Mi vida loca II: A Sequel
Honestly, Its been a while since the last time we talked. I'm surprised I can look around now and say... I lived; not that I thought I'd literally die, but was just afraid that a piece of me would just remain helpless and broken forever.
Its been about a year and a lot of things have changed. Just to recap everything let me catch you up to speed:
Last we had talked I was beyond destroyed. I'd completely fallen for Prestine again and "surprise, surprise" it was just another one of his games. I was pregnant and alone and Job Corp just wasn't an option for me. I couldn't be pregnant and deliver a baby to no home to call its own so I had made the big life changing decision to leave. Yes, Leave. Drop out, Give up and go a different route. Maybe Job Corp just wasn't for me. I could easily get a GED outside of Job Corp and just find a good job. Anything was good for me just as long as I was as far as I could get away from Prestine... Well, I guess he wasn't so Prestine anymore was he?
Frankly, I'm quite done giving him nicknames. He didn't deserve a nickname whether it was a good one or a bad one. He was so unpredictable, so hot and cold to me now, no words could honestly describe him. He was... Liam. Just plain, blurred out Liam.
People Change. Lets just sum that up real quick. There comes a time in everyone's life where they go from, adolescence to adult. Now, in some people, this takes longer but for those who mature at the rate there supposed to, it should happen between ages 17 - 18. Or whenever you realize you have to start taking care of yourself, such as, phone bills, rent, even just having a job and buying your own things.
Liam & I met when we were in the middle of this process of maturing, but from my last blog you can tell we were more immature than your average.
Well, Lets see. How can I explain and recap the last year or so? Let me try to just sum it up. & I mean really sum things up. Its too much to go into detail.
The time away I had from Liam was excruciating, really. Everyday I found that it was hard to keep my composure. I had landed a new job on the ocean front, working at a photo shop and seeing all the couples PDA they freely expressed made me more and more sick to my stomach. This was the summer and I was stuck in a costume with a huge belly, so the idea of me hitting it off with some random stranger was definatley out the door. I ached to just hear even a whisper of Liam's voice. All I thought about was Liam, Liam, LIAM!
The last we had talked, we were in a relationship, but I guess the distance had gotten to his head. We were doing perfectly fine, until one night I saw him commenting on his Ex's page and lets just say you could tell his testerone was running a little too high. I confronted him on it and all he did was say it was nothing. So as a result, the next day his guilt must have gotten to him. He broke it off with me and told me, he was just done. He didn't see me in his purpose, and he admitted to have exchanged more than just words with this girl. And that was the last we had talked.
So there it was. The cold hard, truth. We were done and at this point my future seemed to consist of me and my baby.
Throughout the months I kept Liam updated, not that he cared. Guilty, sometimes I would go and stalk his instagram page just to see what his life consisted of now that it seemed to be so much better than being with your family. From the looks of it, he was still the same old same old. He was still a little boy and he was still into everything else that was not relevant just to fill the void where his family should be.
But I was stuck here. In a photo shop full of customers from out of town and honestly? I was guilty of thinking sometimes "Can you take me with you?"
The weeks went by as the summer was close to an end and really? I was getting desperate for attention. I wanted someone to lay next to, to hold me close and say they cared for me. Stupidly, I ended up falling back to my ex. But this really wasn't the best choice and even I knew this. He was so high all the time I wondered if he would ever come down. He was a high school drop out, Felon, & could hardly support himself. Well, unfortunately, our relationship became abusive and this put me between a rock and a hard place. This ex of mine was an ex of 3 years (basically my whole high school experience). I had opened up a chapter of my life I wasn't ready for. I opened up feelings that should have stayed sealed shut and forgotten in the past.
I had nobody. I had no friends to turn to, I had no one to talk to that was close enough to comfort me. Everyone who truely understood me lived at a distance. I regularly called my dad and vented and cried to him, but at the end of the conversation it was the same ol' same ol' and once the phone was hung up I was back at square one.
One night, My Ex and I got into a really bad fight and before I could really think what I was doing, I heard a low familiar voice at the other end of the phone. I guess my instincts had taken control. I had called Liam at Job Corp and I guess its because, reguardless whether he was the one who really had ruined my life, it seemed, at this point, he was the only one on the face of this planet that understood me. I vented to Liam, and this began to be a habit. Liam knew I was with my ex and he wasn't happy, but he supported me and we kept a regular friendship and it felt good to just talk to Liam everyday I needed him. I could tell he had changed. It had been been almost 3 months since the last bad incident and I wondered if this was enough time for someone like him to truly change. Was this another game? Had he wiesled his way back into my life? Something about him was genuinly different.
After about a month- two months of mending our relationship we began talking about starting over. He wanted our family, he wanted to make things right and he didn't feel good about anything he had done. I started to understand that maybe he was just scared. Having a child and dealing with confusing feelings of actually loving someone, was his problems and he had felt alone. It wasn't that he didn't care for me, he just loved me too much, it was too confusing and he didn't know if he could be the father our baby needed. But now he was certain. This was our time, This was our family and he needed us just as much, maybe even more, that we needed him.
So long story short. We moved into an apartment of our own after he finished Job Corp & He was just a new man. He catered to my every need and honestly, Liam was the man I always knew he was. Waiting for our baby boy to arrive was the hardest for him and I never seen him so excited and full of life before. He couldn't wait, and even wanted to try to enduce me, with old wives tales of how to go into labor. Soon enough, It was time for our baby to arrive.
Liam was there every moment and holding my hand comforting me, & when I said before I wasn't sure if this was all an act, this really stripped Liam naked of all his masks he seemed to wear and showed me his true colors. Liam loved me. He really did & I just marveled at what I've always wanted was here in this room with me.
32 hours of labor and the baby was finally here. I had an emergency C-section, and Dakota was born. 8 pounds 3 ounces 21 inches long <3
From here, Everything has never been the same.
Liam proposed to me the in the same week.
My dad visited after not seeing him in 5 years.
We moved out of our apartment and moved in with his mother.
Then relocated back to the beach.
Then we got in a car with my mother and drove all the way from the East Coast to the West Coast.
That brings us to the current day.
We got married May 30th and are newly weds living in an apartment in the mountains. I am currently a stay at home mom.
& This, I guess, is where my life begins and, well? I guess this is where we start our story.
Soundtrack "Amarantine" by Enya
Coming down from an adderall high? is the worst and to never come down is even more worse. Ok, ok, I know you must be thinking, "why are you taking adderall in the first place?" Well, let me explain.
For a while now Liam and I have been going up and down like a bipolar rollercoaster, with relationship issues (of course), stress, finance and, well about everything. Here we were, a perfect couple (in our eyes) and honestly I felt like life just dumped us on the "grownup wagon" and was like "Good luck!"
I mean I expected to have responsibility the day I knew I was pregnant, and of course saw the responsibility much clearer (I thought) the day I stared my son in the face for the first time. But this ? this was 10x what it was when we first brought Dakota home.
Now, there were bills to pay, Liams constant working & not coming home until 12 at night, Dakota getting bigger needing more clothes, diapers, milk, baby food etc. Everything was just piling up like the 9 loads of laundry I still haven't done.
Honestly, I was beginning to think I was't fit for the job. Sometimes I just wanted to go to life and say "I'm putting in my 2 week notice." But life doesn't work that way. I love my family, don't get me wrong, but grownup issues were really starting to take a toll on my body. Subconsciously, I knew I wasn't pleasant to be around, but I was trying my hardest to be more kind and not take my stress and anger out on Liam. Thank God, Liam, was more mature and genuinely loved and had patience with me because anyone else would have been gone.
So, for the past few months it has felt like we have been holding hands balancing on egg shells together, but today? Today seemed to have a bright face, and a glimpse of hope. Being so consumed with my drowning emotions and stress, I bought a few adderall off a friend yesturday. Maybe this would give me an artificial happiness for the time being and I could come to the surface for a breath of fresh air before I went down under again. The day had gone by very fast, and to my disadvantage it had taken longer for it to wear off than I had expected. Nightfall had come and I could get in a few sleeping positions that would make me comfortable enough to get drowsy but i never fully went to sleep. All night. I figured it was no use after glancing at my phone seeing it was now 7:22AM. I thought to myself, "I could get up, and clean up the living room which had been dirty for two days (like I said, I didn't think I was good as a stay at home mom either), maybe take a shower and clean my aura. After debating with my inner laziness, I finally got up and did what I had been needing to do for about a couple days now. Except for the laundry, but that was in the room where Liam and Dakota were sleeping so I used that as an excuse not to.
Finally I jumped into the shower and tried to clean my aura and rid my body of this sick feeling I had from the adderall. I was better than this, I was better than the issues that life was throwing at me. I was stronger and I knew it, but I guess I just let it weigh me down. I rinsed out my hair and began to do my "after shower" routine. Speaking silently in my head I began to pray to God, to start the day out right. It was comforting, and surprisingly eye-opening. I realized, it wasn't so hard was it? I just had to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. "Today is gonna be better" I kept telling myself, growing with confidence each time.
I woke up to the feeling of being left a lone. My body ached and my head was pounding. It took a second, but once I pried my eyes open, I peered over to the space next to me. Empty. I looked over at my son who was comfortably asleep, then closed my eyes again. What happened last night? It took me a second to think, but not too long as the thoughts of last nights foolishness finally sunk in again. I burried my head deeper in the pillow thinking to myself, "No, no, no" But sadly it did happen.
Lately, Liam has been having alot of stress. He had, two jobs, which wasn't giving him much liberty. He would wake up at 6 am to walk 3 miles to work, then would get off of his first job at 4pm and enter his second job at 5:00pm which he didn't retire until 11:15pm. This wasn't giving him no sleep at all. Liam eventually quit the first job so he could have time with his family and have enough sleep to perform his job. After a little while the one job wasn't enough so we began looking for a better job, which we found one, only Liam made the mistake of putting his two weeks in before we knew if he'd be hired or not. Sadly, he ended up not being hired , and he lost his first job.
Thats where we are now, the stress of knowing we could be homeless if he doesn't find a good paying job in time was too much. Liam started coping with himself and smoking weed more often, and this caused me stress on top of the initial stress.
So, Last night, Liam talked me into smoking with him, for the last time, since he was quitting. It took a lot of convincing but I finally gave in. I really wasn't the type to smoke but with all the stress we were both undergoing, I think I needed it. We sat around and joked around as we let the influences of the THC take over our body. Okay, let me stop rambling and just get to the point.
Lets just say one thing led to another, and we had sex. I guess the fact that we were both dumb, because of the weed, we both weren't thinking, and well? I guess I got pregnant. I'm not completely sure, of course, because it was only last night and I have to wait 2 weeks minimum to know for sure, but the fact that he finished in me scares me. I woke up this morning feel regretful, and guilty. I'm not sure why guilt, per say, but I just feel like, if I am pregnant, my life is over.
I want more than anything to have many kids, and maybe this was God's way of giving it to me. I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, people do, right? So maybe this was supposed to happen? I didn't know, all I knew was, this was a new turning point in my life, whether good or bad.
Children are blessings, but all I could think was:
So what now?
... Idk what has gotten into me. Lately I've lost myself.
I feel.. just stuck. For a while Liam and I were under the pressure of the idea that we were having another child. I mean having one kid is super hard. Its definitely not a cake walk. Being busy with our lives we never really had time to check to see if it was actually happening. I guess for a while we just accepted it, and went on with our lives like there was nothing to worry about when deep down under we both were stressing. How were we going to care for another child, knowing we were struggling as a single family in the first place? Night after night, it started to grow on me. What if I was pregnant? How many weeks would I be? What gender would it be? Was I really ready to sacrifice my body again for another child? Liam and I had been talking for while PRIOR to all this fantasizing about having several children but we never really went in depth about exactly when.
This seemed a little too early. Everyday I felt like I could see my mind playing tricks on me. For example, some days I felt like there could be something squirming around in my stomach, or another day I would just feel super moody. It was simple symptoms that made me feel like "Okay, this is really happening." So I went through with setting up an OBGYN appointment (which by the way if you didn't know, is a vagina doctor, basically). The days up until my appointment were crucial. Liam was practically positive that we were pregnant again, and he seemed... awkwardly happy. But I wasn't sure how I felt about this situation. Was I excited? Was I sad? Was I being selfish if I wasn't particularly excited? I tended to push aside my feelings and just kept telling myself, we would find out in due time.
As the days went by, I actually started growing on the idea that I was pregnant. I had stayed up countless nights, fighting with my anxiety and over thinking, and I knew at this point that I would have to face the music soon, and why not be excited? I mean its not like our son was some demon child. Having a family is the most amazing thing that happened to me, and Just looking at my son and how much we have grown together, it just made me excited. The expenses and everything else we could worry about later. I mean its not like the doctor would say "okay your pregnant" and we would immediately have to go buy diapers at that moment and make room for the baby. We had a cushion of 9 months and everything would fall in to place, (I would convince myself)
Eventually, the appointment came along and waiting in the doctors office was hell by the results came back and.... they were negative.
... I don't know what it was, but something inside me snapped.
Like all my worldly cares, and emotions just crumbled at my feet. Was I hurt? What was this I was feeling? Why did I feel this way? I was confused. This couldn't be real. I was almost positive that, this was in fact, legitimate. I was convinced that there was a beautiful life inside my womb and it would be here in 9 months time. But all those feelings and thoughts were all ripped from me. Almost as if my baby had vanished. I had never had an abortion before but it almost felt like what I imagined this to feel like. I did my best to keep my composure. I didn't want Liam, nor the doctor to see my disappointment. Its embarrassing. I felt like only older couples should be sad about not being able to conceived. Not me. The doctor left the room and while I put my clothes back on, I did my best to fight back what I think were tears but I'm not sure. I was in such a different stage of mind (if I was even in my mind) that everything just felt... numb. I didn't ever let Liam know how hurt I was, nor was I ever going to. I didn't even know exactly how I was feeling.
Part of me wanted to be pregnant and the other half of me just didn't. Was I feeling guilty because at one point I swore up and down I didn't want this and now it was happening? I felt disappointed in myself. Like somehow this was all my fault. Maybe I jinxed myself and I was suffering the consequences and because of me, now my husband couldn't enjoy the happiness he once thought we would have. Was this what our relationship would ride on now?
... I don't know, all I knew was.. I was going to try again and again.... and again. What ever took dammit. Again and again.