Turtle Trouble

By: Josh Bierley

In 1983, Sassy Nancy was a ninety six year old grandmother of fifteen grandchildren. One Saturday afternoon, Nancy’s daughter said, “You should take the grandchildren to Outback Steakhouse for lunch in a few days.”

Two days later, on a sunny saturday afternoon, Sassy Nancy took all of her fifteen grandchildren to Outback Steakhouse.

Some of the older grandchildren had to give their grandmother directions to the restaurant because she has some pretty bad dementia. Nancy, also, had some trouble parking in the parking lot with her oversized mini van; parking over a curb. The family entered Outback Steakhouse ready and hungry to eat some steak.

After they had eaten for a little while, some of the grandchildren told their grandma that they needed to go to the bathroom. Since they were too young to go by themselves, grandma had to go with them.

Nancy, in her dementiated state, took the children into the men’s restroom instead of the woman's. The children seemed to have noticed which bathroom they were walking into because they kept saying, “Grandma where are we going?”

Nancy’s hearing aids must not have been turned all the way up because she did not even pretend to acknowledge what they were saying.

Once in the bathroom, the children did their business and were washing and drying their hands when they heard a loud commotion out in the dining area. Upon hearing this, Sassy Nancy went to the door and peaked out. To her surprise and amazement, she saw a group of upright walking, talking, green and red turtles.

Instinctively, Sassy Nancy was not so sassy anymore because she immediately shut the bathroom door and hid behind it. The grandchildren did not see the turtles yet, but they did hear the commotion out there, so they became scared and skittish. They started asking their grandma many questions about the situation. Grandma did not really answer their questions, though, she was just very wordy and trying skate around the questions.

The commotion in the dining area turned into screaming and yelling. Nancy was not quite sure where or who it was coming from, so she once again took a peek out the door. The turtles were leaning over the front counter demanding something that Nancy could not make out. Nancy got scared, so she slammed the door shut and started breathing heavily.

One of the six turtles noticed the door slam and started to walk over toward the restroom. The other turtles did not notice and continued carrying on what they were previously engaged in. The one turtle reached the door and pursued to open it. The door did not open. Sassy Nancy was on the other side, leaning and pushing up against it. The turtle then pushed against the door once again, hoping for better luck. Once again the door refused to open.

After the second failed attempt, the turtle called for reinforcements. Inside the restroom, Grandma was trying to figure out why they wanted into the bathroom in the first place. There were at least a dozen people in the dining area. The only reason Nancy could come up with in her dementiated state was that the turtles had control of the people out there. Inside the bathroom, they could not control her and her grandchildren.

At first, the other turtles did not listen to the one turtle. Some of them were busy negotiating with the frightened employees at the counter and the others were keeping an eye on the customers sitting at their booths. But after persistence by the one turtle, the other realized they needed to change their focus on another matter. The other turtles then left what they were doing and hurried over to the door to open it. Three of them pushed against the door and it swung open, squeezing grandma between the door and the wall.

The children screamed in horrified high pitch voices. They had just watched their grandmother be squeezed half to death, and now they had six humanoid turtles running at them. To everyone's surprise, the turtles ran right by the children and headed straight for a stall. Once the turtles got to the stall they seemed to have vanished. After closer analysis, Nancy figured out that the turtles had flushed themselves down into the toilet.

Sassy Nancy pushed the door back closed again to free herself and sprinted through the children to arrive over to the toilet. She peaked in and only saw a bowl of swirling water. Flabbergasted, Nancy stepped out of the stall and stared at her grandchildren. The grandchildren had the same exact expression on their faces as their grandma. Five minutes went by with nobody moving. Then, Grandma told the grandchildren to exit the bathroom and she would follow them on the way out, so they did.

Grandma went to the startled employees and said, “Were those humans in costumes?”

And one employee dreadfully replied, “Unfortunately not.”

Sassy Nancy paid that employee and then immediately exited the building. Nancy drove very slowly on the way home. Grandma went to drop the children off at her daughter’s house, but she parked at the wrong house, and the children had to tell her which house was theirs.

Once unloaded from the van and in the house, the grandchildren went off to play while grandma talked to her daughter about what occurred. Her daughter did not believe her because she thought her mom’s dementia was just worsening. But Sassy Nancy persisted and even called the grandchildren in to prove it to their mom. Still, mom was a little leary, so grandma turned on the television and sure enough it was the headline news story. The news station had everyone at the scene; from reporters to policemen to plumbers checking out the pipes. Finally, her daughter believed the story that was being told to her. For the rest of the night, they sat and watched the news broadcast and gathered information about the incident. Nancy ended up falling asleep, and her daughter insisted that she just spend the night, so she did.

The very next day, Nancy woke up and decided that she wanted to do something about this perplexing problem. Last night, she had learned that there was a previous encounter with the turtles at the city’s capitol building about a week earlier. The turtles were said to have been demanding the keys to the country. The turtles also stated they had killed a man across the country for not giving them what they wanted. A note in blood saying “We will come again.” was left in the bathroom of that building.

After thinking over the information and weighing her options, Nancy decided that she was going to investigate more into what was going on. Before leaving, Nancy told her daughter what she was going to do, and her daughter told her, “You are staying here. You are insane for wanting to confront these...these...things.”

Sassy Nancy just ignored what her daughter was saying and headed toward the door. She jumped in her van and tried to start it, but it did not. After many tries to start her van, she reentered the house and looked for Jim, her daughter’s husband. Jim did not know what she was about to do, so he gladly went out to her van and fixed the problem.

In her van again, Nancy headed straight for home to take care of her precious dog; which she had no idea of how she forgot about him overnight. Directly after taking care of her dog at home, she headed to the local television station to ask for assistance in her quest. Once past the front desk, she went around asking for the manager. The manager had a small break, so she sat down and talked with her. Sassy Nancy asked about what she would be faced with if she were to pursue these beings. The manager was hesitant to give her answers, but she did anyway. The manager, Athena, started to tell Nancy everything she needed to know about the turtles. Slowly, Nancy started to make the connection between her name and how she knew so much about fighting and conquering the turtles. The two of them talk for an hour, and then Athena gave Nancy a stone tablet. Athena told her that it would tell her where each turtle was at all times. Nancy was wished good luck by Athena, and then she was off.

Nancy raced her oversized van down city streets, looking at the tablet to try to spot the turtles. After ten minutes of driving, Nancy spotted them. They were headed in the opposite direction of her, straight for her. They too were speeding down the street in an identical green version van to hers. The turtles must have known that Sassy Nancy meant harm because they did not swerve out of her path until the very last second. The two vehicles scraped, but no real damage was done. Nancy quickly did a u turn in traffic to catch up to the culprits. Sassy Nancy could not make up much ground on them, but she could still see their van. After a few minutes of driving that felt like hours and some close calls with almost crashing, Nancy figured out where the turtles were taking her to.

They were headed to Outback Steakhouse. Nancy knew exactly where they would go once they reached the restaurant. Finally, the turtles van skidded to a stop in the Outback Steakhouse parking lot. When Nancy arrived, the turtles had already filed out of their van and were kicking in the door. To save time, Nancy once again jumped a curb to park right next to the door.

Sassy Nancy rushed into the building but did not see a sign of life at first glance. Instinctively, she headed toward the restroom. She pushed through the door as fast a she could, but nothing was there. Then she prepared herself for what she would have to do next. She plunged herself down the toilet. She looked at her tablet and saw that the turtles were below her. Upon entering the bowl, she took out her pocket knife that she carries for defense. It was then time to take the dive of faith, and she did.

Nancy dove in headfirst with her arms out in front of her. Her hands hit the bottom of the bowl, and they almost broke, but did save her from hitting her head on the porcelain. Nancy had the wind knocked out of her when she looked up to she her surroundings. She was still in the bathroom. Nancy, in her dementiated state, did not try to enter the same toilet as the turtles. Sassy Nancy soon realized this and headed for the end stall.

Nancy went through the same starting process with the toilet. When she hit the porcelain, it began wide enough for a body to swim through. The next thing she knew, she was plunging in a swirl of water.

She finally reached the end and could take a deep breath again. She landed in a sewer like place. Once she regained all her senses, she realized that that was the easy part of this battle. She looked down at her tablet and realized that she was a least a mile away from the turtles. This meant she was either going to have walk, run, or swim that mile. She elected to swim.

After Nancy thought she had swum a mile, she exited the water. She looked at her device and realized she had only swum a quarter mile. At that point, Nancy decided to run the rest of the way. This allowed her to look at the tablet at any given time, therefore, allowing her to make changes to her route.

Once Nancy had come within two-hundred meters of the turtles, she started to play with her device. This was to make sure she knew everything that the device could do. Also, Nancy needed to make sure her dementia was not kicking in and make sure she knew where she was. Nancy found a new feature on the device after pressing random spots on the screen. This feature shot a red steaming laser from the top.

This action drew the attention of the turtles. The turtles new this was not right, so they came racing around the corner. Nancy saw them coming and became scared. She started running away from them. She was running in a square, trying to arrive back where she started being chased at. She arrived and turned the corner.

To Nancy’s surprise, there was a turtle sitting in a chair facing a screen with security cameras on it. This was what appeared to be a huge layer with massive screens and extremely advanced technology. But the more pressing matter for Nancy was that she needed to hide and fast. She found a metal compart, cracked open underneath a huge computer. She made a run for it and opened and closed it as quietly as she could. She peaked out the crack and could see the turtle turn its head towards her. But just as he was taking a closer look, the other turtles came storming in.

One of the turtles shouted out of breath, “Where did she go?”

The one at the computer desk replied, “I don’t know. For some reason I can not find her on the security cameras, but I can see you guys just fine.”

“Well lets all split up to find her,” said another turtle.

Each turtle went down a separate corridor to look for her. Nancy found this as a perfect time to escape. She threw the compartment open, making a loud racket and then proceeded to stand up and stretch out a little before she started running. She took out her tablet and realized that one turtle was coming toward her. She realized he must have heard her throw the metal. She ran to the corner and only held out her hand with the pocket knife in it at neck level. She knew she would have to get lucky because the knife would not pierce through the shell. She would have to be super accurate because she did not want to be bitten by the turtle. The turtles had rabies. Nancy was indeed accurate. The turtle ran right into the knife.

The turtle was dead instantly, but not before he was able to let out a loud gasp for air. Sassy Nancy knew this would draw the turtles back to the lair, so she started running down one of the corridors. She looked at the tablet to make sure a turtle was not coming toward her. After running for a little while, grandma was tired, but she saw a turtle walking away from her. She knew she had to act and fast. She took out her tablet and pointed the top toward the turtle. Then she hit the button. Nothing happened, so Nancy started just tapping the screen wherever, and suddenly a super hot red beam came blasting out. The turtle did not know what hit it because it pulverised it from the back instantly.

Nancy then started to go Rambo on the rest of the turtles. She would run down the corridors of the sewer, sneaking up on the turtles and then kill them in some way, shape or form. Sassy Nancy did not become tired because she had adrenaline and the energy from the tablet coursing through her veins. Some turtles she went so far as to cut them open with the knife to attract the others turtles by the sound the dying turtles made. Then the turtles that came to her would inevitable reach the same fate.

Sassy Nancy looked at her tablet and saw that there was only one turtle that was still moving around. She tracked this turtle back to through the corridors. The turtle was a step ahead of Nancy, though. It was headed for the exit of the sewers because it knew it did not stand a chance down in the sewers. Nancy realized the turtle was up to something fishy, so she tried to catch up to it as fast as she could. She swam and she ran, but the turtle was a much faster swimmer.

The turtle popped up through a manhole in a busy street. Nancy, on the other hand, could not find her way out. The reason she did find that manhole was because of the tablet. She, too, popped up when there was a lot of traffic passing by. Therefore, she had to try to jump up without being hit by a car. Nancy jumped up during a red light. She jumped in a parked car along the street and chased the turtle down. A civilian hit the turtle because it was running on foot trying to avoid being hit by Nancy’s car.

Nancy jumped out of the car and lay down on the injured turtle, keeping it down until the police arrived. During this, she was trying to not be by this turtle. The police ran over and took the turtle into custody. Nancy lay down onto the road, thinking about what she had just done. Once she had regained her composure, she stood up and looked around her. She recognized that she was in front of Outback Steakhouse. Surrounding her was her family, reporters, and the police.

The police went down into the sewer and carved off the shell of a dead turtle and presented it to Nancy. The rest of the body was going to be sent to a museum to be studied. Nancy, her family, and the shell were all given a ride back home by the police. Police and reporters stayed at the scene for months, trying to understand the entire situation to the fullest and to explore the sewers. Nancy kept spending more and more time with her family to try to fight off her dementia.

And from that day forward, Sassy Nancy was perceived as a world hero.

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