Why Christmas Can Kiss My Ass

It starts with Black Friday where human beings literally trample each other for newly-discounted VCRs.

At Christmas you have to see your family members that you don't even like. I don't even know these people and I wish I was drunk. Look at that shitty dog.

In addition to being dressed like Pilgrims, they're also not smiling. That's because it's Christmas.

Kids will believe literally anything you tell them, including that an overweight, bearded man broke into their house to leave wrapped presents. This is because scientists have proven that children have very small brains.

Each year Hollywood produces a Christmas movie that was worse than the last.

I miss the "Dumb & Dumber" Jim Carrey. "Ace Ventura, Pet Detective" Jim Carey. Even "The Mask" Jim Carey. Even that's a stretch.

The one and only time Tim Allen and Kirstie Alley could fit into the same Onesie.

Who couldn't live without seeing the sequel?


Now some people would go pretty far to defend Christmas.

Except they're a dime a dozen. This is like a "Where's Waldo" from Hell.


At least we can celebrate the holiday with a tall glass of mucus.