Zoinks! by Dale Culp

A WebFiction Published Thrice Weekly

The enthralling, true tale of a trans girl just trying to get by and make the most of her life.

Also, she hunts ghosts and occasionally solves mysteries.

New to Zoinks!? Start at the beginning.

Chapter 4 - Act 6 - "Felina"

"Well, that happened," I remark, as I stand up and attempt to assess the damage all around us.

"Probie, get that camera in here!" Philip says as he walks into the hidden room.

"YES, MASTER," I say in a mocking tone.

Philip waves the flashlight around for a moment, and then calls out, "Harlan! Come see this! I need you to translate."

"This is it," Philip says, addressing the camera. "The reason we came."

Philip walks around in the room, indicating where he wants me to point the camera.

"Sequestered away for at least a hundred years, this tiny tomb hid a dark, grizzly secret. A body, sacrificed by a coven of warlocks for some unknown reason, hid their blasphemous crime from the world. What were they up to? Why did they do it? What secrets of the universe did they hope to unravel?"

Again, Philip hams it up for the camera, with no small amount of camp.

"Scrawled on every inch of the walls in this chamber of horrors, hex symbols and other diabolical scribblings. And look! This tome was found just a few floors below where we stand! What dark mystery does it hold?"

Philip walks over to where Harlan is analyzing some writing. "Our expert and noted historian, Harlan Blake. What can you tell us about the writing in this book? As it speaks from beyond the ages, what does it say?"

"Hell if I know..." Harlan says, shrugging his shoulders and turning back to the writing on the wall.

Philip sighs. "Cut! Cut the camera. This is ridiculous."

We spend another hour or so pouring over the writing on the walls, documenting them in video and photographs to bring back for later analysis. We decide to call it a night and skip sweeping the lower floors for any final evidence we missed on the way up. Whatever went on here, it's clear that the hidden room in the attic was the center of activity.

Outside, the snow has stopped, but there's a good inch and a half piled up. Philip films a follow-up video and declares the case closed.

"So, uh... I guess that's it?" I ask Philip.

"You did good, tonight," he says.

"Absolutely!" Harlan agrees. "I'm glad ta have you on da team. You showed some real smarts up dere!"

"Ok, then," I say. "Harlan, It was nice working with you."

"Likewise, miss."

"Howard, Philip... See you guys at work on Monday!"

Howard just smiles and waves as he, Philip and Harlan climb into their van and begin driving away.

Inside my idling car, I reach for the electro-static bag I was told to put my phone in before I put it in my purse.

"This thing better still work..." I say, as I pull it free from the bag and see, first-hand, the most horrific thing I have witnessed all night: the screen is smashed to pieces.

"What the SHIT?!" I exclaim. Suddenly, I feel the bruise on my hip and remember the crunching sound when I tripped and landed on my purse as I tried to run away from the ghost when it first attacked. I may not have broken my hip, but I definitely broke my phone...

"Sons-a-bitches! BUMPUSES!" I scream out, in vain.

A few hours later, I'm drying off after soaking away the day's adventures in a tub of warm water. My snoring dog lies curled up on the floor. I'm not quite sure how I feel about everything; I've been going through so much. But one thing I'm sure of is that I will be sleeping comfortably tonight, knowing that I have enough to cover the cost of heating thanks to my new side-gig.

Me? A professional ghost hunter!? Well, not quite...

...I prefer the title, "paranormal investigator."

To Be Continued!


  • Thus, we reach the end. But wait! There's more to come! Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode of Zoinks!
  • Special thanks to the Crimson Lion Hookah Lounge for providing a warm, quiet place where I could sit and write in peace.