name Prestine and I picked out if we were having a boy. This was the most happiness I'd ever felt. Prestine was in tears and laughing and smiling all in one.
"Whipe my eyes bro" Prestine said cutely to Butterfinger who also knew who this was, (of course we told him) He was laughing in happiness and disbelief too.
We continued to ask it as many questions as we could. My stomach was in pure pain, but I was ignoring this, because I was amazed, and almost couldn't believe this was really my own son. We were having a son. I held back the tears. One of us had to be strong. & Since he was already crying, I had no choice. Jesai answered our questions saying that he wanted me to quit cigarettes because I was hurting him. (Your hurting me" he spelled out.) He began to tell me that Prestine had a problem with flirting. This made me pissed and I almost took my fingers off the plachette but I knew that I needed to talk to my son. He meant that much. I asked Jesai if I should stay faithful to him, through the tears I was trying to hide. Jesai spelled out "He loves you mom" I drew back in surprise. Prestine never told me he loved me because He said he wanted to mean it, and just to see this, made me want to cry in happiness. Prestine started to tear up and I knew this was real. He loved me. I knew it.
He also claimed that he didn't think we'd be good parents. This was something I couldn't understand.
"You think I'm a good mom?" I asked, The plachette moved to "No" I looked up at Prestine who was looking at me confused.
"What about me? You think I'll be a good father?" He asked smiling, but once again the plachette moved to "no." We sat their in silence. We tried asking another question but the plachette wasn't moving.
"Jesai?" Prestine asked, half whispering. I could tell he was hurt, he didn't want him to go, neither did I. Suddenly the biggest pain I've ever felt filled my whole bottom region and I cried out in pain.
"Whats wrong?" Prestine panicked. I told him it was just the pain. Butterfinger was looking like this was a sign of something. We changed the subject and tried asking different questions, and it took a while but finally Jesai regained energy and kept talking to us. Finally, he spelled out S-T-O-P and we knew we had to let Jesai go. He wasn't even born yet and he'd used so much energy. We said our goodbyes and embraced eachother. We were both happy, excited, feeling blessed, and closer than ever. Prestine held me close and just held me there. It was time to go to bed and He gave me a kiss, i could felt he really meant and held me close.
"I love you" He said clear and audible. I closed my eyes in ecstacy. He said it. He meant it. I wanted to cry. This was like hearing a choir of angels singing to me. I was too happy.
"I love you too"
And that night? I fell asleep with the best feeling in the world. I was in love and for once? Someone loved me back. Not just "someone" but the one person I swore i would never love again. The one person who made me feel weak in the knees, the one person who i trusted. The one person that made me speechless.
Taking it day by day.
So honestly? For the next few days? Everything seemed... Well, perfect for once. I know that sounds a little bit overrated and I'm exaggerating things but, really? Prestine has changed. He wasn't the arrogant, ruthless bastard I grew to find out to be, he actually was very sweet, tender and sentimental. I feel like a lot of people only saw the ruthless side of him because he had that wall up.
Sadly? The first time we dated I'd mistaken myself for being that one person who actually was able to see through him. Really it was all a decoy. Others would say I was crazy for going back, but honestly I saw through the obvious. The average person would take the bullshit and say "fuck that, fuck him" and storm off and leave && honestly, I feel like this was all Prestine was used to. To feel someone actually love him? honestly scared him away the first time, because he didn't know how to react. So when things blew up in his face and things ended we kept our distance and from his vision he knew I had this fucked up idea of the person I "thought" he was. See and this is where it gets a little difficult to understand.
Honestly, I think that the only reason why Prestine was okay with idea that I was left with the impression he was a fucked up person, was because he was honestly scared. He didn't know how to really love, because he was never truely loved. Get it? So thats where the wall comes up. The whole time I was thinking I got to know him the first time and that I got to see how he really was, I truely didn't. It was all a front. Not because he was a fucked up person, but because of the side I know of him now. He was a really, soft, caring person, and just the idea of love scared him.
I learned not to hold a grudge against him because I realized that love IS a scary thing. Love is pain, happiness, confusion and unexplainable. Such a foreign element the advanced human society can't even define. An aliennated feeling.
This is why I've truely fallen for him, because I understand him, and I was going to teach him to understand what love is. Its not something to be scared of, its not something to run away from. Its something to cherrish, something to savor because love is rare.
People throw around the word "love" too much without honestly thinking about how precious and intricate it really is. Alot of people mistake the feeling of "love" or being "in love" for lust, obsession, or desire. Then the other half of people just throw it around because it only sounds right at the moment. Only a small percentage of people have actually truely felt the unexplainable feeling of love, & an only a few out of that small percentage? Have actually made it last.
People fall in and out of love every day, & some are so overwhelmed by it they do irrational things that they end up dead or completely heartless.
So honestly? Those that actually live to make love last? are fighters.
Love is war, and Its a matter of where your state of mind is at and how strong a person is to actually make Love actually work.
Everything was going perfect and everday was just a new adventure. I felt like we were growing as one and at this point we were bulletproof. This boy was no longer a boy he was a man. I believed it was honestly impossible for me to fall any deeper in love with him than I already was, but everyday he proved the "impossible" to be possible and somehow, by the grace of god, I, Vivian Rogue was falling, inevitably in love with him.
The greatest feeling in the world? Is to KNOW, not think, but to KNOW that the one person that you feel you couldn't possible love anymore than already do, is feeling the EXACT same way, what if more.
We found ourselves, losing time, just gazing into eachothers eyes. It wasn't just me this time. It wasn't like the first time where I would find myself lost in his jungle of a soul in his eyes and then be embarassed because I was found guilty of staring. No, it was nothing like that.
There could be a song that we'd be listening to, sharing headphones and all of a sudden I'd feel a spark and I'd involuntarily be sucked in by his soul's black hole and after seeing everything I needed, I wanted, and that I yearned for in his eyes, I'd realize that I wasn't the only one staring. Prestine would be staring right back at me because he'd just get done looking into my eyes too. The best feeling is to know that everything I saw that I wanted, yearned for and needed, was all mine. It was over. There was no wishful thinking, no hoping and wasted tears. He was all mine, & to know he loved me the exact same way, made me feel like the world was just a big dream and I'd wake up any second.
I loved the feeling of honestly wondering if Prestine loved me more than I loved him? I thought I'd be impossible, but actions do speak louder than words and he was showing me nothing but pure love and affection.
I felt like Prestine and I hit the point in life where, we'd grown up in the same world where love was such a foreign object and that now that we'd finally had it we had nothing to do but to run with it. To get on our feet, and fully sprint, side by side & that we'd never run out of breath, or get tired. It felt like it was us against the world now, us against time, us against every living element and that we were racing against the wind because we were at a state where I felt like nothing could touch us, to grab hold of us to stay stationary. That now? Our life had just begun and we had nothing to left to do but to run chasing after whatever we wanted together.
So everytime I was sucked into his soul by those beautiful big galaxy of eyes? I'd see stars and nothing but us just running, smiling, laughing, wind blowing. Prestine & I had something that people wait there whole life to find & we were fortunate to have this gift of time. To find something so precious as a pearl would be in the mouth of a clam in the middle of Atlantic Ocean. Were so young & gifted and all we have left is the REST OF OUR LIVES, the gift of time.
So yesturday, Prestine got in his trade. Finally.
Here at Job Corp? There really unprofessional. Well, I'm not sure about all the OTHER Job Corps but this one here? Is. Prestine had been waiting for almost 3 months to get into his trade and that whole time he was really not doing anything. Just sitting in an overflow class, with the rest of the other people waiting to get into their trade, not doing anything. So when I got the text from him that he'd gotten in his trade I was excited for him. It was really just a bitter sweet moment.
Not to be selfish? But I was just a little bitter because 3 reasons.
1. I wouldn't be able to see him as often as I used to ( Lunch, In between classes, Break, Etc.)
2. He wouldn't be able to text me as much anymore
3. Culinary is a 6-8 month trade, so he was most likely going to finish before me.
Insecurity Moment #1
I didn't any of the three things to happen but all of the pros out-weighed the cons so I had to be excited for my baby.
After the day was over and I met up with him, he seemed ... different.
Usually, when he was on his OLD scheduel and got to see me at break between classes he'd be so excited to see me as if he hadn't seen me in a year. He'd be all over me saying he missed me, as we exchanged kisses and those three amazing words and would go back to class.
But this was different. I really thought that if he hadn't seen me all day he'd be like stupid excited, overlly enthusiastic and would go on and on about his trade, but no. When he saw me he had his regular straight face as if we'd been around eachother forever and just acted ... too normal. (If thats understandable). I felt like he was acting distant and this started to worry me.
I wanted so badly to be like "Baaabbyyy" and jump on him and smother him with kisses, but I didn't and I wasn't going to. I'd been in too many relationships where I was ALWAYS the one doing everything first, and I wasn't about to let him take advantage of that. (Not that he would.)
I just decided to wallow in my self pity and treat him the EXACT way.
He eventually cracked and pulled me close and asked what was wrong. I could tell he really was concerned but I wasn't about to tell him. He'd JUST cracked and was giving me the attention I wanted. Maybe if i kept it descreet he would just let it roll of his shoulder and be all over me again. But that wasn't the case.
When we got into the dorm he had a whole persona change and I felt like now there was something really wrong with him. I let out an annoyed exhale.
"Baby, whats wrong with you? Like what's your problem" I asked. The last part came out like I was coming on too strong and I hoped for goddsake he didn't take it the wrong way. Luckily he didn't. He had his hand supporting his head as his fingers covered across his eyes.
"I just know theres something bothering you, and its bothering me because I care for you" He explained. I wanted so badly to be like : "awwwwww" and grab his face and kiss him, but I didn't because that feeling was immediately accompanied by the feeling of guilt. Why the fuck was I so selfish? Maybe there really wasn't anything wrong with him, I'm just expecting too much. I kept telling him there was really nothing wrong with me but I could tell he could read right through my lies. After stirring in my own boiling pot of guilt for a couple minutes I finally cracked and told him my problem. With every word I said, he looked confused and hurt that I'd even think this. Which was exactly what he was thinking because he told me that he was just tired and that, he was just acting like that because I was, the whole time.
I felt stupid so I let it go, but I knew he wouldn't let it go.
Insecurity Moment #2
Later after we met up to go to dinner I was feeling confident. I was looking cute and I felt beautiful. The only problem I was having? Was the fact that someone had told me Prestine was sitting and talking to the Witch ALL class. I was so irritated at this idea, because she'd already tried to still him when wasn't mine, and now that he is mine it pissed me off to the point where I'd thought of ways of approaching her without me stealing off completely. I wasn't the type to talk, just to beat your ass if you overstepped boundaries. & This DEFINATELY was a boundary, thick as hell.
I was hurt & scared on the other side of my heart because I felt like Prestine should've known better not to talk to her in the first place knowing how I feel about her. I knew that He really loved me but I was still ... well insecure. I was terrified of being in love, and I was terrified of losing the person that I was in love with, to someone else. I didnt' want anyother person taking my spot in his heart and this was really a shocker to me. How could he? Why would she? What the fuck were THEY both thinking?
I sat Prestine down at dinner to talk to him about it but I felt like with every word I said, it sounded dumber and dumber and my mouth was getting dryer and dryer. There was no conquering this situation with him REALLY truely understanding me.
Yet, he told me he did understand me and that he wasn't going to find himself in that situation again. I just decided to take his word for what it was worth and just push aside my insecurities even though they were going to come back up at night time.
I let him baby me for the rest of the day but in the back of my mind I was constantly worrying about this.
I was in-love, in-secure, and impossible. I felt like maybe my emotions were eating me alive a little too much for my own good.
UPDATE: Long time NO talk?
So honestly? Right now I know your ready to strengle me. I haven't let you guys inside my life in about a month right? Yeah. I'm pretty sure its been a month.
Honestly? I've been up and down with my emotions and life. Lately Prestine and I have been lost in eachothers eyes and conversations that take us to the moon and back. We've gotten to the point now where he's completely perfect for me. He aids my everyneed and we've basically become the couple that we both invisioned for us. We've made plans to go to the doctor to check up on the baby to make sure everything is going okay in there.
Lately I've been throwing up when I'm really not supposed to and my stomach has been fluctuating. This has been scaring me so I talked to my roommate last night about it and she told me that I shouldn't be going through this during my early stages of my pregnancy.
I'm only 1 1/2 months along and I'm already discovering miscarraige symptoms. I took all this in together and layed on my bed and tried to stifle my tears but the truth was I wanted to scream out in pain and disappoinment. I was so broken because I didn't want to feel this way. I felt weak because my body wasn't good enough to hold a child and it shouldn't be this way. Everything was perfect and honestly the thought of losing the baby meant two of three things.
I was going to lose a beautiful creation that me and the one person that I found I was madly deeply and crazy in love with. And two? Even though Prestine and I were a centimeter away from being perfect? I still had a doubt in the back of my stomach that maybe he was with me just because of the baby. Now let me straighten this out before you jump to conclusions. I'm not trying to tie him down. I'd rather him be a dead beat father than me tie him down because thats just wrong. Even though you already know HOW much I loved this kid BEFORE I knew I was pregnant I just thought I'd throw that out there just so I could shew away any thoughts that came to your head like that.
I was honestly worried that if I did have a miscarraige it was goodbye Prestine and Hello Misery .-.
I ended up crying myself to sleep last night to nothing but thoughts of worry and fear in my mind which ended up leaving me with nightmares which helped me wake up this morning.
I woke up this morning with a feeling of numbness. Usually when I cry the night before I'd wake up with still about a pound of feelings I felt like I still needed to cry out but for some reason I woke up with feeling numb. I peered out the window to a grey sky and a ground that looked like frosty the snow man threw up all over the place. I smerked at my retarted thoughts, conviced myself I must still be asleep and got up to start my shower. I couldn't help but keep thinking about my stomach and my baby. My mind went from the symptoms to the baby to Prestine back to the baby. I just couldn't get my mind off this and it was making me feel nauseas. I had to jump in the shower and wash my face to wash away the thoughts.
I washed my feelings of hurt away in the shower and relaxed to the sounds of "A Womens Worth" by Alicia Keys and let my muscles relax realizing that in the long run everything was going to be okay.
I got dressed trying to keep my mind clear and kept thinking about positive things about Prestine. This technique seemed to work as I grabbed my keys turned off my head lamp light and headed out the door. I met him downstairs and rushed in to give him that familiar warm welcoming morning hug that made me feel so safe. It made me feel like all the thoughts that I had thought about the night before no matter what they were, would go away. It made me feel like I was being comforted after a nightmare. It reminded me of when I was like 3 years old, and due to a neglective mother, I would wake up downstairs on the couch (Because my parents never let me sleep with them) and I'd run up stairs and if I was lucky enough my mother would already be awake and I'd go and have her hold me. That feeling is what I felt like now. I savoured the feeling because unlike back then I couldn't just have him hold me all day like I would make my mother do because she'd made me sleep on the couch. Now I was older and I had to suck it up and act like a grownup. Despite the fact I had to grow up, I held on to his hand and was satisfied.
We headed out to breakfast and the morning started off well.
Now things started to warp as minutes went by. I don't know if you remember her, but Tubbie came up to our table and told Prestine he needed to hurry up and eat because Chef needed his help in the kitchen. My bagel all of a sudden tasted stale and my bacon tasted like rubber. I was pissed off and hurt. Why is it that when I start getting really comfortable with people they always tend to leave? Reguardless of the fact that this was a training day is it so bad that I just wanted someone who just wants to go out and cherrish time for when we have it? Because if you think about it do this experiment real quick ..
Close your eyes for 2 minutes and think about all the things in life you want to do. Go ahead! get your timer out and do it ...
Now think of this. All those things you thought about in two minutes was alot huh ? Now think about this. Those two minutes you spent thinking about what you wanted to do? Were wasted. If you really think about it, you WILL NEVER HAVE THOSE TWO MINUTES BACK! Ever. Its gone forever and you'll never have it back.
Thats how precious time is. I feel like were going around wasting too much time thinking about all the things we could achieve but were merely wasting time just thinking about it and not making anything happen.
I felt like I was merely just thinking about all the things Prestine and I had to do in our life time together but people keep intervening and taking him away. It hurt but I just learned to suck it up. I was never going to be able to have EXACTLY what I wanted all the time so I just learned to deal with it.
I guess all my little irritations were started to build up, and by the time we left the wellness center from up the hill we were in a full blown arguement. I wanted to break down but he wasn't saying anything to me. The one thing I hated about our arguements is they never seemed like arguements. It seemed more like a confrontation rather than a conversation. I was the only one speaking and he was always quiet because he refused to argue back. Now don't get me wrong I dont want him to argue back with me but I just want him to answer to me, and the way he was, he doesn't answer back at all. So this made me feel like I was the only one talking.
He made me feel like he didn't care about me and that I was just talking myself.
We got to the front of the gym because we had a business meeting and that meant that everyone on campus had to attend it. All teachers students and staff. Due to the snow and cold weather everyone was inside so I was trying to sum up everything outside. I was trying to come to a closure so we could be on good terms when we went inside. But it got to the point where since I was getting irritated because of his deilibrate silence that I started to raise my voice. He just turned to me and gave me a disgusted look and said
"Man Shut the Fuck up" I gasped at his words. What? Why was he being so rude? Why was he being so hurtful , so mean? First he just ignores me when I'm trying to talk to him, then he wants to say Shut the fuck up? This hurt alot. Like seriously.
I stifled the hurt and tried not to cry. In this relationship, I did a little less crying then the first time we dated. As we sat in the business meeting I began to ask him questions so that he would answer me back so I could get on the same page he was on and what was on his mind.
Once I got to the important questions I realized I shouldn't have said anything. I was irritating him and obviously anything that came out of my mouth was making him even more mad. It blew up to the point where he was telling me he didn't want to be with me, and only wanted to be there for the kid.
I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I wanted to scream my lungs out in pain and hurt, but I couldn't. We were in a business meeting and I was limited to how much noise I could make. The words felt like hot iron melting off my skin. It hurt too much and to not be able to scream out in pain or get away, being confined in one spot was like torture. Thanks to the gods above the Staff released us about 2 minutes later and I stormed out. I needed air. I couldn't fucking breathe, I couldn't think and I was hypervenilating. Prestine followed behind me and tried to get me to calm down but I didn't want to hear anything. Despite the fact he didn't mean what he said I didn't care. It hurt and I just didn't give a fuck about anything after he had expressed his angry thoughts.
After yelling back and forth behind my tears Prestine started to cry too. I could tell he was hurt and it wasn't like a "I scrapped my knee" hurt, it was a "I feel like shit and I feel like I'm bout to die" cry and deep inside Rogue was gaping at him. She'd never seen him so hurt before, nor has she ever seen him show so much emotion toward me. Prestine started to walk away , I guessed because he didn't want me to see him cry, but I saw him duck over in pain as he cried aloud and I realized this was real. This was Prestine, hurt.
I sat there in pain just watching him hurt and I felt like my feet were glued to the ground. I wanted to run after him but I felt like I would be wrong for running after the one person who seemed to keep hurting me over and over again.
Why did I keep doing this to myself? Was it the fact that I was just deeply, crazy in love with him? Or was it the fact that I wanted him to love me just the same what if more? I was lost in the idea that things were too good to be true, and I was blinded by the reality that things were nothing like they seemed.
Prestine wasn't in love with me, and He was hurting for that. I was hurting for that. I told him that maybe it would be better if we weren't together. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth but it was later I realized it wasn't me saying this. This was Rogue. Vivian loved him too much but Rogue was fed up with being hurt. Like an abandoned child, Prestine, through his puffy sad wet eyes, whimpered for me to stay. That he couldn't except the fact that he'd be without me. I broke down and started to cry like a baby when I realized, Prestine actually really loves me.
Fuck the fact that he wasn't IN love with me, Prestine cared for me ALOT to the point where it hurt him every time he made a little mistake and I felt like, even though he wasn't perfect, he was striving to be. Even though he didn't do everything I wanted from him, he did everything I NEEDED of him. & If he the man that was going to strive to meet perfection just to make me happy, just to get closer because he WANTED to know what love was? He was perfect for me.
He was the man of my soul & I never wanted to lose him.
I whimpered like a 3 year old and rushed into his arms and held him close and started to ball.
"Baby please don't leave me I love you too much. I don't want you to leave my life like everyone else" I cried, hardly audible since my mouth was muffled by his sweater. Prestine balled and held my head and stroked my hair crying JUST as hard as I was. Speaking in between his cries saying : "Oh baby! I love you, I love you so much, I'm never going to leave you. I'm not going anywhere" He was holding me tightly and slightly swaying from side to side. I could feel his abs flexing underneath his sweater as he was crying harder and harder.
I kept crying because I could feel he meant it. I could feel that he really loved me, and that it didn't matter if he wasn't in love with me. It didn't matter that he wasn't completely on the same page as I was. The only thing that mattered was that he cared, and he cared so much that it hurt him to even displease me a little. This boy loved me and it was okay that he wasn't in love with me yet, the only thing that matters is that he was falling, & I realized he was just in the midst of the air and it was my initiative to catch him. <3
The cold hard truth
So lets catch up shall we?
Everything was going perfectly fine, Everyday my stomach has gotten bigger and bigger although I'm still in my first trimester (there are three trimesters in a pregnancy) & Prestine has been everr so comforting.. It seems like for almost a while I got used to the idea he was here I didn't realize how much he's matured and really taken the responsibility as a father. Yet everyday, no matter what the problem is, Prestine will come to my beckon and call whenever somethings wrong and the chemistry between us couldn't be anybetter.
I spent most of this day just lolly-gagging in class not really doing much, just trying to let time pass by a little faster so I could see my baby after class. I really wanted him to rub my tummy and hold me close but at this rate, by the time I get outta class Imma have grey hair.
I'd already had lunch with my baby, (what a pleasant surprise?) and we discussed the wedding dresses I picked out online. He seemed really intrigued by the idea & for once I felt like my life was going in the right direction. We had an apartment we were going to move into with my mother, we were planning to get married, then have our baby.
My little fairy tale of a life? was getting perfect. I just couldn't wait for the "And they lived happily ever after" part.
My teacher released us and I raced down the hill, well as fast as my fat-ass could take me, and waited for my baby outside his class. I sat on the bench and just pondered on how the day seemed to have gone by so slow but in all reality it went by rather fast. I was already sitting on the bench waiting for him to come out. Suddenly, Gamer came running, literally full sprint, running towards me as soon as the Culinary door swung open and I didn't know if I should duck or stay still. But he slowed down faster than I thought he would.
"Oh, Damn, I thought that" he pointed to the Lollipop in my mouth, "was a cigarette, I was boutta say : your my new bestfriend. Haha" I laughed along with him, at just the thought he just fully sprinted for a cigarette. Soon enough Prestine emerged from the open door and made his way over to me. I quickly got up and gave him a welcoming hug and kiss. I missed this man ALL day & now? I got to spend the rest of the day with him.
We made our way back to the dorm and made small talk, conversing about our day and training in our classes and what had gone on. We exchanged simple rumors kissed alittle then split our seperate ways so we could get ready for the day, seeing that we were still in uniform. He told me he was going to get a haircut while I got ready && I told him just to meet me downstairs for dinner.
Dinner came along and after descending the stairs Prestine gave me a look that told me he thought I was beautiful. I loved it. He quickly frowned when he realized that he was wearing lounge-wear and I was wearing an outfit that he claimed made me look "innocent" despite the fact I was showing two inches of cleavage. He insisted on going to change so I waited for him.
After he got dressed we headed to the cafeteria to eat dinner.
Sitting at our familiar two seater table next to the window, we made little talk, joking around until something, feeling like my gut or intuition, started forming a knot in my stomach. I sat there trying to figure what it was. Prestine was eating dinner with me so I know he wasn't doing anything, and everyone else I cared about dear to me, wasn't even here or close to this campus so what was this feeling?
I sat there trying to ponder on what was going on, until the thought literally popped in my head and I heard my intuition demand me to ask. I was thinking this was a dumbass question because I knew the answer but I still considered it. The voice of my intuition came louder almost yelling at me, until I had no choice but to ask. At this point my boyfriend was looking at me with skeptical eyes wondering what I was thinking about. This was my chance, I had his attention. "ASK HIM!" my intution pushed.
"Baby, your not just with me because you don't want to hurt me right?" I asked. He hesitated, and gave me a look that said, "fuck i've been caught" and this scared the shit out of me. This wasn't what I was expecting.
"Hello? Your not just with me because you don't want to hurt me ... right?.. RIGHT?" I started to panic but he kept giving me that deers with headlights look. I didn't know if he was thinking about it or if he already knew he just didn't want to say anything.
"Baby?" I tried then turned towards the window. I couldn't help but feel the feeling of pain. I felt like my whole world had came crashing down and I was the only one who was on that planet. This hurt too fucking much. Why was this happening? I thought he loved me? I thought he was perfect? we had everything going for us and this comes crashing down. I couldn't help but feel inevitable. The feeling of being broken. This my friend was the first time I got my heart TRUELY broken. I was deeply madly in love with this man, was going to have OUR baby, and now going to have to do it alone, because it was obvious he didn't want to be with me. I didn't finish talking I just got up and left.
Prestine, reluctantly followed behind.
He tried to talk it over with me but it all sounded the same. BLA BLA BLA & BLA BLA BLA. All he was saying was basically, he didn't want this. He was constantly always thinking about whether he was going to stay with me and pretend or, live his life. This hurt too fucking bad to honestly cope with. This man lied to me, in my face everyday and took what he wanted & dipped. He claimed this was the best choice but really? I wasn't seeing this.
We relocated because of the extra ears in our conversation. Here we started to argue. I couldn't except the fact that basically he was done with me. I couldn't except the fact that it was all lies AGAIN. That not only did he break my heart once but THREE times. Was I the dumbass who kept coming back because I believed that people could change ? That the impossible really is possible? Yes. I was the dumb-ass.
Our heated arguement turned into a loud arguement and things blew up to the point where he screamed in my face saying to get an abortion. I fell back in the pain of the idea he would say something like this to me. I was utterly alone. Really this time. I tried talking to him after a little bit of time but he just kept spewing those unforgettable, painful words in my face. "I'm done, I'm finished." It was like the feeling of having someone betray me and pointing a nasty finger in my face swearing saying. "Your not shit, no one will ever love you, and even I could manipulate your dumbass, I took what I wanted now deal with the fact you don't have shit" I couldn't bear to believe what was happening to me. I didn't know what to say to make him say, & I regretfully admit I threatened to never let him see his kid if he didn't leave. Thats when he got up to leave and called me a grimey bitch. I had all the emotions I ever felt, all the pain he's ever caused, all the tears he's ever made fall and all these feelings in one swell up inside me, I didn't realize what had happened until it was over. I punched him in his face.
I wanted to make him hurt like I did. But it wasn't until after everything was being split up and everyone was trying to pry us apart, that I realized I made the biggest mistake. Prestine and I yelled threats back and forth as he called me a bitch and I cursed that he was a dead beat father but it all came down to us being apart.
I didn't want to give him time but just as it started I wanted to see him again and apologize. I loved him so much I didn't want anything to build off of this distance. I gave him about 30 minutes before looking for him, then eventually following him up a hill.
We began to talk and came to the conclusion he didn't want me or ever look at me the same. That things would never be the same and he would only talk to me for the baby for now on but we would never have anything. He still loved me but that didn't mean anything, wasn't enough for him to get back with me no matter how much I begged. This hurt so bad I felt my blood in my veins start to freeze over. The cold hard truth was I had to let go. For real this time, but how was this going to work if I was going to be dealing with this boy for the rest of my life. I hated this. I hated my life and when he left me saying he didn't want to love me anymore, leaving me at the top of the hill with too many tears in my eyes, I realized this was real. This was how it was going to be, and no one cared about my feelings.
I made my way back to the dorm and called my mother. Just the sound of her voice made me feel instantly better but not completely better. I explained everything that happened and I realized that my mother was the only person who was ever going to understand how I felt. She dealt with this problem not once or twice but four times and honestly I never understood how strong she was until today. I felt even more horrible because people really don't understand what that feeling feels like unless your literally in the situation. I cried and vented to her and begged her to let me come home. Although I didn't have to do much begging she agreed to let me home because she missed me anyways. We set up everything so she could come pick me up the the day after next early in the morning.
When Prestine made his way towards the dorm I explained to him what was going on and he seemed to take it fine. He let a tear fall here and there but he didn't seem to care too much.
Although I couldn't sleep I did my best to get the best hour of sleep before I had to get up. I kept having dreams about Prestine and it just made me feel worse. I prayed to god to help me, and the next morning when I met him in the lobby before we attended our seperate classes, it started off in silence and ended with him basically not caring at all. This was the straw that broke the cammels back. I was utterly hurt and he just didn't know how much he was going to miss me until I was gone. I let him speak his speech, struggled for him to give me a hug and a kiss then went seperate ways. I had to tell myself that things would get better and he would regret what he was doing. Karma was a bitch and I couldn't help but feel bad for him. I loved him so much and I put trust in god, I took a risk with god this time, because I knew if I took a risk with him better things would come about. I put my faith in God's hands and let him take the wheel.
My life was too messed up and things never went right and it was about time that better things were to happen and I know God's going to show and bless me this way.
I wasn't the one who walked out of someone's life knowing that they had my kid and they had unconditional love for me. No, I was the one who did nothing but give, & now it was time God breathed life and blessings into my life.