I'm Not Doing Shit
and it's driving me insane
I recently celebrated my 29th birthday, (if you want to call it a celebration,) in the small but bustling ski town of Breckenridge, CO. I've been here for a year, and stayed longer than expected. I have contemplated leaving and staying so many times my thought processes and emotions teeter on the verge of manic. On the one hand, I live in a Winter paradise; I ski practically for free, (I think I've put in 60 days or so already,) party as much as my bank account will tolerate, and meet people from all over the world who are grateful, (and often sick from the elevation,) to spend their hard earned vacation time in the mecca of tourist ski towns that is Breck. On the other hand, I think I'm going insane.
I say insane in jest, but my predicament is not a joke and the feeling of "rotting on the vine" is real and seemingly insatiable as I sit in my apartment uselessly scanning the internet all day or skiing 5 days a week with little to no actual work being done. In the past, I've rallied against the idea of "useless work" for other people, and complained about the lack of control I had under the employment of others, but as I sit here in my little office with all the time and freedom in the world, I'm doing nearly nothing to further my cause and losing the inertia of excitement I once had to actually create a meaningful existence.
In conversation with family and friends, as well as other aspiring "entrepreneurs," I speak of noble work, helping others with their goals, freedom and time, and actually putting in the effort to create something that matters, yet the more and more I promote the importance of things I don't do myself, the more my confidence steadily erodes. Self help gurus speak of the importance of self-control and intelligence for success. Business leaders stress the necessity of action over philosophical contemplation. Steven Pressfield wrote a book called "Do The Work," which he describes the muses that come to your aid and the magic that happens when you actually start creating. Yet, at 29, with all the information in the world at my fingertips, I continue to sit around gluttonously consuming information while taking little to no action. As much as I know what I need to do, the resistance is so powerful I've began to doubt my abilities and intelligence.
I'm heading east for a new opportunity and hoping the change initiates the excitement I once had to become the person I want to be. Hope is such a terrible word, though, because intention, goals and action create the framework for success. What the hell is hope? Creation is an aggressive act and the pacifist mentality I have had towards creation is spawning a beast of self contempt. In the age of attention deficit, discipline and control is as important as ever and until I escape the mental confines of action-less contemplation, the beast will continue to proliferate.
We exist in an amazing world, filled with mystery and opportunity, but simply thinking about it leaches the from the internal fire necessary to create an amazing fucking life. My mantra today and moving forward will be, "Do The Work."