September 16, 2013
Whewwww! Everything has been super crazy! I know I said I was going to post daily but I really haven’t had a chance. Hopefully things will eventually calm down and I can get in a routine of posting every day.
A of all, I just wanted to thank everyone for all of your encouragement, support and prayers. I am truly amazed and overwhelmed at how many people have been encouraging me and even have come by the office to just hug me and tell me how proud of me they are! It’s just like one of the best feelings in the world to know that God can work through someone like me, even with all the mistakes I’ve made and all the time I wasted not living for God. I was so worried what people were going to think of my testimony and if they would think less of me, when really I had nothing to worry about! I will never be able to repay the kindness that has been shown to me and all the thoughts and prayers. Thank you everybody from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could find some way to express how much everything really means to me.
One thing I don’t think I was quite prepared for was some of the people’s reactions that have known me for awhile and that really know the kind of person I was. I mean heck I can’t really blame them, if I was on the outside looking in I probably would have my doubts about me too, but I sure wouldn’t be bold enough or hateful enough to voice them. I have really struggled with this the past week and I continue to struggle with it and just want to somewhat understand why people feel this way about me. It’s not like I’m saying that I’ve made some miracle transformation or that I no longer sin and now have my life 100% together. All I did was realize that I had no future. I was living a lie. All I want to do is grow in my relationship with God each day and allow Him to use me and work through me to help bring one more person to Him who didn’t know Him or have a relationship with Him before. It isn’t like I’m going around preaching to my friends constantly or trying to force them to make the same decision I did. Don’t get me wrong there is nothing I want more for them but I think they have to come to God in their own time. I can’t force it on them. What one of my best friends said probably hurt me worse than anything. They told me just because I prayed and read my Bible now didn’t mean that I could walk around and act like I was a Saint. For all of you who read my first blog post, I honestly hope this isn’t the impression I left you with because that was never my intention. I only want you to see how much I struggle with sin and how much I struggle with trying to follow God faithfully so you know you are not alone. I only want you to read my posts and realize that if someone like me is capable of change, then so are you. I have no pride, nor am I self righteous. I want you to know that I give God all the glory in this. It is only through His amazing grace that I am even able to change and be forgiven and I will NEVER forget that. It has nothing to do with me. And as bad as this person hurt me I want nothing for the best for them and it doesn’t change how I feel about them in any way. I will always be there for them. Among other insults, I’ve been told I’m boring and lame now and that I’m never going to able to really change. I’ve even been cussed out for standing up for someone who has been my rock during all this. Most of the time I just laugh it off and let it go, but people are starting to really make me second guess myself and I’m so afraid of letting God down along with everyone who believes in me and is praying for me. I feel like for as many people who are for me, there are still so many who would love nothing more than to see me fail. This is the part I can’t understand because even when I wasn’t saved I never wanted anything bad for the people who were and I sure didn’t make negative comments to them or any even directed toward them. I just went on about my life and they went on about theirs. I really try not to let what they say affect me, but most of what they say cuts me deeper than I like to admit. I’ve always been a people pleaser and wanted everyone to be happy with me. And as if it wasn’t already hard enough just to quiet my own doubts. Ha.
One thing that has really helped me is a verse that Kayla showed us. It’s John 15:18-19.
If the world hates you remember that it hated me first. The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you.
After I read this I just kept thinking to myself how lucky we are to receive not only God’s grace and forgiveness when we do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to deserve it but we also have the Bible!!! We have this huge book that was written sooooooooo many years ago and miraculously it is still relevant to the times we live in today where God not only tells us how to live so that we please Him and glorify Him but it also offers answers and encouragement for any problem or situation that you will ever have. All you have to do is open it and start reading or even just ask someone and they are sure to have a verse that will fit your situation and help you just when you need it the most. There is a Bible app for Iphones or any smart phone...in case you have one of those terrible Android phones (lol J joking) but on this app they have daily plans that usually have a short devotional followed by a bible verse that you can follow for just about any topic. For example, it’s no secret that drinking was and is a problem for me. There was a plan that had verses specifically about alcohol and God’s view on it. It is an awesome app to have. Also if you aren’t very good at looking through your Bible and finding all the books and verses it has where you can just search the book and then go to the correct chapter and verse! I was so lost and went for years thinking no one understood me and feeling like no one cared, only to realize that God has always understood me and cared about me he was just waiting on me. Even if you are unsure about all of it just download this app and check it outtt.
One of my major downfalls is that I am a very selfish person. That’s probably the main reason I didn’t choose to follow God for so many years. I just did not want to give up the way I lived and all the things I thought were so important. I admit I was curious about God and part of me wanted to see what it was all about but my selfishness kept me from that and I would never fully commit to Him. Along with all of my other circumstances, a video really played a part in changing the way I thought. When Carrie was talking to me the day I got saved she showed me this video and things suddenly just clicked for me. If you have time and want to watch it I really encourage you to. Just copy and paste this link:
It’s only 4 minutes of your time and I don’t think you will regret it. Even if you already believe.
Once again, I just want to thank you so much for all of your encouragement and support. I love you all!
So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. -1 Corinthians 10:31