Robots Who Fire People
And art we stole from Matt Groening
Hello there, I'm Miguel Román. I'm here to pitch a product to you and sell it for more than three times the production cost. My first product doesn't even serve a purpose and the second thing was just a whim, so bear with me, potential customer. These robots are cold and remorseless, capable of literally nothing but firing people. Hate Steve at the office, but don't want to look like a jerk firing a guy struggling to make ends meet with a kid with leukemia, two other kids, and a wife who left him and took half of what he owned? Fortunately, you can't think badly of a steel monster with no emotion! He'll know as soon as he stares into its cold, dead eyes that he will find no compassion and have no choice but to stop paying his child's medical bills.
Need artwork from a cartoon comprised of nothing but shtick? Buy the almost certifiably copyrighted and pirated artwork for three times the price and half the quality rather than just downloading from the internet and printing it yourself!
Producing robots and hiring art thieves is an expensive business. It costs $700 to hire robots and $300 to manufacture art thieves (pricing is based on objects, not verbs). (700)x+(300)y=C
As promised, I plan to sell my product for exactly three times the cost to acquire it. After all, a man's gotta eat. (2100)x+(900)y=I
Running all this through a complex series of equations, I've determined my total profit and net worth to be exactly $12,000,000,000. (1400)x+(600)y=P
Unfortunately, building robots takes a while. In fact, it usually takes about exactly the amount of time it takes to sell 3 pieces of art, so I have that constraint to put up with. I have to have the art thieves working constantly or else they steal my stuff, so they're working at least twelve hours (my office is locked after that) where they can steal a piece of art every 1.5 hours. They aren't very good at their job. On top of this, I can only sell a maximum of 40 products to avoid suspicion, but must sell at least 30 art pieces to satisfy customers. This is about to be a lot of math. (y≥30) (x≤1/3y) (x+y≤40) (y≥3x) (x<14) (y<33)
Upon further review, I could maximize profit by selling 9 robots and 31 pieces of artwork stolen from Matt Groening. (9,31)