Niemann's Guide on Getting to Cleveland

Step #1

Ignore your friends who insist that you don't go. I mean, St. Louisiana just do not appreciate Cleveland, a city known for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Christmas Story House, and...uh...let's get to step two.

Step #2

Go to an airport. Turns out almost any airport will do. Some are better than others. I recommend using the one closest to you.

Step #2a (optional)

Almost miss your flight because they switched your gates last minute and you're sitting at the wrong gate. Luckily there's very interesting coverage on CNN about Chris Christie's inevitable nomination for President. Didn't know it was 2015 already.

Step #3

Be one of the guys on the plane who never turns their phone onto Airplane Mode. This is absolutely crucial for two reasons:

1) You really want to scare the old lady next to you that the space age device you (and 80% of the people on the plane) have is capable of interfering with the basic physics of an airplane.

2) You want drain your battery as quickly as possible.

Step #4

Take selfies of yourself. Selfies are annoying enough when you're not crammed inches away from the person who keeps taking them. Make sure the flash is on, and bonus points if you turn the volume all the way up and share the wonderful *click* sound with everyone around you. I'm pretty sure this old lady next to me is going to beat me up.

Step #5

Drink something that stains. The goal here is to spill it on the surprisingly irate woman sitting next to you. Accidentally drink it all because it's surprisingly tasty. Tell the old lady next to you how tasty your beverage is.

Step #6

Look out the window and wonder why Cleveland's skyline looks so different. Last time you were here, the buildings looked quite different. Simply assume that this is normal behavior for Cleveland (the reconstruction of their entire downtown area). At this point you'll also notice that Cleveland has also changed the city's name to Charlotte.

Step #7

Realize that you are in fact, not in Cleveland. You have failed in your quest. Wander around and look at all the fun characters in Charlotte. The goal is to find as many hilarious people while sprinting through the airport to the last flight to Cleveland. I found a guy who dressed like Waldo, always a good find.

Step #8

"I'm on a plane all by myself." is always a good thought until you realize how super awkward it is. The flight stewardesses still have to make all the same announcements, while making eye contact with you. The beverage service is great, they wheel a cart all the way to your spot, ask you want you want, pour it, serve it, then have to awkwardly wheel the cart all the way back to the front of the plane. All for an ice water. I was tempted to say "Nothing for me, thanks", but decided I wasn't that big of a jerk.

Step #9

Spend the next two hours crafting the perfect Dusty Diamond's All-Star Softball team. Take into consideration how quickly Dan selects his team, and his typical order for picking. Make sure you have enough backups for power-hitters, good pitchers, and fast fielders to account for Dan randomly sniping a good character or two. Practice with this team non-stop for the remainder of the flight (approximately two hours).

Step #10

Find Dan. This fellow is great. Not only will he drive you around, he'll also provide a place to stay.

While in Cleveland...

Go to work.