Miriam Santiago's Top 10 jokes, pick-up lines 2014

1. “Kung pangit ka mahilig kang mag-selfie, sabihin mo na lang lahat ng pictures mo ay wacky." (If you’re ugly and you like to take selfie, just say all your pictures are wacky).

2. "Cup noodles ka ba? Bakit? Kasi gusto kitang buhusan ng kumukulong tubig." (Are you a cup noodles? Why? I want to pour you a boiling water).

3. “Kapag magse-selfie, siguraduhin mong hindi maputi ang mukha tapos maitim naman ang leeg mo. Dapat din hindi sobrang puti ang katawan tapos maitim naman ang kilikili. Tandan mo tao ka, hindi ka Zebra." (If you’ll take a ‘selfie” shot, make sure your face is not white then your neck is dark. Your body should not also so white, but your armpit is dark. Remember, you’re human, not a zebra).

4. 10. Top 3 na pinakasinungaling na trabaho sa Pilipinas:

Number 3: Beautician: Sasabihin nilang maganda ang customer kahit hindi naman talaga.
Number 2: Konduktor ng jeep: Sasabihin niya na dalawa pa ang kasya kahit puno na.
Number 1: Pulitiko. That’s the end of the story.

(The top 3 jobs with the most liars in the Philippines:

Number 3: beautician. They will say the customer is beautiful even when she is not.
Number 2: jeepney conductor. He will say there is still room for two even when the jeepney is full.
Number 1: politicians. That’s the end of the story)

5. “Kung mangholdap ang mga sosyal, ang sinasabi: holdap here, make bigay all your thingy. Don’t make galaw or I’ll make tusok-tusok you (A sophisticated thief would say: This is hold-up, give all your thingy. Don’t move, or I’ll stab you).

6. "Summer ka ba? Bakit? Kasi wala kang class." (Are you a summer? Why? You don't have class).

7. "Use Obama in a sentence. If I'm all alone, I'm Obama-self."

8. Teacher asks students: Ano gusto mo paglaki mo?
Pedro: Gusto ko tulong kapwa.
Jose: Gusto ko doktor para tulong kapwa.
Kiko: Gusto ko mayor para tulong kapwa.
Maria: Gusto lingkod kapwa.
Juan Tamad: Gusto ko ako ang kapwa.
9. "Kung may boyfriend ka o girlfriend na gusto mong i-break after graduation, ito sabihin mo: 'Password ka ba? Kasi hindi kita kayang kalimutan pero kaya kitang palitan." (If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you want to break your relationship with him/her, you should tell this: Are a password? Because I can't forget you but I can replace you).

10. Anong tawag 'pag nagtapon ka ng basura sa dagat? Sagot: Pollution. Ano naman ang tawag kapag tinapon mo sa dagat ang mga pulitikong kurakot? Sagot: Solution. (What do you call throwing trash at sea? Answer: Pollution. What do you call throwing corrupt politicians at sea?

She’s fierce. She’s feisty. She’s Miriam Defensor Santiago. :)