How You Remind Me
First day of August according to my calendar. It's one month and twelve days since you literally said goodbye. Yes, I can still see your smiling face whenever I close my eyes. But the image is no longer vivid. I can still remember staying up late and staring at you while you are talking. I am aware how your lips curved with every words you uttered. I can still remember the way you say my name. Your eyes, your voice and the sound of your laugh are all retained. But not as lucid as how I felt on that day you said you loved me. Not even as evocative as the pain I felt when I found out the truth. I fell in love too fast and too hard that I cannot pick up myself after you chose to hide away.
But life moves on. It ain't fairy tale that has a happy ending. I cried when you left. I stopped crying after I realized you are not coming back. And you are happy without me. I felt the anger. I felt like I was a gift. Put inside a beautiful box and wrapped with lots of effort and precious time. After you opened the box, I felt your disappointment because it is not what you are expecting.
My brain said "I told you so." My heart says "Have faith". My gut feelings told me "You deserve this. Learn from it. Move on. Be resilient."
Every now and then, I still find myself thinking of you. How you are doing. But I don't missed you anymore. I am still thinking what if I chose to be your friend? But I am not good at being hypocrite. I don't wanna be friends with people who I loved so much but hurt me in the end. Yes I loved you this much I chose to be vulnerable in many ways.
I no longer checked my phone and hope your name flashed on my screen. I can no longer see the precise shade of your eyes. I don't say your name before I go to sleep anymore. But I can still remember you whenever I looked at the moon.