Zoinks! by Dale Culp

A WebFiction Published Thrice Weekly

The enthralling, true tale of a trans girl just trying to get by and make the most of her life.

Also, she hunts ghosts and occasionally solves mysteries.

New to Zoinks!? Start at the beginning.

Chapter 2 - Act 4 - "Easy Money"


"Aww, c'mon, Philip. She's perfect for the job!"

"Ain't NO way, Howard."

I'm sitting at my desk, trying not scream as Philip and Howard decide whether to hire me or not. As much as I love this conversation, I decide it's time for a soft close. "Ok, hobo humpers. You want to get the hell out of my cubicle before I mace the both of you?"

"You don't have the balls to even try, Lucy!"

"Philip, we both know I do. And we both know I will."

Philip gets a look of fear on his face, a deer caught in the headlights, and backs down.

"Howard, how could you even think this was a good idea?"

"Philip, just this one time! Let's just see how it goes," Howard begs, and it's pretty ugly, but Philip won't budge.

"C'mon, Philip!" Howard begs some more. "Make HER hold the camera! I want to be in the video, this time!"

Philip stands firm. "No."

"You promised!"


"PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!" Howard begs, but Philip doesn't look too moved.

"PLEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSEEEEE!!" Howard screams, and I've just about had enough.

"Seriously, Philip? You know, I didn't really want to join your little dork crusade, but if it ends this pathetic display, let's just do it and get it over with so I can get paid!"

Suddenly, I realize the whole office is looking at us.

"Uh, hey, all... It's totally not what it sounds like!" I say, as I break out in a cold sweat.

The office returns to its usual hustle and bustle, but I can almost just make out Valeria muttering under her breath, from across the room, "Yeah, right. I'll bet it ain't what it sounds like."

"Guys, can we talk about this after work?" I ask. "I'd like to end this conversation before Boss Ross shows up, gets the wrong idea and starts lecturing us on quid pro quo sexual harassment and the company's policy on prostitution in the workplace."

"There's nothing more to talk about," Philip insists. He then pulls out his phone and begins typing out a text message. "You want in? Fine. Just be at this address Saturday night, around 9 pm."

My phone lights up with a text from Philip; it's an address. I'm stunned. "Oh... ok," I say.

"This is your one chance, probie. DON'T MESS UP!"

Philip walks away in a huff as Howard performs a series of fist pumps, saying, "YESSS!!" over and over again.

"Easy money," I say, under my breath. From across the noisy office space, I can hear Valeria "HMPH!"


  • Howard is, in fact, based on Gir from Invader Zim. He's also based on a few people I know in real life. So, just read this act imagining Gir's voice and it's a lot funnier.