Zoinks! by Dale Culp

A WebFiction Published Thrice Weekly

The enthralling, true tale of a trans girl just trying to get by and make the most of her life.

Also, she hunts ghosts and occasionally solves mysteries.

New to Zoinks!? Start at the beginning.

Chapter 2 - Act 6 - "Never Let Facts Get in the Way of a Good Story - Morgan Freeman"

We're following Philip around to the back of the house while he waves some kind of gizmo around. He tells me to get in tight for a shot of the needle peaking on the gauge built into the handle. I'd like to say it's compelling, but I'm bored to tears. Finally, Howard comes over to show him something else and he tells me to "cut" and take 5. I lean against a tree as Harlan lights up another cigarette.

"Hey, you smoke, miss?" Harlan asks, as he holds a packet of cigarettes towards me.

"Uh, no thanks." I tell him.

"Said yer name was Lucy, correct?"

"That's correct. And yours is Harlan, right?"


"So... You're a noted historian?"

"And author!"

"Wow! You wrote a book? How the hell did you end up with these two rejects?"

"Well, we belonged to da same fraternity over at Kidder University."

"You mean those two idiots actually went to college?"

"Yup! We are proud alumni! Although, not da same class. I graduated quite a few years ahead-a dem. But I like ta go back and see where I can lend a hand, heyna?"

"Inconceivable!" I say, shaking my head. "So, hit me with some history!"

"Hokay... Well, did you know dat Kidder University was named after da famous screen actress Margot Kidder? Dey even dedicated an entire street in Wooks-Barry to 'er! And over in Carbon County, dere's a township wit' her name, as well."

"Uhhhh..." is about all I can get out, before Harlan continues.

"Her role as Lois Lane was so well-respected dat dey couldn't help but honor her -- even dough dere's no record of her ever actually having set foot in da city."

"Err, um... I'm pretty sure all of those places were named long before the 'Superman' movies came out, and were more than likely named after the Kidder family."

"Oh? I don't tink so... Say! You should really read my book, 'Who's Afraid of NEPA?' It's full of historical facts and blood-curdling ghost stories from dee entire region; awl da way up and down da Wyoming Valley. It's even got an entire chapter about scrapple!"

"Huh... I'm starting to see why you, Howie and Philip get along, so well."

"Sometimes, I really miss my university days. Goin' ta class, da pressure of finals, all-night cram-fests, moldy dormitories, hazing rituals, sacrificial rites, blood oaths, dee annual Skulls Ceremony, mounting student debt..."

"Haha, yeah, student debt..." I laugh nervously. "You know, actually, I'm pretty sure there's no Kidder University in Wilkes-Barre."

"Just wait until we get inside dis mansion. I been researching it heavily, awl week. Couple two tree tings went on in dere, heyna? Weird and darkly evil tings took place witin dis abode."

"Uhh... Riiiiiight... heh... I think, uh... I'm gonna go see what Phil and Howie are up to."

"Hey, yeah! Good idea. Looks like dey're ready ta start filmin' again!"


  • There is definitely a Kidder Street in Wilkes-Barre and a Kidder Township. But there is no Kidder University. *wink* The bottom line is, when you don't know something, make it up.
  • Yes, quite a few people around here actually talk like that.
  • There's a couple two tree pronunciations for Wooks-Berry, Wooks-Bar, Wooks-Bear, Wilks-Bear, Wilks-Berry, Wilkes-Bar etc. No one can quite agree on how to pronounce it, heyna?
  • I've lived here for 24 years and still don't really know what "heyna" actually means.
  • I don't know if Margot Kidder ever visited the area, but I like to think it made for a pretty good joke.
  • Scrapple is gross. I don't dig on it.
  • I'm not sure what a Skulls Ceremony implies, but it sounded cool.