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The Administrator: Intruder alert! Intruder alert! RED Spy in the base!
BLU Soldier: A RED Spy is in the base?! [grabs a shotgun and rushes downstairs]Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut....
The Administrator: Protect the briefcase!
BLU Soldier: We need to protect the briefcase!
BLU Scout: [trying to open the briefcase room door] Yo, a little help here?!
BLU Soldier: All right, all right, I've got it. Stand back, son. [punches numbers into the door lock] One, one, one... uh... one?
BLU Scout: Let's go, let's go!
BLU Heavy: [charges around a corner and towards the door] INCOMING! [breaks through the door, along with BLU Scout and BLU Soldier]
BLU Scout: Hey, it's still here!
BLU Spy: Gentlemen... I see the briefcase is safe?
BLU Soldier: Safe and sound.
BLU Scout: Yeah it is!
BLU Spy: Tell me, did anyone happen to kill a RED spy on the way here? No? Then we still have a problem. [drops Sniper's body on the table]
BLU Soldier: And a knife.BLU Scout: Ooh-hoo-hoo, big problem! [plays with RED Spy's balisong] I've killed plenty of spies. They're dime-a-dozen back-stabbin' scumbags, like you! [cuts himself] Ow! No offense.
BLU Spy: [casually closes knife with impressive skill, handing it back to the scout] If you managed to kill them, I assure you they were not like me. And nothing - nothing! - like the man loose inside this building!
BLU Scout: What are you, president of his fan club? [BLU Soldier chuckles]
BLU Spy: No... that would be your mother! [reveals several incriminating photos of the RED Spy embracing/making love to a middle-aged woman]
BLU Scout: [stammering; shocked]
BLU Spy: Indeed. And now he's here to F**k us! So listen up, boy, or pornography starring your mother will be the second worst thing that happens to you today. [Scout shakes his fist at BLU Spy, while BLU Heavy shows BLU Soldier a particular photo with a smirk]
BLU Soldier: Oh! [leers at the photo]
BLU Scout: Gimme that! [Snatches the pictures from them in anger]
BLU Spy: [lights a cigarette from his case] This spy has already breached our defenses.
The RED Spy is shown running through the BLU base, approaching the BLU Engineer and his sentry gun. The Spy saps the sentry gun.
BLU Engineer: Sentry down! [throws down wrench and attempts to draw his pistol. He is not fast enough, and is shot in the head by the RED Spy.]BLU Spy: You see what he's done to our colleagues! [gestures at the body of the BLU Sniper]
The RED spy is shown sneaking up on the BLU Sniper. A floorboard creaks, causing the Sniper to turn. He grabs his kukri and takes several swings at the RED Spy, before being stabbed in the back.
BLU Spy: And worst of all, he could be any one of us!
The RED spy is shown, battling the BLU Medic.
BLU Medic: Raus, raus! [swings at the Spy with his Bonesaw]
RED Spy: [effortlessly blocks the attack, breaking the Medic's arm as he does. His body shimmers, and he takes on the appearance of the Medic.].
BLU Medic: Nein...
RED Spy: [strikes the Medic in the neck, killing him. The Medic's glasses fly into the air, and the Spy takes them to complete his disguise.]
BLU Spy: He could be in this very room! He could be you! He could be me! He could even b– [his head is blown off by BLU Soldier's shotgun]
BLU Scout: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
BLU Heavy: Augh!
BLU Soldier: What? It was obvious! [He pumps his shotgun, ejecting the spent shell] He's the RED Spy! Watch, he'll turn red any second now. [taps the BLU Spy's foot with the barrel of his gun] Any second now... See? Red! Oh wait, that's blood.
BLU Heavy: So, we still got problem.
[BLU Scout behind them opens the balisong with spy-like skill, and turns into a RED Spy]
BLU Soldier: Big problem. Alright, who's ready to go find the Spy?
RED Spy: Right behind you.[The RED Spy stabs the BLU Soldier and Heavy to the beat of the Meet the Team ending flourish.]
RED Spy: [with BLU intelligence in tow, picks up a photo of BLU Scout's mother and smiles fondly] Ah, ma petite [a class="extiw" title="wiktionary:chou-fleur" href="http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/chou-fleur"]chou-fleur. Meet the Medic
[A peaceful nature scene is interrupted by a explosion, and a RED Scout and RED Demoman are fleeing, both bandaged and the latter in a wheelchair.]
RED Scout: (To Demoman) Move, cyclops, move! Come on, come on almost-- !
[A rocket knocks the RED Scout to the ground, he tries to get up but sees more rockets coming at him.]
RED Scout: Whoa, what the-- ?!
[The rockets impact the ground near the Scout, hurling him screaming into the air. He strikes a window, leaving cracks radiating out from his face's impact point.]
RED Scout: Medic...
[The Scout's body slides off the window as the camera zooms out to reveal an operating room, with a number of doves perched here and there. The RED Heavy lays on the operating table, fully conscious with his chest wide open. A ceiling-mounted medigun is shown to be keeping him alive. The RED Medic, holding the Heavy's heart, shares a chucklesome medical anecdote with him.]
RED Heavy: Oh ho ho! No more, haa haa ha ha ha!RED Medic: Wait, wait, it gets better! When the patient woke up, his skeleton was missing, and the doctor was never heard from again!
[The Medic bursts out laughing, shortly followed by the Heavy.]
RED Medic: [calming down] Anyway... That's how I lost my medical licence. Heh!
[Heavy suddenly looks very worried. A dove pops out of the Heavy's stomach, startling both the Medic and his patient.]
RED Medic: Archimedes! No! [waves Archimedes away] It's filthy in there, ugh! [notices Heavy glaring at him incredulously.] Birds! [chuckles]
[The Medic grabs a device with the words "Uber" on it from the table and turns back to Heavy.]
RED Medic: Now, most hearts couldn't withstand this voltage. [stabs Heavy's heart on the uber-device and grabs the ceiling-mounted medigun] But I'm fairly certain that your heart--
[The Medic is interrupted as the Heavy's heart explodes in the medigun's beam, a stray fragment knocking Archimedes from his perch.]
RED Heavy: [looking away] What was noise?RED Medic: The sound of progress, my friend!
[The Medic opens a refrigerator containing a sandvich, bottles of beer, and three hearts in labelled petri dishes.]
RED Medic: Ah... perfect. [The Medic takes a large "mega baboon" heart, revealing the severed head of a BLU Spy behind it.]BLU Spy's head: Kill me.RED Medic: Later. (closes fridge) Where was I? Ah, there we go... [The Medic attaches the Uber device to the new heart and holds it in the medigun's beam, where it starts beating.] Come on, come on!
[The Medic starts laughing maniacally as the heart begins to glow brightly. The Heavy laughs nervously, edging away from the Medic a little. The Medic squints against the glow, until eventually looking at the heart once more, which is now uber-textured.]
RED Medic: Oh, that looks good. (drops it in the Heavy's open body) Very nice there.RED Heavy: Should I be awake for this?RED Medic: Ah-heh, well, no. [adjusts his glasses] But as long as you are, could you hold your ribcage open a bit? [The Heavy obliges, and the Medic starts pushing the heart up into his chest] I can't... seem--
[The Heavy yells in pain as blood spurts from his chest, before looking at his hand to see a broken-off rib.]
RED Medic: Oh, don't be such a baby. [pinches the Heavy's cheek patronisingly as he takes the rib away from him] Ribs grow back! [turns to the medigun, tossing the rib over his shoulder. He whispers to Archimedes:] No they don't.
[The Medic pulls the medigun right up to the Heavy's chest, cranking it up to full power. As the hole in his chest seals itself up (clothes and all), the Heavy grins.]
RED Heavy: (takes a deep breath) What happens now?RED Medic: Now? (chuckles as he helps the Heavy up) Let's go practice medicine.
[The Medic puts on his lab coat, gloves and medigun. A metal door opens as the Medic steps out, bathed in light and with doves flying around him. The Heavy runs ahead of him. The Medic surveys the battlefield as the Demoman frantically rides his wheelcahir towards him.]
RED Demoman: Medic! [Rockets from the enemy send the Demoman out of his wheelchair and face first into the ground.]
[The Medic adjusts his glasses, turns on the medigun and heals the Demoman. The Demoman nods gratefully and heads back to the battlefield. The Medic also heals the Scout.]
RED Scout: Yeah! (jumps to his feet, grabs his baseball bat and runs off) Woo-hoo-hoo!
[The Heavy takes cover behind a truck as the Scout knocks out a BLU Soldier with his bat.]
RED Scout: Oh yeah!
[The Heavy looks around the truck to see a horde of BLU Soldiers coming their way.]
RED Heavy: Doctor! Are you sure this will work?RED Medic: Ha ha, I have no idea!
[The Medic flips a switch on his medigun. A button reading "Übercharge Ready" lights up. The Heavy breaks cover and yells out as the medigun's beam strikes him. A brief internal shot of his augmented heart shows it beating faster and faster, as the Heavy turns red and and his eyes glow yellow.]
RED Heavy: [advancing, minigun firing, with the Medic bringing up the rear. A rocket explodes against him, and he strides unscathed and lauhging out of the dust cloud.] I am bulletproof!!
[The RED Engineer and RED Sniper watch in amazement as the Übered Heavy shrugs off the incoming rockets as one by one, all the BLU soldiers falling to his minigun's fire. The soldiers' corpses form a large pile which the Medic and Heavy stride triumphantly to the top of.]
[Cut to a waiting room, where the rest of the RED team is waiting, the Engineer idly strumming his guitar as the Pyro attempts to set a magazine on fire with a cigarette lighter.]
RED Medic: That looks good, very nice there, yes!RED Scout: Hey, thanks Doc! [throws open the operating theatre door and strides out to the team] Oh-ho-ho man! You would not believe... how much this hurts!
[The Scout's chest bulges as a dove's cooing is heard from inside. The Scout looks down at his chest in shock.]RED Medic: Archimedes?