The troubles of a teenage girl..
Day 1: The day before yesterday was stressful. Not only am I new to this whole "blogging" thing, but I'm also new to finding true love. Besides having a boyfriend that completely makes you happy; I do believe that I have found my true love but his feelings for me may not be so true anymore. It pains me more than anything. Seeing him in the mall with the mother of his child left a mark on me...A tire print. I've been ran over & my heart was torn apart. Regardless, any other time I see him, my knees buckle, my heart thumps. His presence triggers something deep inside. Something I've never felt before..Am I the only teenager that feels this? Is this a common feeling? Am I trying to grow up too fast? All of these thoughts flutter through my mind at a constant rate. Even when I lie down to finally get a glimpse of rest, he's in my thoughts & dreams.
Part 2: Alright, so my mom just came in & explained my "knight in shining armor" will appear when I least expect it. I feel as though that's exactly what happened. I didn't expect him to come into my life until an ex fling brought him over one day. I remember that night perfectly. We were all introduced to him (G) & him & I had that distant look when we first glimpsed at each other. I was way too nervous to talk to him. I repeatedly thought "why would he like a girl like me? A girl so fragile & odd that looked so out of place." But that night, we cuddled on the couch just talking & talking. We continued a long conversation with laughs & giggles. In that moment I knew I was "home". I knew he was the one I could come to about anything. I knew he was my protector, my savior. I knew what I wanted to do with him & it wasn't every teenagers first thought..I wanted to stay as unlabeled as I could with him. I did NOT want a "label" to ruin the chances of "us". I wanted him & I to be comfortable to a point where we wouldn't think about being with anyone else. I wanted us to be faithful without being displayed. I wanted G to feel as if we would be a fairy tale & I wanted myself to feel as if our relationship was a dream. Never had such a sense triggered me. I don't know if it was the look in his eyes or what but all of my body began to tingle with joy and fear. Was this the sense of true love?
Conclusion: Well, today was very interesting. Not only was I crumbled by the thought of my boyfriend macking up on a 15 year old, but I was also twisted back into my feelings for G. I can't provide what the mother of his child can. He can't introduce someone so young, someone like me to his mom. He can't possibly present this frail girl that can barely squeak a word because she's terrified of relationships. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I continuously bully myself by being with the wrong people or...Anyone at all? Has society really come to this? Regardless, if G was my knight in shining armor or not, this needed to be determination to gain my rightful place back into his heart. He slipped away from me & I needed to grasp up on that pole & yank him back in from the ocean. Baby mama or not, something wasn't right before & there damn sure can be something not right again. My boyfriend did NOT need to be apart of my life if he wanted to cheat on me with a younger girl. I even took him to the movies yesterday & he wants to lie to me the very next day? I've done nothing wrong to this boy. I've showered him with gifts I should've never gave him, but out of love & respect, I gave him what he wanted. That was a HUGE mistake. Goodnight lovebugs <3
Day 2: Woke up this morning thinking that I'm going to talk to my beb & figure everything out. I was pretty f***ing stupid for thinking that. He left me (over facebook) on the spot then had the nerve to block me. You proved that you were cheating on me. Not everyone can lie, then you go to your desperate fling? Way to make my day amazing. I guess now it is time to focus on G. Maybe he can be my savior & help me through everything. Maybe that's who I needed all along was him & only him. No more of this drama, I can't. I need someone mature & that will talk & accept me for who I am & what I bring to the relationship. I stopped talking to great guys for no reason..I've wasted two months of my life. Hopefully today gets better & doesn't continue to get worse. HOPEFULLY you do get what's coming to you & I get my knight in shining armor.
Day 3: Well, goodmorning. I kept losing track of who I was yesterday. I spent the entire day out but the only thing I was craving was my laptop just so I could let all my emotion out & blog. I lost a friend yesterday but this wasn't the first time I lost her. Everyone pin pointed me because my ex boyfriend wants to fight my most current ex boyfriend. What sense does that make? Yeah, he wants to fight more because of what my current ex did to me but still that's not my fault he did that. If you can't see that nor know nothing about the situation then you honestly have no reason to get mad. But who am I kidding? That's how people here in Delaware work..On the bright side, I met a new guy named Kris. We're going on a double date today. G refused to answer my text or call yesterday so I mean I guess I'm out of the picture with him for the most part..This sucks. Maybe he is back with his baby mama & he won't come back this time. Whatever the case may be, there's always a possibility of something. Hopefully Kris & I will have an awesome day & I can leave everyone in the past behind.
Day 4: I miss you guys in all honesty. I haven't been able to be on my blog much because of everything that's been going on but Kris & I have been fantastic. Last night we went on a date & that was the most open conversation I've ever had with a guy. I'm telling my dad more & more about him each day & my dad finally realizes despite our age difference, there's nothing he can do to stop us from dating. Yes, I do love & respect my parents opinions, but when it comes to my happiness, all that matters is how my heart feels & my daughters safety. Kris is being a bit sketchy sometimes but I only feel that way when I'm away from him...Maybe I'm too paranoid. I have no idea but hopefully it's not that. Hopefully, he can be my night in shining armor because things with G are obviously no more.
Day 5: So, I really do miss being on here but I guess I'm pretty bad at this whole blogging thing. I found G on facebook and it brought me to tears. We've been talking a bit more & I hope things are going on the right path. Maybe this was meant to be? I met a guy named John last week at WaWa (sad place, I know) but he is incredibly sweet, at least I thought he was. These boys just seem to be nothing but drama. Whenever I see G now it's a feeling I can't describe, nor have I ever felt before. Seeing his facebook and how happy he was with his son tears me to pieces...I'd give anything for him to have that happiness again. It honestly sucks when you fall in love with a grown man. I'm just now realizing, he's been there & done that; I haven't. He's lost a son, been through love & everything. I've only had a daughter & experienced true love with someone that didn't feel the same way (G). I hope one day he does believe me & see's how much I do love him..I am now confident to say that I love him. Goodnight lovebugs <33333
Day 6: Well, right now I'm sitting in sociology class bored & thinking about G..This is really bad. I tried seeing him last night but of course he fell asleep on me -_- go figure. Hopefully today I can see him. I've been worried about my English final..I don't even think I'm gonna do it. I'm honestly hoping & praying that I don''t fail that class for the year or my life will be completely over. There's so many thoughts flowing through my head. I have no idea how people are so calm towards the end of the year? Senior year (if I pass) I need to bust my ASS so I can achieve everything I want too. Maybe G wants a smart girlfriend if I even get to date him :/. My best friend thinks he's in denial about liking me & I believe the same thing. Hopefully that's the truth & I'm not just some random girl to him because I honestly see the possibility of being in love because I know what I want; I just want him to admit what he wants. Wish me luck guys! I'll probably be back on tonight <3
Day 7: I told G that I love him a few nights ago...That was the worse thing I could've done. I feel so stupid now; he won't talk about the situation or anything. I just need to get him off of my mind & out of my heart somehow..Maybe we aren't meant to be. All signs pointed that we were meant to be (at least I thought we were). I really hate life sometimes. Hopefully my soul pancake (Elizabeth) can make everything better tomorrow <3. Goodnight lovebugs.