How to Become a F*cking Morning Person In 3 Steps
We are all familiar with these @ssholes. As you slowly emerge from home each morning in the curved posture of your evolutionary ancestors, they prance around you at a pace typically reserved for gazelles. Freshly showered, coffee in hand and an obnoxious smile pasted across their face. As you blink into oblivion, they greet you with a loud “Morning!” and pass before you can get out your signature guttural grunt, the only type of communication you posses pre 7am. F*cking morning people.
We all have a little hate bank reserved for individuals that are wrapped in optimism and energy. It’s why we despise Ned Flanders, Ashton Kutcher (punk’d version) and Nick Canon (any version). Here’s the thing. Morning people don't care about the hatorade we're dousing them in because they're too busy winning. They’re getting in a workout, clearing their inbox and defining goals before we’re even up. They have that stupid grin on their face because they know exactly what they’re going to do with their day while the rest of us stumble through it. In short: it’s good to be a morning person.
If you weren’t born with sunshine planted deep inside your rectum, no need to fear. We can hack it and become happy, beautifully efficient f*cking morning people with these three easy steps.
1. Defeat The snooze
The top 3 noises I despise, in no particular order:
- Noises that wake me up and ruin my super-sweet recurring astronaut dream
- Noises that wake up the demon that possesses my girlfriend in the morning (love you sweet pea!)
- Noises that are extremely repetitive (sorry dubstep loving millennials)
Alarm clocks have the unique ability to make all three a reality simultaneously. Most of us are wired to disable them as quickly as possible. In truth, the snooze button is to our mornings what endless mimosas are to our Saturday; great in the short term but destructive to any aspirations it precedes. To avoid the knee-jerk reaction to hitting snooze, there are some simple things you can do to make all the difference.
- Move - Keep your alarm far from your bed, preferably in another room. This at least forces you to get up and get your blood flowing.
- Fight the Cold - Once you get to your alarm and turn it off, it will quickly become apparent that you're f*cking freezing like Jack in Titanic (Quick regression: there was room for two on that damn door). Provide a solution to this problem that is quicker than jumping back into bed. Layout some warm clothes right next to the alarm.
- Get Jamming - Put on one of your favorite pump up songs. It can be complete cr*p, but make sure the hook is catchy enough for you to want to stay awake long enough to sing along when it comes back around. It also helps if the hook makes you feel like you're the sh*t. Getting up early is hard. You deserve to feel like the sh*t for doing it. Rap is amazing for this experience. True story: Solja Boy's "Turn My Swag On" was my song for almost a full year. Although, I'm not sure if I was every truly singing along. Does anyone REALLY know what that guy is saying?
2. Get Outside Asap
This follows the same theme as step #1. Get as far away from the comfort of your bed as possible. Some people are able to use their momentum to workout immediately. Runing, which apparently is not only great at waking you up but also happens to be the fountain of youth, is what I've subscribed to.
It doesn't have to be a run however. You need to like your new routine. New habits are really damn hard to form and creating a new habit that you dislike is damn near impossible. Your habit loop needs to end with some sort of reward if you want it to stick with it. Duhigg and Eyal have written about this extensively. So if exercise doesn't fire off the endorphins you need to love your first action of the day, maybe a stroll to grab some coffee or playing fetch with the pup will serve you better. Either way, be out of that home of yours within minutes of waking.
3. Automate your Zombie
For most of us, our first hour of the day is spent with our synapses firing at the speed of a revolutionary war era musket. So how do you transform your worst hour into your best? Automate it.
In any good Zombie flick, the undead basically just laze about until yummy human flesh enters the picture. Once the goal is in site, they become a bunch of single minded, hideous Usain Bolts, sprinting towards their challenge.
You can create the same effect for your personal morning zombie by creating a recurring checklist that, when followed, culminates in you being completely prepared to conquer your day. Shameless plug: I typically create a public task for my routine on Complete the night before, to give myself some added accountability. Nothing like impending shame to get you moving!
I hope this list helps you get through the morning fog. It's helped me transform from Gollum to Gump every morning for a while now. If you have a different routine or any other tricks and tips that help you get up early and brave the day, please leave them in the comments below. Always appreciate love in the form of posts and retweets!