Zoinks! by Dale Culp

A WebFiction Published Thrice Weekly

The enthralling, true tale of a trans girl just trying to get by and make the most of her life.

Also, she hunts ghosts and occasionally solves mysteries.

New to Zoinks!? Start at the beginning.

Chapter 3 - Act 3 - "Like, Really Real"

"All right. Now that we're inside, and everything seems safe, I think we should split up to cover more ground," Philip says as we move throughout the main hall and unpack more equipment to set up our base of operations.

"What, are you brain damaged? That's, like, the stupidest thing I've ever heard," I say, in response to the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

"It's just standard procedure," Philip insists.

"Yeah, standard procedure!" I say in a mocking tone. "Let's all go spend a night in a big, spooky house where we're gonna get cut-up and left for dead by a bunch of meth-head squatters. Oh, and let's make sure we're all in separate rooms so no one can help the other. I mean, look at the size of this place! 5 stories, endless hallways, rooms so big you could fit my entire apartment inside..."

"Look, if you're gonna keep being a big baby about it, take Howard with you. Stay on the first floor, where you can quickly exit the premises if you have to. Harlan and I will take the second and third floors."

"Well, all right, then. Sounds good to me."

"Wait, that's not going to work at all!" Howard says. "If she's with me, and you're upstairs, who's going to shoot the video? How are we going to document this?"

"Uh, well, Lucy will just hang on to the camera and film as she goes. If there's anything of interest, I'll just give her a holler on the 2-way radio," Philip says with shrug of his shoulders.

At this point, I don't really care anymore, I just want to get paid. "Great, whatever. Why should I worry? This is all bullshit, anyway. There's no such thing as ghosts."

Harlan, Howard and Philip stop dead, drop what they're doing and all look at me, staring uncomfortably.

I swallow hard. "Um, it's all just a bunch of hocus pocus?"

Finally, Philip breaks the silence. "Look, uh... since this is your first time... I uh..."

Another awkward moment of silence passes before I get annoyed. "Ok, I'm sure you're trying to tell me something. Spit it out, boy!"

"Listen, Lucy. I don't think you really know what you're getting yourself into, here. I don't think you understand the full magnitude of what we're about to experience, tonight."

"Oh, here it comes. This is the part where I'm supposed to take my clothes off and we film the big gang-bang scene, right? 'Run the train on the tranny,' is that it? You're not gonna try to roofie me, are you? I mean, at least if you did I wouldn't have to remember it when I come to, tomorrow morning."

"What? NO! Damn it, Lucy, be serious! This is important!" Philip pauses a moment, and I can see in his eyes that he is deadly serious. "Ghosts are real."

Top 5 Alternative Titles for This Act:

  • Oh, like, I'm SOOOOoooo sure.
  • Gag me with a spoon!
  • AS IF!
  • Zoinks!