Zoinks! by Dale Culp

A WebFiction Published Thrice Weekly

The enthralling, true tale of a trans girl just trying to get by and make the most of her life.

Also, she hunts ghosts and occasionally solves mysteries.

New to Zoinks!? Start at the beginning.

Chapter 3 - Act 1 - "Must Go Faster"

"What lies beyond the grave?" Philip ponders rhetorically, as he stands on the porch of a large house that once belonged to an extremely wealthy family of coal barons in the 1800s.

Philip then takes a few steps, turns to face the camera and continues, "We come here, tonight, not to seek thrills or participate in some wild dare for monetary gain, but to answer this simple question."

Looking off into the distance, almost wistfully, Philip cranes his neck and narrows his eyes. "And if we must die to find the answer, then at least we died in the pursuit of truth. And we may find that the only way to truly know if there is a life after death..." he pauses, then stares deeply into the camera, "is to go there."

"Some sooner than others, right chief?" I shout out from behind the camera.

"God damn it, probie! You ruined it! Cut! Cut the camera off."

"Come on, Phil. This is boring, and we're freezing. What's with the hold up?"

Philip gets a menacing look on his face. "Probie, you are, like, this close to going home without pay."

"Ah, now eventually you do plan to have ghosts on your, on your ghost tour, right? Hello? Yes?"

"What do you think we're doing, here?"

"I don't know... Maybe planning to put on aluminum siding? What's with all these exterior shots? Can we just go in the 'haunted house,' already? It's 10:15. We've been putzing around for over an hour. Remember your speech about showing up early so we could start promptly at 9 o'clock?"

"We're establishing a mood; setting a tone."

"Is the mood 'pissed off'? Because that's my mood. Maybe you can tell by the tone of my voice?"

"Probie, please. Sarcasm has a time and a place. There is a set procedure we must follow."

Howard cuts in. "Maybe we should explain the procedure to Lucy?"

"Oh, God, yes. Please. Explain the procedure. Let's continue to stand out here and flap our gums some more while the snow buries us." Lucy hits the record button and turns the camera on herself, "Who knows what lies beyond Philip's colon? Oh, I do! It's my foot, after I kick it up his ass!"

"That's IT!" Philip shouts, completely losing his cool. "Give the camera to Howard! You are DONE, newbie!"