my pregnancy journey

random thoughts from a first time mom

week 3

how i found out

WARNING: this post may include TMI for your taste :). Please stop reading now if you are a male, family member who doesn't want to know the details, etc. :). You have been forewarned!

we had been trying for four months to no avail. i know, four months sounds soooo short, but it felt like FOREVER. we had made the huge decision to have a baby - and i wanted one BADLY and IMMEDIATELY. :) each month i got my period, i died inside a little bit. and i was STRESSED. ovulation tests, temping, herbal teas…i was doing everything i knew to have the best chance to get pregnant…and nothing. all my friends said "don't worry", "don't stress about it", "it will happen", and "you'll get pregnant the month you STOP TRYING". but in the back of my head, a little voice kept yelling "WHAT IF YOU CAN'T GET PREGNANT?!" and that's all i heard. i was terrified of not being able to get pregnant. i was not getting any younger…and we surely didn't have a lot of time if we wanted more than one (and not irish twins ;). my doctor said that we shouldn't worry until after we'd been trying a year…A YEAR?!?!?!?! all i could think was "I DON'T HAVE A YEAR! I'M ALREADY 31!! AND I WANT A BABY NOW!!" we compromised at waiting 9 months. if we weren't pregnant by june, we would do the initial easy fertility tests. and after making this decision, i relaxed. i gave up the ovulation tests and the temping and the teas and the butt elevations…and we just had fun when we wanted to because we wanted to, not because I was ovulating.

and then february rolled around and it was time again for my period. despite feeling much more relaxed about the whole situation, every time i went to the bathroom, i held my breath. then came the day...and there it was. awesome. another month gone by with no baby. "oh well," i thought, "it's okay" i told myself. the timing wouldn't have been great anyway with my due date falling right at the end of swim season. i should mention this all happened while i was in hawaii for a work conference. of course, i didn't bring any tampons with the hope i wouldn't need them. so out i went to buy a jumbo box of 50 tampons for like a gagillion dollars because it's stupid expensive in hawaii and that was all the store had. 1.5 days pass and then it stops. hmmm…i think, that's weird. it usually lasts 5-6 days. but i haven't been super regular since going off the pill and it's right in the heart of the BUSIEST part of my conference and i don't have any time to think or analyze it. so now i have this ginormous expensive box of 47 tampons sitting in my hotel bathroom to remind me that i'm not pregnant. awesome.

the week rolls on and the conference ends. i went out with some friends to celebrate but came back early because i was EXHAUSTED. i never really adjusted to the time change and am in bed before 10 pm every night. on saturday, i go sightseeing to the north shore with a good friend/colleague. early in the day she excitingly announces that she's 12 weeks pregnant! i am ecstatic for her (like i am all the women that i know that have gotten pregnant in the last 4 months…no really i am! :). but i wasn't too terribly surprised as she hadn't had one sip of alcohol all week :). she goes on to tell her story of how she found out. and her story started EXACTLY like mine! well not exactly, but the important things. she had been trying for 6 months, had a short period, took a test, and was pregnant! i had butterflies all day with the hope that just MAYBE i was too! i hadn't even thought to take a test! thankfully, along with NOT bringing tampons, i also thought to bring a pregnancy test just in case. i went to bed that night with the intent of taking the test in the morning when i woke up. well i woke up…at 3:30 am…and couldn't fall back asleep. so i thought, "what the hell, here goes nothing" knowing i wouldn't be able to fall back asleep otherwise. deep down, i really didn't think it would be positive. i was preparing myself for the disappointment and ready to go back to bed. i didn't feel pregnant. my boobs didn't hurt. i wasn't sick. i was tired but that was likely the product of the conference and the travel and the time change. i am extremely aware of and in tune with my body and couldn't fathom that all the crazy changes associated with pregnancy could be going on without me feeling a thing.

but there it was…a big fat PLUS sign. but wait! did that mean pregnant or not pregnant?!? stupid me, i forgot the DIRECTIONS!! OMG! why didn't i bring the digital, easy-to-read "pregnant"/"not pregnant" test?! (Side note: i used to make fun of these in the store "what dumb ass can't read a plus/minus sign?" - NEVER again) i had a moment of panic. will i have to wait until i get home to get the directions?!(approximately 30 hrs away at that point) or can i call aaron to have him read the directions to me?! (it was 7:30 am on a sunday at home) then i remembered…THE INTERNET! i threw open my laptop and googled "how to read an ept pregnancy test." the page loaded and clear as day: PLUS sign = pregnant. i got real dizzy then. and hyperventilated a little. and i cried and i laughed and i danced and i was in shock. at 3:30 am, all alone, in a hotel room, in hawaii :). but i didn't care. i was PREGNANT!

i had a few hours left before i had to head to the airport to go home. i spent those hours going in every kids/baby store in the mall across from my hotel on the verge of tears, ooohhhing and aaahhhing over all the adorable baby clothes we would need in approximately 9 months. 9 MONTHS! HOLY CRAP! WE ARE HAVING A BABY IN 9 MONTHS!!! and this will be repeated in my head for the next 2 days. what was weird was that i was the only one that knew. i kept having these crazy fears that something would happen to me and no one would ever know that i was pregnant. especially having to fly halfway across the world. i couldn't tell aaron over the phone. so i had to wait the 30 long, grueling hours traveling home and while he was at work on monday. i think they were the 30 longest hours of my life :). click the button below for my next post on how i told him and his reaction :).