Zoinks! by Dale Culp

A WebFiction Published Thrice Weekly

The enthralling, true tale of a trans girl just trying to get by and make the most of her life.

Also, she hunts ghosts and occasionally solves mysteries.

New to Zoinks!? Start at the beginning.

Chapter 4 - Act 5 - "It's Like I Told Ya's"

Harlan and Howard are knocked to the ground as the ghost skull blasts its way into the room.

"THE BODY! WHERE IS MY BODY?" the skull screams as it flies towards me and Philip.

"I got what you're lookin' for right here, pal," Philip says, whipping the quantum wave rifle into position and placing his finger on the trigger.

"NO! DON'T!" Harlan shouts. "We don't got time for dat! Just find da body!"

"What?!" I scream at Harlan. "Are you crazy? We've searched this stupid attic. There's nothing here!"

"I'm not waiting any longer," Philip says. "I'm wasting this bastard."

Philip pulls the trigger, releasing another bolt that flashes across the room, but the skull easily dodges around it.

"Damn! Lucy! Distract it while I prime the rifle for another shot!"

"Uh, what?" I ask. "How do I distract a ghost?"

The skull continues racing towards Philip when I jump in front of him, waving my arms. "Right here! Come at me, bro!"

I immediately regret saying that, but I hardly have a second to think of a better catch phrase as Philip dives out from behind me and dashes across the room. The ghost skull stops its advance, hesitates for a moment, and then circles around to chase Philip.

"Ahhh! Shit! Here we go again!" Howard screams, as Philip rushes past him with the skull close behind.

Harlan raises his hands and begins chanting. As the ghost skull races towards him, it comes to a dead stop and seems to be transfixed on Harlan's gaze. "Quick! Lucy! Find dat body while I got dis ting in a binding spell!"

A binding spell? I wonder, but I don't dwell on it. "Right!" I say, and I turn back to the wall where Philip said the door must be.

"Ok... If I were a secret passage, where would I be?" I begin patting the wall, looking for something, anything out of place. And then I see it... a small piece of rope that seems to disappear into the wall below a horizontal support beam.

"What the hell?" I ask, and then grab the rope. "Could this be it?" I begin tugging at it, and as I pull on it a whole section of the wall begins to rise.

"Hey! Holy shit! I found it! I found the door!" I say, turning back to see everyone but Howard running around with the skull chasing them. "Howard! Get over here with that key!"

"Key? OK!" Howard stumbles to his feet, and then comes rushing over.

"Quick, this is the door we've been trying to find! Use the key to unlock it."

Howard fumbles with the lock, trying to get the key in the hole, but his hand is shaking so badly that he keeps jamming it and missing the hole entirely.

"Damn, Howie," I remark in frustration. "I hope you're not this bad on dates..."


"Nevermind!" I shout, as I grab his fist and pop the key into the hole. "Now, TURN IT!"

"Ye... yes, ma'am!" Howard complies, nervously.

"Oh, hell no... You did NOT just call me ma'am...!" I snap, as Howard turns the key and the door blows open.

Sparks of energy shoot out into the room. The skull screams out as bolts of lightning grip it, pulling it through the doorway. All Hell appears to be breaking loose from within the hidden room.


Through the doorway, we see the skull, shrinking down to normal size and fitting into place atop a headless skeleton, bound to a wall. Suddenly, the lifeless body begins violently shaking and ripping away from the wall, breaking its bindings and freeing itself.

The skull and the skeleton are now whole, and it takes a step forward before speaking in some unrecognizable tongue. Moments later, a portal of white light opens and the skeleton steps inside, disappearing as the portal fades away into nothingness. The fireworks are over and the room is as cold and quiet as it ever was.

Suddenly, Harlan breaks the silence. "See? It's like I told ya's. A couple two tree really freaky tings went on 'ere, heyna?"


  • I wonder what the skeleton said... Probably something like, "Klaatu, Barada.... *cough*"