never ditch happy hour to walk your pet.
this four-legged friend craps all by itself,
giving you all night to chase other kinds of tail.

so who let the dogs out?
not you, my friend,
because you got TAIL.

You want a dog, but, let's face it, your mom wasn't completely off base when she called you disorganized and lazy.  And if you think high-maintenance chicks are the worst, imagine one that needs to be fed and walked all day long (and she doesn't even make you a sandwich afterwards).

The benefits of cat ownership are off the charts. 98 million Americans can't be wrong.

  • Cats play when you want, where you want, with whatever dumb string you have lying around.
  • Cats sleep up to 20 hours a day, making you look ambitious by comparison.
  • The loudest sound they make is easily drowned out by sports center.
  • Should your home be critter-stricken, your cat will exterminate bugs and mice, free of charge.
  • Studies show that guys with cats can be 15% more of a dick to girls than non-pet-owners and get away with it because of the perceived sensitivity that comes with owning a cat. Dogs, on the other hand, decrease dickishness tolerance by 5% because of perceived meat-headedness by women.
  • It is perfectly legal to drug your cat with catnip and watch it become completely f*d up.
  • They are housebroken at birth. Just show them a sandy spot where they can do their business, and they'll go back there every time.

If you want a furry friend that won't interfere with your fist-pumping, tail-chasing lifestyle, join the ranks of 98

And, don't forget, all you need to do to keep your cat happy is fill 1 bowl with water and 1 bowl with cat food and replenish whenever they're empty.  And toss a litter box in a corner and replace the litter every now and then.

because you have better things to do at night than walk the dog.

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